Gwumpa Stories

Grandboy (carefully arranges pizza slices and brownies on a plate)

Me: …

Grandboy (presents the plate to me, and speaks in his best Butler voice): Hullo, suh… Care for some pizza and a whiff of brandy, my good suh?

Me: Indubitably

Me: What does a milkman bring?

Grandboy: Milk

Me: What does a mailman bring?

Grandboy: Mail

Me: What does a fireman bring?

Grandboy: Um

Grandboy: Fire supplies!

Me: What kind of supplies?

Grandboy: Um. Hmm. Ah! Water!

Me: So we should call him a ‘waterman’.

Grandboy: Yes! We’ll call the waterman in case of fire, because the fireman will bring fire and burn down the house!

—-

I’ll save the discussion about ‘garbageman’ for another day

Grandboy: WAAAAAGHWAAAAAGHWAAAAAYWUUGUGHUA

Me: !

Grandboy: I BET YOU NEVER THOUGHT I COULD MAKE THAT NOISE DID YOU GWUMPA!?!!!?

Me (dons headphones without plugging them into anything): Ah somehow I suspected you were capable of it. Oi and stop practicing it. No, really.

Grandboy: Ha hey gwumpa wasn’t it funny when I threw up out of my nose just now? (He’s been battling a cold for a while now)

Me: Um yep, that was funny (smile)

Grandboy: Sometimes you just have to laugh at yourself, huh Gwumpa?

Me: Yep sometimes that’s all you can do.

Grandboy: Well that’s done, now I’m going to mop floors for Extra Credit. I’ll get credit, right?

—-

I’ll take all the good attitude he can toss my way!

Grandboy: Gwumpa look I’m on the roof.

Me: Yes, I see. We both are.

Grandboy (walking towards the edge): I won’t DIE if I fall off, will I, Gwumpa?

Me: You might.

Grandboy: What?!? You LET me on the ROOF if I might DIE!!!

Me: Yep.

Grandboy: Now I’m scared.

Me: Don’t be scared. Be careful. Learn the difference and you’ll be ok.

(Later, on the way down the ladder)

Grandboy: Gwumpa sing an encouraging song so I can be careful coming down.

Me (in a deep baritone): DON’T fall DOWN. If you FALL you will DIE. DON’T slip your FOOT… you will TUMBLE DOWN and FALL

Grandboy: GWUMPA. That’s NOT ENCOURAGING.

Me: Yah it is. It’s encouraging you not to slip and fall off the ladder. See? You’re on the ground already.

Grandboy: AWESOME I’M GOING IN THE HOUSE TO CALL MOM AND TELL HER I WAS ON THE ROOF

Me: Good thing I got clearance ahead of time…

Grandboy (playing a video game): Look, my guy is in a lighthouse.

Me: That’s pretty cool, having a house you can pick up.

Grandboy: Huh?

Me: Because your house is very light. It’s a LIGHT house.

Grandboy: O no grandpa, it’s a house that MAKES light. It’s too heavy to carry. Except for the Hulk, he can pick it up. He can pick up ANYthing.

Me: I bet he can’t pick up GRAVITY

Grandboy: O YES HE CAN. He can pick up THE UNIVERSE

Me: Well, if he’s picking up the universe, what’s he standing on? He has to stand on SOMETHING to pick up everything else.

Grandboy: He just CAN, alright, gwumpa?

Me: Ok fair nuff.

Me (waiting a few mins): So how heavy is light? Can the Hulk pick that up?

Grandboy: Yes he- o wait, no cuz it doesn’t WEIGH anything. You can’t carry it around.

Me (waiting a few mins more): So if light doesn’t weigh anything, how fast can it go? It has to travel because if you’re in a dark room and switch on the light, it moves from the light bulb to your eyes.

Grandboy: Hm maybe BILLIONS and BILLIONS. It’s the fastest thing in the WORLD. That’s why the Flash has LIGHTNING on his costume.

—

Ok that’s general relativity framed up, on to quantum mechanics… just have to make sure he’s learning real science and not comic book physics 😛

Grandboy (reading a name): Maaarrco. Is that a boy or girl name?
Me: That’s a boy’s name. Usually names that end in ‘o’ are boys’ names. Names that end with ‘a’ are usually for girls. Like ‘Maria’ and ‘Sophia’ and
Grandboy: …and ‘Noah’

Me: O look. The leaves are falling because it’s FALL.
Grandboy: Autumn gwumpa. AUTUMN
Me: What are them Yankees learnin’ yew in thet thar school o’yers, youngun?

Grandboy (spots something outside the back truck window): Hey gwumpa there’s a snail holding onto your window.
Me (looks back): Ayep, sure is.
Grandboy: He sure likes it back there.
Me (driving): Ayep.
Grandboy: Because you’re a safe driver. Huh, gwumpa? He feels SAFE with you driving us around.
Me: …
Grandboy: Sooo… what if your WHOLE BACK WINDOW was covered with SNAILS gwumpa?
Me (thinking, “ewwwww”): The whole back window?
Grandboy: Yah! That means his whole family wanted to ride and he said it’s ok because you’re a SAFE DRIVER.
—-
Just goes to show you that one man’s slimy vehicle is another creature’s safe haven :p

Grandboy: You’d never lie, would you, gwumpa?
Me: What if I told you I ALWAYS lied? Would you believe me then?
Grandboy: Of course I would!
Me: But then you’d have to believe I’m lying.
Grandboy: …yea… (wheels start moving)
Me: But if I always lied, you couldn’t believe what I said, which was actually the truth.
Grandboy: Just DON’T LIE GWUMPA, DON’T DO IT. IT HURTS MY BRAIN

Grandboy: Too quiet in here. I can’t eat.
Me: Quiet is good. You can hear your enemies come when it’s quiet.
Grandboy: (through muffled bites of pancake): Who’s our enemy, gwumpa?
Me: Zombies. And people who would hurt us. (Opens the blinds) But looks like no zombies today.
Grandboy: Zombies aren’t real, are they gwumpa?
Me: Nah. Just pretend.
Grandboy (looks outside): I’ll be back. It’s nice outside.
Me: Ok. Listen for things. You might even hear birds out there.
Grandboy: Birds aren’t our enemy, are they gwumpa?
Me: Nah.
Grandboy: Ok gwumpa.
Me: Unless they are zombies.
Grandboy: GWUMPA

Grandboy: I’m the king of this land Me: Ah I see. How do you treat your people?
Grandboy: I am STRONG. If they don’t do what I say I lock them UP. Maybe forever. And punish them.
Me: That sounds like a bad king. I’ll have to stop you if you start doing that.
Grandboy: How you going to stop me, gwumpa? I have a million armies, no, a BILLION armies and you have just…
Me (looks at him and raises an eyebrow)
Grandboy: Or I can just FIRE them. (points to an invisible peasant) You’re FIRED!
—-
The best battle is won before a shot takes place.

Grandboy (making a sustained screeching sound)
Me: OI HEY OI STOP THAT
Grandboy: I can’t help it Gwumpa
Me: How ’bout, instead of screaming, you sing something. I’d like that better. So would everyone else.
Grandboy: Ok Gwumpa
(later)
Grandboy (singing, screechily) HELLO! IS IT ME YOU’RE LOOKING FOR…?
—-
Screamo Lionel Richie. Awesome.

Grandboy (takes off shirt)
Me: Boy, put that shirt on.
Grandboy (hangs shirt on doorknob)
Me: What are you doing?
Grandboy: Gwumpa you said to put the shirt ON. You didn’t say WHAT to PUT IT ON.
—-
Can’t argue against that logic. But the shirt went back on his body eventually. Right side out and not backwards. Eventually.

Grandboy: O man why my pizza keep falling off my plate?
Me: Because you keep dropping it.
Grandboy: That means I need a bigger plate.
Me: Nice try, boy. Just be more careful 🙂
Grandboy (making a face, sticks out his tongue): Uh there’s pizza in my hair.
Me: How’d you get pizza in your hair?
Grandboy: NO I MEAN HAIR IN MY PIZZA
Me: So you’re having a hard time aren’t you?
Grandboy: I shouldn’t eat things off the floor.
—-
And so lessons are learned

Grandboy (at a koi fish pond slowly waving his arms): Come on, everybody! Gather round, gather round…
Mamasan (emulating him): Hey they aren’t coming to me.
Grandboy (stopping and backing away): That’s because they know I’m the Pokemon trainer. Try now.
Mamasan: Still no. They’re even hiding now.
Grandboy: You have to be PAAAATIENT mama. Put your arms out like you’re hugging them and gathering them up for a hug. Like this. (Moves foward, moves arms in scooping motion) GATHER ROUND PEOPLE Fish (swarm to the grandboy)
—
He may be useful as the hunter during our zompocalypse efforts