Gwumpa Stories

Grandboy (selecting a game’s display language): What’s “English (UK)” and “English (US)” and why are they different?

Me: The UK version is the original English and the US version came afterwards.

Grandboy: So now everyone speaks US version, right?

Me: No, loads of people still speak the original English. That’s why you make me say “lever” instead of “lever” so I sound like your YouTube gamers.

Grandboy (adopting a posh attitude): “Oh, yessss, I’d looove a kish, lorvely”

Me: Yes, exactly, that’s how everyone sounds in England… (makes squinty eyes at the boy)

Grandboy (feeling the back of my arm, near the elbow): What happened, grandpa? Your arm used to be so hard. Now it’s soft and kind of squishy.

Me: Ah that’s because of all the pizza.

Grandboy: Oh.

Me: So I guess that means no more pizza when you come visit, right?

Grandboy: Ummm maybe a little squishy is ok

Grandboy: Momma, even if I’m on Santa’s “Good List” I’d still like to get coal as a gift.

Mamasan: Why on Earth would you still want coal?

Grandboy: Well, coal is a really useful thing. You can make fire with it, turn it into a torch, use it to smelt stuff. It’s good to have.

—-
Ah, the sweet sound of a prepper growing up

Grandboy: GRANDPA

Me: Hey why the shouting?

Grandboy: Get that fly, grandpa.

(The “mosquito” from earlier was actually a fly)

Me: He’s not hurting you, leave him be.

Grandboy: Nooooo he’s bothering me.

Me: Is he bugging you?

Grandboy (looks sideways at me)

Me: He’s BUGGING you. 

Grandboy (no change in expression)

Me: He’s BUGGING you because he’s a FLY.

Grandboy (no change in expression)

Me: And you should leave him BEE????

Grandboy: ALL RIGHT GRANDPA JUST GET HIM ALREADY OK?!?!?

Grandboy: GRANDPA

Me: Yes sir. Why are you hollerin’?

Grandboy: There’s a MOSQUITO.

Me: Well, get it.

Grandboy: You don’t understand, it’s too FAAAAST

Me: Ah. You should have taken ninja training classes then.

Grandboy: I DIIID. I am a super ninja.

Me: Well then why aren’t you getting that mosquito?

Grandboy: Well if I used my super ninja tricks I’d (spins in a wide armed circle) destroy this tiny house and I’m thinking of you so (folds hands together) please can you get the mosquito please please please (blinky eyes)

—–

Ok so the kid doesn’t reveal his ninja skills but he unleashes the cute power pretty quickly, hehe

Grandboy just used the word “jiffy” to describe how quickly he plans to be somewhere. Next I’m waiting for him to tell me something is as cute as a button 😊

(music. music on truck speakers)

Grandboy: Grandpa what’s that song called?

Me: It’s called, “Fat Bottomed Girls” by the group, “Queen”.

Grandboy (angry): What?!? Why are they making fun of girls? I don’t like it.

Me: The 80s was full of stranger things.

(music. music on truck speakers)

Grandboy: Grandpa who’s that singing that song?

Me: It’s a group called “The Cars”.

Grandboy: Are the called “The Cars” because the sing in cars?

Me: No, that’s just a name they liked, so they are called “The Cars”.

Grandboy: That’s too bad. I like cars. Their song, it sounds like it’s too violent for me.

(The song was, “Let the Good Times Roll”)

(music. music on truck speakers)

Grandboy: What’s that song, grandpa?

Me: O that’s “Bicycle” by Queen.

Grandboy: THE QUEEN sings songs?

Me (laughing): No, that’s the name of the group. It’s not the Queen singing.

Grandboy: Good. She’s too fancy for that kinda music.

(music. music on truck speakers)

Grandboy: Grandpa who’s that singing?

Me: It’s a group called, “Journey”.

Grandboy: It sounds like evil clowns.

Me (laughing): Evil clowns?

Grandboy: Six thousand of them.

—

One of the most harshest of critiques I’ve heard to date

Grandboy: There’s something you need to know about me: NEVER question me.

Me: Hm… and why not?

Grandboy: Grannnnnddddppppaaaaa. You are QUESTIONING ME.

Me: Am I?

Grandboy: And do you know what happens to people who question me? We fight to the death.

Me: How ’bout a hug instead?

Grandboy: SURE (hug)

Me: Why do you like hugs?

Grandboy: NOT AGAIN

(Walking the neighborhood)

Me: O hey there are other houses here with flagpoles. I guess I can get one for my house too and no one will mind.

Grandboy (adamant): GRANDPA. Even if no one else has a flagpole that shouldn’t stop you from getting one if it’s nice and you like it. Are you going to do what everyone else does, or what you need to do?!?

Me: Haha, you’re right. You’ve been talking to your momma again, huh, boy?

Grandboy: AUUUUGH DON’T DO WHAT I DID

Me: What did you do?

Grandboy (wiping his face): I blew into this can of powdered candy. The powder comes out and all over EVERYTHING

Me: Heh I’ve done that before.

Grandboy: Really? You’ve done something dumb before?

Me: O yes I have. Don’t forget to wipe up that mess, boy.

Boy on video: I won’t shut up, YOU shut up!

Grandboy (looks sideways to mamasan): Hey mom he said…

Mamasan: (THE LOOK)

—-

Some things are best left unsaid

Grandboy (playing a video game where he can ride a dinosaur): Grandpa, dinosaurs were a long time ago, right?

Me: Yep. Long time ago.

Grandboy: I feel like, if I would have been born in the 80s I might have seen dinosaurs then, right, grandpa?

Me: Ayep may have been. You could never tell in the 80s.

Grandboy (scrolling through images of the USS Titanic sinking): Wow Gwumpa those are sad pictures. Whoever took them must have been brave.

Me: O no, these aren’t pictures. They are paintings. 

Grandboy: What? (scrolling) Where are the photos from people who were there?

Me: They didn’t have mobile phones then. The paintings are made from descriptions of what happened.

Grandboy (processing this new information): No cell phones. That’s a hard life, Gwumpa.

—

Yep, grandboy, it was. And your grandchildren will wonder how life was possible before spinal implant networking, back when people drove their own vehicles and even owned them as well.