For weeks I thought the little jingling noise in the back of my head when I walked from my truck to my office was due to a loose wire in my head.

No, it turns out I had stuffed my grandson’s toy in my backpack and had forgotten it was there.

Now I might still have a loose wire in my head but that isn’t the cause for jingle jingle jingle jingle…

This weekend I learned that my grandson likes classical music.

Baroque, to be precise.

Vivaldi, to be even more precise.

Rock on baby boy

I hugged my grandson just now and got boogers all over my shirt collar. That’s ok, because the important thing was that i hugged my grandson.

Thanking God for the little things that are huge in reality

Today, we play the “there’s a bucket on my head” song and dance routine.

The puppy was amused

My grandson and i are playing a game where he touches things and i keep him from tearing them apart.

So far it’s keeping both of us busy and out of trouble.

Dog and Bucketfly

It’s a 70s thing

Dr’s office. Bored. Box. What else would we expect to do?

The boy seems to have inherited some organisational skills. Not a bad thing really

Howdy, mate. And g’day

Grandpa lets me hit those pan things with those spoon things.

It’s loud and fun until mom comes back inside

…one of the grandson’s first clear phrases he’s learned to say? “Uh-oh, what did you DO?” Yes, he’s a very active lad.

“well, i don’t know, chuck, that sounds like a lot of work…”

“hey then it’s a good thing that working is something we love to do!”

gotta love “Chuck & Friends”

Slow children are ok.
It’s not the slow children that worry me; it’s the small, quick ones that are likely to pop out from behind a parked car as I drive that worry me

O dear, I believe I’ve taught my grandson the primary rule of gov’t budgeting… Instead of using less, find reasons to get more. 🙁

We’ve taught him to wipe off the crayon marks he puts on the fridge. He uses a spray bottle of water. These are special easy clean crayons.

He likes cleaning so much that now he’s marking everything so he can use the bottle.

We’ve had a talk about that and now he knows it’s ok to clean just for the fun of it, without having to use the crayons as part of the process 🙂

I learned that when the grandson says ‘choochoocar’ he means, ‘train engine’ but when he says ‘peepeecar’ he means ‘crayon”

Language is a funny thing

Saturday morning. I’m working on my project which is due on Monday morning in Austin.

The grandson is nearby, playing with his armada of cars, arranging and rearranging them in neat lines in what i presume are strategic positions.

He stands back, critiques the scenario, and makes slight adjustments to the ranks as he sees fit. Then he maneuvers the cars and sometimes crashes them into each other. But not always, just sometimes, and only under certain (unknown to me) conditions.

He’s jabbering away to himself, occasionally giving orders to the drivers in the cars using whatever magical language it is he speaks these days. I hear his playing punctuated by the occasional “boom”, “waah”, “uh oh”, and “you ok?” now and again.

Suddenly out of seemingly nowhere, he DJ-drops a perfect “Dr Evil” BWAHAHAHA laugh into the mix.

I don’t know whether or not to be impressed or scared. Probably a little of both.

Awww how sweet. Grandson gave me a kiss before his noontime nap.

O wait, now he’s kissing the dog, his toys, and his tonka truck.

So it’s not an exclusive club I’m in, haha

Teaching the littleun about yardwork and coffee breaks. And spiders.

“Spidurrrr!!” cries he.

“Spider? Oh yah, that’s a spider.”

“Spidurrrr!!”, he repeats, still unsure of the situation.

“It’s ok. It won’t get you.”

“Won’t get youuuu?”

“No, unless it’s a jumpy spider.”

“Ohhhhh”

“Let’s see… what kind IS it? Hmmm.” [we get closer]

[me] “A JUMPY SPIDER!!! AHHHH”

[he] “Ahhhhhh!!!!1!!”

Hard to tell in this pic, but thanks to a mail-order purchase we have about 8 feet of medium-size bubble wrap.

Add a jumpy boy and it’s lots of noisy fun

Grandson found a new way to defy authority.

He’s scattered my 8 pieces of bubblewrap film (each about 8 feet long) around the house in what appears to be strategic places.

Then when he does something he’s not supposed to, and me or his momma go over to stop him, our frustration and parental gravitas is extinguished when we walk (or sometimes run) to where he’s doing his shenanigans.

“HEY I TOLD YOU NOT (pop pop) to (pop) (giggle) do (pop) (giggle) hey look i can pop too (pop pop pop)”

It is 12:47 pm sunday afternoon and my grandson’s toy truck is broken on the kitchen counter.

I note this because at around 10:45 this morning i put the broken toy on the counter and turned around to get some super-glue.

Suddenly it’s two hours later and the guest bathroom is scrubbed, all the tile floor is swept & mopped, area rugs vacuumed, laundry half-done and dishes loaded & dishwasher running.

It all started because when i turned to get the super-glue i noticed that i needed to clear a spot on the kitchen table to make room for the super-glue mini-project. In doing that i noticed the floor needed sweeping. That led to dishes, which led to…

And the toy is still not worked on.

I can see how college house parties can get out of hand very quickly

#onethingleadtoanother

A rabbit?

A ribbon?

A robot?

A ribbet?

A rivet?

A reuben?

A robin?

A webbing?

A wedding?

Still not sure what the grandboy is saying

When grandpa teaches colors:

“Which one is the blue one? C’mon you know this; someday your life may depend on it”

Showing the littleun how to early vote in the primaries

The grandboy holds my hand while I use the vacuum cleaner so I won’t be scared

To you and me, these look like apple slices.

To a 3.5 yr old boy these are racing snails.

Racing snails that scream when you chew them…

I’ll have to stop referring to the grandboy as a toddler.

He doesn’t toddle as much as “lunge forward at full speed” nowadays.

I have a picture of a futuristic gladiator hanging by the back entryway.

The grandson was nervous about it. I assured him by saying it was a guard to stop bad guys from coming in the door.

So he repeats it back to me, and in his little kid accent it sounds like he’s saying, “God will save me” when he points to this.

I have to let his momma know what he’s really saying before he freaks her out one of these days and they are sitting at home, alone…

I listened to a song today from one of my fav music groups, The Gregory Brothers.

Then I heard my grandson singing as he played with his cars.

And then I saw and heard this video of a woman hearing sound for the first time in her life.

I’m going to backtrack and re-listen to the first two again, but with a different perspective. http://youtu.be/S7LcNUxcQ8Y

Sometimes, on our walks, the grandboy and I play the “Monsters Are Coming” game.

It’s not what you may think.

We chase the monsters.

Yes! I have always wondered how to introduce the second law of thermodynamics to my grandson. And here’s how:

“Humpty Dumpty has been used to demonstrate the second law of thermodynamics.

The law describes a process known as entropy, a measure of the number of specific ways in which a system may be arranged, often taken to be a measure of “disorder”. The higher the entropy, the higher the disorder.

After his fall, and subsequent shattering, the inability to put him together again is representative of this principle, as it would be highly unlikely, though not impossible, to return him to his earlier state of lower entropy, as the entropy of an isolated system never decreases.”

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Humpty_Dumpty#In_science

The littleun is ‘fixing’ a car I’m ‘driving’ that broke. He fixed it and asked for payment.

I asked “how much?” and the answer was “five”.

We settled for “three”. Never too soon to teach free market principles.

We’ll use the proceeds to build a charity ward 🙂

I asked the littleun to use his “inside voice”.

And he did.

Apparently he thought he was inside a lumber mill 😛

I was driving about this weekend and casually reached over for something with my right hand.

“BOTH HANDS, gwumpa, USE BOTH HANDS “, piped a command from the back seat.

We’re in good hands, folks.

I think one of the best gifts to give our children is the appreciation and love of silence.

Not muffled suppression using earmuffs, but the lack of manufactured man-made messages like radio, music, or television.

Some of God’s best messages are given in the small, still places between the walls of sound we’ve become comfortable dwelling inside.

Watching the grandboy devour cold spaghetti, I marvel at the child’s creativity and sheer determination.

Those noodles are pretty wiggly, as is he… 🙂

Working on a project for the grandboy.

He saunters over, interested in the goings-on. “Wat YOO MAKIN’?” he says/shouts in his husky morning voice.

Then he spots the spilled glue. “OH. YOU makin’ a MESS”.

Then walks away.

O that peanut gallery

i love my grandboy, but the more he helps the less we get done.

Well, good news is that he’s learning how to use a vacuum cleaner 😀

What a difference a decade makes.

I’m sharing this thought with my friends using a touchscreen tablet on a broadband connection as my grandson and I are chillin’ to EDM on internet radio station.

And earlier I’d woken up having dreamt of colleagues with whom I’d worked with when I was overseas.

Ten years ago none of this was part of my life.

What’s in store between now and 2024?

Good to see that someone’s listening. My grandson just chastised me for opening the refrigerator door.

“Costs money, gwumpa. COSTS MONEY”

“Smell the tree”

Seems like a rather silly request.

But I want the littleun to remember the scent of trees and grass and outdoor woody things, before the growing-up starts and smelling trees seems like a silly thing to do.

…and so it begins…

Momma, to the grandboy, “Go to sleep nice now because you’re going to have a great day in school tomorrow.”

Grandboy, after giving this a good think, “But I already went to school. I went today.”

Good luck, momma

…the grandson just started hollering just now. Seems he got some ice cream in his eye.

My response? “Of course they call it EYE SCREAM because he SCREAMS when you put it in his EYE.”

I was thinking of this before the explanation came from my daughter’s mouth.

Bad Dad Joke Power to the rescue.

I have just been reminded of how tiny the grandboy is.

I asked him to share the malted milk ball treats he was holding and he gave me an entire handful.

There were three of them in this handful.

Even the best intentions go awry.

I was walking with the grandboy in the neighbourhood and we were discussing what was ok to “shoot” with his pretend handgun (a literal gun made with his pointy finger) and what wasn’t.

Squirrels, trees, parked cars, random bugs and fence posts, ok.

People, moving vehicles, dogs, not ok.

If we’re being attacked then yes, the attacker is fair game, regardless of everything else. But first we establish the level of friendliness by saying “hi” first.

So of course on the walk one of the daily exercisers and we cross paths.

“Hi” I said, as we would normally do. He waves and smiles and says “Hi” with a special one for the grandboy.

I look down, expecting a big wave and response.

The grandboy delivers but adds an unsurprising surprise:

“Hi! I’m not gonna shoot you.”

The subtleties of human interaction are yet to be picked up 😛

I’m working from home today and have an interesting peek of a normal day in the household.  My grandson just came in through the doggie door.

…ok, so speaking of memes, it appears that the songsong phrase, “na, na-nee boo-boo” has been rattling around all over the world in slightly different variations and across generations.

I swear i didn’t teach that to my kids. Now the grandboy is tossing it around http://forum.wordreference.com/showthread.php?t=187747

Gwampa wot’s daaaat? Wot’s dat ting?

Nooo haha your phone is in your hand you silly THAT’S a phone

I don’ know what that’s ting inna picture

Dishwasher stopped working. Grandboy asked what was wrong with it and I said the power’s not going to it for some reason.

“See? No lights. No power.”

“Ah gwampa no power it no working. It’s dead.”

“Yep”

“You gotta charge it, gwampa. Get the batteries charged, then it’s working again! Plug it in gwampa plug it in ok?”

Ok, so THIS happened during a “nap”

Ah. It seems my grandson doesn’t just exit a slide in the play area as much as he propels himself out with all the gusto of a fired-up paratrooper… and follows up with karate parkour moves

With this kid, even a whisper is deafening. Seriously, don’t ask him to tell you a secret.

Loud and slobbery, like a goofy dog or a bad date

Last grand-story for today, I promise

We were having a typical discussion yesterday while washing the truck in the driveway. I casually mentioned I was going to climb on top of the truck and would jump off, and was met with instant concern:

He: “NO GWUMPA no climbing onna truck. You fall down and and and bonk yer head.”

I’m filling up the truck at a local shop and am reminded of an encounter with the attendant at the register.

My grandson and I had gone in to get snacks and drink and of course the boy zeroes in on the bags of sweets…

“Chocolate. I want chocolate, pleeeeez”, sweetly he says as he points to the treasure assortment right at toddler arm level.

“No, not now. We’re here for other snacks. Chocolate is too messy on a hot day and you just got that clean shirt on. ”

“Pleeeeze” ☺ Again the cuteness.

The attendant, trying to be helpful: “We don’ sell chocolate. No chocolate here. No can get”

The boy and I look at the lunkhead with probably the same expressions on our faces…

The boy: “But. This. Chocolate.”

Attendant: “No. not chocolate”

And suddenly I can see how chocolate and WMD can become the same thing, in the right situation…

I wonder how long it’ll take my grandson to realise that I call that one guy “Octopus Prime” on purpose.

He keeps gently correcting me like I’m soft in the head 🙂

Mamasan made some signs for grandboysan to use when he’s playing with his cars. Now they have places to go!

He did the coloring bits of course

The grandboy is singing at the top of his lungs while sitting on the toilet.

One of these days I’ll work up the guts to do this at work

YES! The phrase “Gwampa don’t eat my cars and don’t sleep on them, ok? Ok?” has just easily rolled off the grandboy’s lips.

I have worked very hard to establish my reputation here in the household 😀

…and this is the pose of a Stuffed Lion who has seen Great Love by a Little Boy.

Not quite Pooh, but Close Relative

Looking at a child’s scribbles is sometimes like looking at a 2-dimensional snapshot of a 4th-dimensional scene recorded over a span of time. In many cases, you aren’t seeing a static image but an entire story, from start to finish, in one frame. Gives you a different perspective on a child’s drawings if you think of it this way.

I was witness to the birth of these as the artist narrated what was going on…

The upper left-corner image is his family members going for a walk and then going into the family race car for a drive (every family has a family race car, right?)

The upper right corner image is a motorcycle going around a race track with increasing speed.

The bottom image is a man who is being chased by lava and isn’t very happy about it because it eventually catches up to him and gets him.

Grandboy: “Gwumpa gwumpa come quickly come quickly they’re falling they’re falling hurry come look!!”

Me: “They’re falling? Where? Are they falling in love?”

Grandboy: “No they’re falling into the crocodiles :-[ ”

Me: “Oh well that’s kind of the same thing then. Let’s see what we can do.”

Two of the most influential questions to ask littleuns as they start figuring out the basics of cause & effect:

1. Who did this?

2. How are you going to fix this?

I’ve found this helps teach fundamental concepts that need to stick with them as they grow up – accountability and responsibility.

As they answer the questions, they come to realise that they own the problem, and they have to figure out how to recover from their mistakes.

If done gently they will learn that making mistakes isn’t the end of the world, and that will lead to more honesty as they trust your reactions.

This comes not from doing it right as a parent, but from my mistakes I’ve made as a parent!

Sad snowman on the left, happy snowman on the right

Mean snowman on top (he has claws and is laughing), scared snowman on bottom (he’s covering his eyes with his hands)

The neighbour provides for good Saturday morning entertainment and education.

He has a tangerine tree in the back yard and for the last two winters has been donating a bag or two of the fruit to our household.

Grandboy and I are eating some, and picking out the seeds. Therein starts a vital lesson in survivalist theory: How To Grow Food From Seed.

The littleun drops our bowl of seeds on the ground and laments the fact that they’ve gotten dirty.

“That’s ok”, I said, “they’re going into the dirt anyways”.

“Ooooohhh I get it, haha they’ll be all dirty” was the reply.

So he pokes his skinny little kid finger in a planter I’m using to keep LAST year’s seedlings alive and pops the seeds in there, covers them up and we water them.

And then sits there for a few minutes encouraging them to grow. These sounds can be heard from the kitchen while I’m tidying things up:

“Go little seed grow grow!”

“C’mon you can do it”

“Gwampa why they not grow? Are they sick?”

The concept of “A Long Time” is yet to be learned 🙂

One crayon up the nose of a rambunctious lad leads to a right bloody mess, a frightened school admin, and a confused grandpa.

A younger, more stuffier version of me would have bristled at the thought of a child coating paint on perfectly good toys.

A more experienced, more introspective me sees the value in fine motor skills, self-expression and sense of accomplishment the lad is developing here.

Thank goodness his momma didn’t pick up ALL of her parenting examples from me when she was a youngun

The grandboy, while helping me do dishes:

“Gwumpa I NEVER drink old coffee (as he watches me dump out my thermos) blaughhh. You know why? You know why gwumpa? You know?”

“No, why is that?”

“Because I drink old coffee I’ll be old like you gwumpa I’ll be oooolllld”

“He he yep you’ll turn old all right.”

“Yah and den, and den I turn into a zombie and attack everyone and attack momma and she’ll get mad.”

“Yep better stay away from that old coffee then…”

Mamasan is working tonight so it’s me tucking in the grandboy:

“Ummm gwumpa I’m thirsty.”

“OK. You are thirsty.” (See comment below)

“May I have some water, gwumpa? You get it for me? That would be great.”

I see a future of middle management ahead of this kid…

We’re in the process of acknowledging his needs but making him explicitly ask for assistance instead of hinting around. 
Clears up future misunderstandings and will probably help him get that raise or bonus when he’s out in the working world. 
If you don’t ask, you don’t get…!

The grandboy, trying to type his name into a computer game:

“Mom mom I need to put something in here what help me mom heeeelp”

“Hey put your name in there. You know how to spell your name. How do you spell your name?”

“With help. Help me mommmma”

Here are all the dinosaurs in Dr Grandboy’s recovery room.

They were put in there after the swift arm of Officer Grandboy swept in to stop them from eating all the city’s buildings and cars.

Judge Grandboy ordered them to apologise to the city once they recovered from their wounds

He’s moving up to bigger and more complex paint jobs… I’ll put in an order for my truck soon

I don’t know yet if I’m the worst or best gpa ever.

The grandboy wanted fruit snacks, so I had him go into the utility room (with the light on), close the door and go “trick or treating” for them…

Here’s a new face and a whole new set of adventures!

Watch this space 😀

I don’t think Grimm’s Fairy Tales were necessarily written to entertain little children, but I think they may have been written BY them…

The grandboy and I were having a safety discussion after I found he’d unlocked and opened the front door.

This was our debriefing: “Ok now why do you never unlock and open the front door?”

Him: “[Excitedly] Because then the bad mommas come in to the house and and and they eat everyone [sadface] and my momma will be sad.”

Ok, not quite the answer I was looking for but it’ll do, for now ;p

The grandboy, giving me the reasons why he’s not napping:

“Well, I’m I’m see look I’m (waving hands) not sleeping, see?”

“Yes I noticed that. Why not?”

“It’s well, well I’m not not see (waving hands again), look!” (He points to his eyelids)

“These closing-things, they are stuck open and I can’t close them so that’s why I’m not sleeping (notices the dog) and puppy’s not sleeping and YOU not sleeping and momma’s not sleeping so i can come out now please?

The grandboy, trying to convince me to let the family dog sleep with him:

“Gwumpa, i neeeed puppy in here.”

“O? Why do you neeeeed him in here?”

“Look.” (he picks up his (currently) fav toy, a “Jake pirate” doll from “Jake and the Neverland Pirates” cartoon series) “look see? Him not alive.” (picks up the doll, stands it up and it falls over)

“See he can’t stand up. Can’t protect me when bad guys come in the window and take me. Hmph” (crosses arms)

“Him him him not alive i neeeed puppy.”

“Ok. Let’s go see if puppy wants to come in and sleep in here.”

Sad to say the pup wasn’t having any of this. He was cozy on the couch, and chose to pretend neither of us were calling and shouting his name, even when young master was standing in front of him.

I promised the youngun I’d pop in now and again to make sure no bad guys had stolen him.

Mamasan’s been working nights, so I’ve had a number of babysitting nights recently… here’s another gwumpa story 😀

We’re sitting in the bedroom, finishing up a 2nd nighttime book and the grandboy requests another.

“No sir, we’ve read the two you picked out and it’s time for prayers and sleep now…”

“But gwumpaaaaaa” (as he puts away the books)

He pulls out another fav, a dinosaur book and blinks big eyes at me.

“No sir, but you can read it on your own after we finish. You can read after bedtime.”

“But gwumpa, i don’t even know these things’ names.

Look. This bird. (he points to a dinosaur)

This tree. (He points to dinosaur eggs)

This race car. (He points to a stream).

See? You have to reeead them to me.”

Hm, i think, this is obviously a ploy to stay up later, so we close out the night with a firm but gentle end to the story negotiation.

Then later, when I peek in on him, I find…

the boy on his bed, finger-tracing the words in that book, pretend-reading it out loud.

And he even nailed every dinosaur, egg, and stream in there.

He just wanted his friend-gwumpa to read with him.

He got extra hugs and kisses after that.

If for no other reason, i shall always be remembered by the grandboy as the one who taught him how to double-jump.

Now that’s not such a bad thing 😀

Sometimes it’s all in the presentation.

Grandboy was hangry. I offered him a couple of slices of ham and a piece of cheese.

“Ugh, nooooo gwumpa i no want that”

Ok.

I took two pieces of bread and put the same ham and cheese inside them.

“OOO yah that’s what I WANT!”

Mamasan wants littleun to have some music to sleep to and requested a classical music collection to help stimulate his brain as he settles himself in and falls asleep.

I think it’s a good idea as I’ve done that myself.  So we have a little mp3 player with auto shutoff and a couple of hours of randomized selections.

Tonight, littleun has a request, since mamasan’s working.

“Gwumpa.” (Sad face) “gwumpa I want sad music because I miss momma and sad music is in my heart…”

So no John Williams tonight 🙂

The grandboy has perfected the simultaneous sadangry face.

He can look like pretty much any character off of the “Thomas the Tank Engine” show when the mood strikes.

I’d snap a pic but depending on the situation, it would either

1) make him angrier or

2) make him smile, since smiling is what you do when a photo is being taken

The grandboy is able to take off his t shirt completely by pulling it down all the way past his shoulders and hips.

One of the advantages of still having a head wider than both areas 🙂

Me, gently teasing the grandboy after he decided to race me (while I was walking) and did a chest-plant on the grass:

“Hey boy, why you fallin down like that? What are you doin down there?”

Littleun, in true form: “Ha gwumpa I fall because I run fast. You can’t fall down because you swooooow”

And then, the final victory dance: “Na nanny boo-boo…”

“No, don’t lick people. It’s not polite to lick people.”

To whom am I am speaking?

1. A prime minister or elected official

2. My neighbor’s dog

3. My 4-yr old grandson

The grandboy has been in the “repeat what I say mode” – meaning that he keeps saying the same thing over and over until you repeat the last few words he’s said.

And now he’s combining this with his “question mode”.

“Gwumpa, gwumpa look I put a towel on my head! Look, i put a towel on my head. Gwumpa a towel on my head. GWUMPA”

Me: “O look, a towel is on your head.”

“Why gwumpa? Why towel on my head? WHY? Why towel on my head?”

Me: “I don’t know, why is a towel on your head?”

“HAHA” (and runs away)

Now I’ll never know why the towel was on his head. I suspect he was just trolling me.

Sometimes gwumpas build things.

After the last couple of winters devastated the garden area out back (sorry, Mom!) I decided to spend a couple of days and hard labor into something my grandkids can enjoy.

And yes, I’ll move the slide and give the relaxation station a go when the mood strikes 😛

At 6:28 on a holiday weekend morning, the only thing that grandboy should be TRANSFORRRRRMING into is a quiet, sleeping child… :p

Blew the grandboy’s mind today.

He was pretending to be flying in his space craft and landed on a planet. Announced that he’s landed safely.

I asked him how he feels being a space alien.

He replies, “No gwumpa I not alien. I’m exploring in space.”

To which I respond, “I know you’re exploring. But you aren’t on your home planet any more.

You’re on someone else’s planet and came from space. So you are now a space alien.”

So he thinks.

And thinks some more.

And does the arm-waving, eye-rolling, walking weirdly thing…”woooogh I’mmmmm aaaa spaaaaacccccee aiiiilieeeeennnn”

Labels do funny things to the human psyche 😉

The grandboy’s started a game whereby he asks us for a choice (“which one do you want, the green one or the big one?”) and after we choose, he pulls this answer out: “Sorry, it’s broken (out of power, someone else is using it, etc)

This means we are expected to choose another one. And another one. And…

Rather than encourage this “computer say ‘no'” mentality I turn this around to give him ownership of the issue.

“I’d like the one I chose.”

“But gwumpa it’s bwoken…”

“I know, you said that. But you also offered it. How are you going to fix it?”

The reports of broken equipment have been slowing down and productivity is up. Huh.

The grandboy has declared it is imporant not to let muddy footpimps in the house. I most heartily agree

I’m reading to the grandboy before his nap.

He picks up a toy mobile phone and starts talking: “Ok hold on; I’m reading a story with gwumpa, I’ll call you back later.”

I suppress a giggle and continue to read.  He starts pushing buttons on the phone.

“Hey,” I stop, “are you listening to the story or playing?!?”

“GWUMPA”, comes the reply, “I’m TEXTING my MOM”

The grandboy and I are building a city before bedtime.

“Why you can build this?” he asks as we build structures.

I ponder the question.  Why indeed?  We build cities to house our people, to show how grand we are, to leave something behind that shows we were here once and made a difference.

I start to answer, but slowly, as I can’t think of a way to share this with him in a way he can understand.  But I’m cut off.

“O gwumpa I know! You can build this because you got the blocks!”

Ah the age-old reason.  Because it’s there.

Oh and here’s the video you’ll be thinking of for a while after reading this post:

[youtube https://youtu.be/K1b8AhIsSYQ]

The grandboy decided all of his army men had defected and deserved a suitable punishment.

So all of his toy cars were sent out to eat them.

His mother blamed me for his frame of mind and style of justice.

Only a child can accidentally somersault off the bed and end up laughing about it

Ok, so I guess life is good when you break into a Bruno Mars song & dance routine.   Go grandboy

Grandboy said he liked to drink water.

“Me too!” I said.  He laughed.

“You are a BABY? Why you a BABY, GWUMPA?”

I looked confused so he held up two fingers.

“YOU are TWO, gwumpa.  I’m FOUR (four tiny fingers poked up). Hee hee”

Let the dad jokes begin, already 😀

Gwumpas with glue can do anything, it seems.

The temperature dropped recently here, and it’s been pouring buckets of water.  Fortunately we had a reprieve and it’s nice enough to leave the back door open.  Let’s check our math, shall we?  rain+dirt+stompyboy =

Yes! We’re cleaning up mud inside.  How mud got on the toilet seat I’ll not ask, but I will insist he cleans up his adventure results.

And after he cleans, it’s time for me to clean again, since his cleaning consists of mainly spraying water from his cleaning bottle on everything and then only sometimes wiping it off 😛

He don’t care, I don’t care, will mamasan care?  We’ll find out soon enuff

A terrible hail and thunderstorm rolled through.  Momma’s at work.  So naturally we go play in the storm.

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VIGqK56AYC4]

This weekend’s storms provided a good learning platform.  It is entirely possible to be careful and at the same time, not fearful.

And, we can let rain fall on us and we won’t melt.  Well, not MOST of us, anyways.

I’m not a clean freak.  Really.

But I do like things tidy.

Way back when, a lifetime ago (when things were more stressful), I was the one who did the deep-cleaning (and the light cleaning as well) in the household.  Vac, mop, walls, etc.

Some of that was personal preference, some a reaction to the living situation.

Things are better now so I’m more relaxed.  Having had a decade of living with boxes of items all round, and in various locales tends to bring perspective into what’s important.

But some things I’m still a stickler about.  Walls, carpet, and floorboards, for one.

When the grandboy and his momma needed a safe haven to run to, there was no hesitation.  But I very quickly remembered how exciting life is when you’ve a pint-sized walking ball of energy  mixed with food and mud and sometimes the occasional sniffly, vomit-y mess that comes with the package.

Momma’s good about making sure things are kept to a standards minimum.  But I do find I scrub the walls a little more often than I used to.

Except for one spot.

This is is my reminder of how blessed we grandparents are and how I in particular am blessed to have good relationships with my kids – all of them, thankfully.

I was cleaning up one day, about 2½ years ago, when I came upon this patch of mud spread across the doorjamb.  The grandboy had been playing outside with momma in the dirt and used the doorjamb to steady his step up to the next part of the landing.

It occurred to me right then how strong a message this little bit of mess held for me.

The two of them had only been living here for a couple of months.  My daughter had trusted me to help out in a bad situation.  Her boy had no clue what was going on – he barely knew how to walk up a single step without help.  At that moment in time, I hadn’t a clue how long my visitors would be staying with me, but already I knew things would be forever changed no matter how long they stayed.

This is a smeary mess.  I know that.  But it’s also a symbol of trust and respect between myself and family, odd as it sounds.  I’ve actually protected it with a clear coat of gloss – now that the littleun is helping to clean, he may accidentally wipe off this reminder.  I love irony but not that much!

This little patch of dirt will be gone at some point in time.  Maybe after I’m gone and buried.  But until then, this stays as a precious work of love and art.

I accidentally made the grandboy cry one day while teaching him about money.

He understands about the concept of money.  You need it to do certain things but not for others.  He knows this personally because he plays “free” games on a tablet and knows some areas or items are locked and can only be unlocked if you pay money for them.  We don’t pay for upgrades, so for him, these are unattainable.  And that’s ok.

He also knows that certain “real-life” activities cost money while others don’t.  Opening the hallway door doesn’t cost money.  Opening the bedroom door doesn’t cost money.  Opening the bathroom door doesn’t cost money. Opening the refrigerator, outside or closet doors DOES cost money (the closet lights come on when you open the doors).

We were doing some cleaning one day and he was “helping” by adding soap to the water in the bucket.  He plopped too much soap in the water and I corrected him by saying we needed to use less, because the water would be too soapy and it would take more water to clean off the items than needed now.  He replied, “yah… and costs money too…”

I laughed and said, yes, it costs money too.

“So Gwumpa,” he pondered, “Water costs money.  Soap costs money.  Bucket doesn’t cost money?”

“Yes, bucket costs money.  I had to pay for the bucket once, but not every time I use it now.”

“Ooooh.” [thinking some more, then seemingly distracted as the dog came sniffing round to see what food the boy might have dropped in the kitchen]. “Puppy doesn’t cost money!”

“Haha,” I laughed, “O yep puppy costs money.  He needs doctor visits and food and stuff.”

“Oh.”  [thinking] “People don’t cost money.”

“Well…” [me, trying to think of how to phrase this correctly] “yes, people cost money too for the same reasons.  I need to pay for things to keep us alive and happy.”

“I cost money, gwumpa?”

I chuckle, “Yep, you cost money too.”

Then comes the sadface and the hiccup of a little cry. “Gwumpa I don’t want to cost money!”

I realise then that he’s thinking of his games and the lessons we’ve had about saving expenses.  I don’t freak about expenses but he knows they are something to avoid.

“Honey,” I give him a hug.

“It’s ok for you to cost money.  I love you.  We save money on some things so we can spend more on you and me and your momma.  You are more important to me than the other stuff.”

“Ok gwumpa.” [dries his eyes then looks at the bucket] “Don’t put too much soap in the water, gwumpa, we need to save some for later, ok?”

Photo credit – Dave Ramsey

The grandboy’s taken the ‘why” question out into psychology realm now.

Grandboy: “GWUMPA gwumpa i’m thirsty gwumpa I’m thirsty.  May I have some water please?”

Me: “Ok sure [I hold two cups out] which one would you like, the red cup or the blue cup?”

Grandboy: “The RED one gwumpa, red one please.”

Me [filling up the red cup]: “Ok here’s water in the red cup.”

Grandboy: “Why?”

Me [confused]: “Why what?  Why am I pouring water or why did you pick the red cup or why did you want water?”

Grandboy: “Why i can choose the RED cup, gwumpa?  Why red?”

Me: “O I don’t know.  You chose it.  Why did you choose the red one?”

Grandboy: “I’ll have to think about that.”

I was chasing the grandboy around the couch to get the little nerf football from him.  He had just got back from visiting with his uncle who is an American football fan, so he is in sports mode now.

As we were racing around the couch he pulls out a pretend handgun and shoots me down and then does a little dance.

I throw a red flag on the play.  Everyone knows grandstanding is unsportsmanlike.

Gwumpa chase me chase me chase me GWUMPA CHASE MEEEEE

[hmph]

Ok gwumpa it’s ok just PRETEND to chase me, ok?

[runs]

HAHAHAHA WEEEEE

A breathless grandboy came running up to me, wiping his face.

“GWUMPA gwumpa hey gwumpa look hey gwumpa gwumpa AAGH hey”

“Hm. What’s the problem?”

“Gwumpa i ran into spider web. Spider web on my face.  Look see see look spider web on my face!  Spider web.”

[looking] “I don’t see it.  I think you got it all off.”

“I don’t like spiders.  Gwumpa go kill it.”

“No he’s fine.  He was outside.  You walked into HIS house.  He should be mad at YOU.”

[he doesn’t buy the argument, crosses his arms] “Hmph.  Don’t like spiders”

“Spiders outside are good.  They eat mosquitoes and bugs and stuff.  Just watch where you are walking and you both will be ok.”

“Ok but he don’t come into MY house gwumpa”

“Good plan, sir.  I like that.”

photo credit: https://www.flickr.com/photos/olibac/

I made the mistake of picking up some cups that were embedded in the grandboy’s collection of toys.

“No don’t please don’t pick it up.”

“I need to pick up the cups so we can wash them.”

“Not a cup gwumpa.” [looks at my hand] “That’s a freeze chamber. Need freeze chamber to stop bad guys gwumpa.”

“No, gwumpa,” chirped a small voice as I poured a cup of juice, “I don’t want juice please.”

“Oh?” I raised an eyebrow, “well, it’s not for you.”

[three, two, one…],

“…but you can have some of mine maybe…”

“Ah yes please!  Want your juice.”

—–

A little mental elbow grease sometimes gets things moving along.

Photo credit: Eyelashes of a Blue Skinned God

The grandboy and I are discussing physics.  Gravity and mass, specifically.  He conceptually understands that mass attracts mass and that’s what makes things fall and stuff.

He also knows that everything has mass (we’ll go into the neutrino debate later on, once I study up on that).

The tree has mass.  The ball has mass.  The dog has mass.  His head has mass.  Etc.

So what does he say when he jumps on a stick and breaks it?

“I don’t have mass today, gwumpa.  Today I have SMASH.”

Photo credit:  Some rights reserved by Gwyrosydd

The grandboy found that the adhesive properties of claydoh (as he calls it) have unexpected advantages.  To him of course, not his peeps.

I can see where surnames like ‘Smith’, ‘Baker’, and ‘Carpenter’ came about.

I’d asked the grandboy what is the name of his little helper and the answer was along the lines of,

“He, he, he don’t have a name.  O wait. Yes. His name is ‘SpidermanHelperGuyWhoLikesToWearABrownBeltButHesNotWearingItToday’.”

Breakfast.

Little one, being a little stubborn.

“NO Gwumpa, no want food for breakfast.”

I offer a single bit of cereal. “Here, I got a new type (it really was a new type, I wasn’t lying).  Try this out and see if you like it.  You don’t have to eat the whole bowl.  I’m just testing to see if you like this new one.”

[nom]

I walk away.

The little one pipes up. “HEY GWUMPA I LIKE IT.  I can have more?  With milk in it?”

The gods of Madison Avenue were smiling.

The passing on of family traditions and lines of thought is so important. Today the grandboy was pretending to be a shark.

“You afwaid, you afwaid of me gwumpa?”

Playing along, i said yes, i was afraid.

The grandboy, coming up with a failed reason to delay the inevitable:

“But gwumpa i no need to clean my room.” [thinks] “I know! I will clean it on Sunday.”

“But today IS Sunday.”

“Gwumpa I sorry i sneak out and eat cupcakes when you were sleeping.”

“Why did you sneak out? You know you aren’t supposed to sneak while everyone’s sleeping. That can be a problem.”

“I know gwumpa it’s just that my brain my big brain keeps telling me to think about cupcakes and i don’t know how to stop it.”

Sometimes scribble-scrabble (thinking outside the box) is called for and sometimes it’s not. It all depends on the situation

Where does this kid get his input?

I made a comment about something and his response was,

“That’s awesome sauce, gwumpa”

Photo credit: Some rights reserved by lincolnblues

Ah the advantages of having an alter ego.

Grandboy did his nighttime routine when momma’s at work… Toilet, teeth, story, prayers, etc.

I’d wondered why he donned his Batman mask half-way through. I didn’t have to wonder for long.

Grandboy: I sure like my outside clothes.

Me: Why is that?

Grandboy: Well, it’s because, ’cause, because i can go outside and PLAY and i can RUN and they are COOL and, and, BANANAS! [runs away]

It’s official. Being this far in south-east part of the country, the grandson has picked up the southern drawl.

Like his momma before him at his age, he now says the words “hair” and “sad” using two syllables apiece.

Also he does a fair rendition of “Life is like a box of chocolates” ala that Gump fella.

Photo credit: Some rights reserved by Matt Northam

The grandboy went shopping with me today. He tried to convince me that a bag of doughnuts had bananas hidden inside of them.

He even tried to pelosi me by saying i should buy them to see for sure if they had them or not.

Photo credit: Some rights reserved by duncan

Someday I’ll regret answering the grandboy with the answer “Because it’s fun” when i can’t be bothered to provide a proper answer.

Karma’s gonna have fun then 😛

“Why you wiping the table, gwumpa?”

Photo credit: Some rights reserved by thriol

Why does the grandboy spin in circles when he eats? Doesn’t seem to bother him so that’s all right with me.

I’d ask him but I’m afraid I’d be disturbing whatever is taking place here.

Good thing is that he’s getting some exercise in the process 😖

Photo Credit: Some rights reserved by Le Petit Poulailler

“O be careful or you’ll fall down.”

“Yah gwumpa like Honky Donkey.”

(huh?)

Call me an old softie, but when i realised Maria and Luis hooked up on the Street i shed a tear or two. Watching the next-next-gen version with the grandboy now

Photo credit: Some rights reserved by an untrained eye

Grandboy: Those people, they, they all driving cars.

Me: Yep, they are all driving cars.

Grandboy: Why they driving cars?

Me:  Dunno.  Maybe they are getting food or going to work or seeing friends.

Grandboy: Monkeys don’t drive cars.

Me: Nope.  Monkeys don’t drive cars.  Why not?

Grandboy: Cuz they will crash the cars and hurt people. [BOOM SCREECH] AAAUGH!!!!

Me:  Hm.  YOU don’t drive cars.

Grandboy: No I don’t drive cars, gwumpa [makes face, rolls eyes]

Me: Then you must be a monkey.

Grandboy: NO GWUMPA I a boy.  I a boy not a monkey.

Me: You like bananas.  Monkeys like bananas, and don’t drive cars.

Grandboy.  GWUMPA now my head is hurting.  No more talking please…

Photo credit: Some rights reserved by Toyota UK

The grandboy’s epic monster v superhero battles now include traffic infractions (i.e. running red lights) and post-clash coffee breaks.

“Ok you never go through red light again?”

“No not again superman”

My daughter is teaching her son two of the most important things I can share with her: 1. How to say ” Thank you” with a grateful heart and 2. How to speak up and lead others when they are failing to do the right thing.

All the reading, riting and rithmetic is valuable, but understanding the first two lessons is key to actually making the world a little bit better.  😀

Photo credit: Some rights reserved by cuorhome

Grandboy (from the other room): Achoo

Me (walking in unawares, as I hadn’t heard him sneeze)

Grandboy (scowling)

Me: (puzzled look)

Grandboy: GWUMPA. I sneezed but you no say “Bless you”.  It flew away now.

Me: Ah. That’s ok, you can get blessings at any time.  Bless you!

Grandboy (smiling): Yay thank you gwumpa now say “bless you” to the dog please.  Him sneezed yesterday.

Photo credit: Some rights reserved by elycefeliz

Grandboy (holding up some legos pressed together): What is this?

Me: Ummm, ah. It’s a magical dolphin.

Grandboy: NO gwumpa it’s a piece. For a CAR.

The grandboy is upset because he lost an argument with his imaginary little brother.

I told him it’s ok, we can’t win them all.

Photo credit:  Some rights reserved by pasukaru76

Grandboy is running around the house, running and diving behind furniture, then coming out saying, “ah man…”

When asked what he’s doing, the response is, “I playing Hide and Zeke”.

He doesn’t know who Zeke is, either. Although, living in Texas, he’s bound to run into one eventually

Here’s something to try.

Leave the tv and radio and internet music background noise off when the littleuns are playing in the house.

Yes, it’s scary. It leaves a gaping hole in the environment and we’re left with our own thoughts.

The littleuns may react oddly at first (but being adaptive as they are, they’ll adjust quickly).

Why do this? Saves on electricity bill, for one.

But more importantly it helps the littleuns’ brain development. They can focus on their thoughts as they play. They’ll be less likely to blindly follow others since they aren’t trained to tune out their thoughts to follow the background noise.

They will also learn how to speak more quietly and with a greater vocal range when they don’t have to shout all the time to hear themselves speak. That’s more powerful than you’d think it is… listen to great public speakers and you’ll note that the better ones aren’t monotone when they speak.

Also, this will help you hear the wonderful sound of them playing, singing, and dancing.

That’s golden.

Grandboy, singing while drawing pictures of fireworks: “Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream. Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, cross the light, the street…”

Photo credit: Some rights reserved by joinash

Grandboy: I have a, have a, I have a special laser gun, see? It shoots fire AND ice mixed together. See [zoop]

Me: Fire AND water? Together? You mean you have a water gun. Fire and ice mixed together is water.

Momma: Awwe let him be, he’s just a child, mean grampa

Grandboy: Yah! Gwumpa.

Photo credit: Some rights reserved by freestock.ca ♡ dare to share beauty

Grandboy: Awwww gwumpa i dropped my bowl of cereal on accident. [blink blink smile blink]

Me: Hm. Ok. Now you can start picking it up on purpose. You dropped it, now you pick it up.

Grandboy: But gwuummmmpa it my hands they can’t behave and they dropped it [blink blink]

Me: Well you’re responsible for your hands. If they can’t behave then you’d better let them know you aren’t happy about making them clean up after themselves.

Grandboy [grumbling, picking up the dry cereal (no milk in the bowl)] Hands get me in trouble.

Photo credit: Some rights reserved by sama093

I was walking down the hallway, off to bed and notice the grandboy’s door handle sloooooowly turning.

So I stand at the door. And wait.

The door silently opens a tiny bit and I see a lone eyeball peeking out.

I wait.

Then comes the little voice: “Gwumpa what you doin’?”

Me (trying to look and sound stern): “What are YOU doin’?”

“Nothin’ gwumpa” (door is still only cracked open and the eye unblinking)

“Then go do nothin’ in your room.”

“Okay gwumpa” The door silently closes, eye still staring me down, then I hear the click of the latch. And then a giggle.

Some movie moments can’t be caught on film 🙂

Photo credit: Some rights reserved by fazen

Me, to the grandboy: “Ok, let’s leave the pup out of your room tonight. He needs to guard the rest of the house.”

Grandboy: “Awwwwee gwumpa he needs to sleep in here with me.”

Me: “No, you’ll be fine. He’ll keep bad guys from coming through the front or back doors.”

Grandboy, catching on: “YAH! Stop them from coming in. He eat dem.”

Me: “Well…”

Grandboy, on a roll: “Or ZOMBEES. He eat the ZOMBEES gwumpa.”

Me: …

Grandboy (no stopping him now): “Or, or. or GOLDILOCKS gwumpa. She break chairs and doors and EAT all our FOOD.”

Me: …

Grandboy (to the dog): “Go get them. Get Goldilocks too no let her eat my bweakfast.”

Photo credit: Some rights reserved by CircaSassy

Me: Your room is a mess.

Grandboy: I know, gwumpa. I clean it someday.

Me: Today is a good day. You should clean your room today.

Grandboy: Wellllll,… (excitedly) how ’bout Tuesday? Yes I clean it on Tuesday!

Me: …

Grandboy: What today is?

Me: If you’re cleaning your room on Tuesday then today is Tuesday . Let’s clean your room.

Grandboy: (thinks) But.. Um. Today’s a SPECIAL Tuesday. I don’t have to clean on special Tuesdays.

Momma: You’ve got ten minutes.

Photo credit: All rights reserved by Bookriver..a little busy.

When an unstoppable force comes across an immovable object, an infinite amount of energy and noise is produced.

A real-world observation of this is when a littleun refuses to clean the bedroom and mamasan has taken notice of the situation.

Photo credit: Some rights reserved by markchadwickart

Today’s a good day to stretch the project management and set theory muscles.

Grandboy was feeling overwhelmed by the massive cleaning effort he was to do, so he did nothing. Actually he started making more mess.

So I asked him to choose one set of things to pick up and put away.

That’s all.

Just one set. We started with pencils.

Then I advised that I’d leave him to it and not watch. When he finished that set he could come out and show me his work.

We’re on set #8 now, the biggest one. Legos. But still going strong!

Photo credit: All rights reserved by peakingatnormal

Grandboy (sad): Why you no play game with me?

Me: Sorry, i don’t want to play a game today.

Grandboy: Why?

Me: I’m in a bad mood. I’ll play a little later.

Grandboy (crosses arms, frowns): Hmph. I in a bad mood, too.

Me: Why are you in a bad mood?

Grandboy: I don’t know. Why YOU in a bad mood, gwumpa?

Me: Haha let’s go play a game

Photo credit: Some rights reserved by Swamibu

The grandboy and I cuddled in bed for 10 minutes this morning before launching out of bed for adventures. I know it was 10 minutes because we were trying to make our fingers into the shape of the minute digit on my digital clock that shines the time on the ceiling. The ‘0’ and ‘3’ and ‘7’ are easy. The ‘2’ and ‘5’ are killers…

Photo credit: Some rights reserved by alternatePhotography

The grandboy is playing a game where he is covering up with a blanket, pretending be asleep and then jumps up excitedly because it’s time for school.

Hey, I’m not one to stop that game. Anything that helps his momma is a Very Good Thing

Photo credit: Some rights reserved by CaptPiper

About half a decade ago my daughter shared with me the news that she was expecting a baby. She wasn’t even old enough yet to drive.

I wasn’t thrilled, but I wasn’t devestated, either.  What I was mostly was scared.

And I could see my fear echoed in her eyes as she looked for answers to questions that hadn’t even been asked, but would be, and very quickly.

I was scared for her path and the decisions awaiting her along that path.

She chose a path some have said was unwise at her age.  She chose to not just keep the child alive, but to raise it as best as she could on her own.

It hasn’t been an easy path for her, being a single teen mom, and  not even out of high school.

Truth be told, it hasn’t been easy on me, either.

But that’s perfectly ok.  We’re not here to trod an easy path.

We’re here to face tough choices, to learn from bad decisions, to keep going when faced with adversity.

We’re here to do what we believe is right, even when so many opportunities are at our disposal to do an easier, but less enheartening thing.

Mostly, we’re here to spread the grace and goodwill passed on to us by others who have come across our journey on these paths.

Lord willing, maybe even our grandkids will catch the bug and spread it around to others.  That’s the plan, anyway.

And she’s been an awesome mom.  Knows that there are things she gives up for the sake of her child’s well-being.  Knows that she’s a mother first before anything else.  Knows that the time she spends with him daily is time he’ll cherish in his heart forever.

The original fear in our eyes has been replaced by thankfulness.

So what does the next five, ten, fifty years hold for my Gwumpa Stories?

Can’t say, really.  That’d spoil the surprise.

And I’m no stranger to surprises 😀

Photo credit: Some rights reserved by h.koppdelaney

“Gwumpa come ‘ere”

“Where?”

“Over here”

Grandboy and his momma came home with a wamalemon. It was a small one but still a little larger than a camelope.

Photo credit: All rights reserved by Fabrizio Malisan Photography @fabulouSport

Grandboy is running around in nothing but his superhero underwear. And carrying a clothes hanger.

“I superhero! I Flash Arrow!” He cries as he does a parkour move into the bedroom.

“You’re Flash? Fast as an arrow?” I misunderstand on purpose.

The sunlight pokes its fingers through the blinds as the grandboy tigger-bounces into the bedroom.

“GWUMPA gwumpa wot you doin? Wot you doing gwumpa?”

“Sleeping.”

“WHY?  The sun is up time to get up.  Wot you doing gwumpa?”

“Lying in bed, boy, lying in bed.”

“A LION?!?!?” he misunderstands on purpose, “Quick HIDE hide gwumpa!!” [jumps onto the bed and scrambles under the covers, elbows and knees strategically finding their way in all my soft spots]

“SHHHHHH” he shushes at the top of his whisper voice.

Quiet.

More quiet.

Then, a little hand pokes out from under the blanket, and i hear a muffled, “wrrunnn”.

‘What?” I pull up the blanket.

“I SAAIIIDDD, I need a wrench.”

“Why do you need a wrench?”  and hand him an imaginary wrench.

“SHHHH.” He scoots back under the blanket.

Another tiny hand pokes out, and a shouty voice, “SCREWDRIVER!”

I hand him a screwdriver.

Again the hand and voice, “ANOTHER KIND OF SCREWDRIVER!”

I lift the blanket and ask, “Sooo what happened to the lion?”

“GWUMPA.” pulls the blanket back on himself but not all the way, “You can’t drive away from the lion in a bwoken jeep.  I fixing the jeep but be quiet or the lion eat you.”

And so the day begins 😀

Photo credit: Some rights reserved by Tambako the Jaguar

If you’re ever wondering how quantum physics and children (particularly grandchildren) are alike, consider this:

1. You can measure where the child is, or how quickly he or she is running around the house, but never both at the same time.
2. Given the amount of time the child enters a room and the time an object is broken or a cookie jar in a different location is opened, you can only conclude the child was at both places at the same time.
3. You don’t know if the child is awake or asleep at naptime until you open the door to find out.
4. Observing the child alters his or her behaviour (see previous point).
5. When the child falls down and skins his or her knee, your heart hurts instantly, regardless of distance.  That’s very spooky.
6. A child’s state is passionately happy, sad, angry, hungry, you name it.  But this is always compartmentalised, and never anything in between.
7. Watching the child play with others (especially in a large group) leads to the conclusion that the individual child has particle properties as he or she asserts his or her self.  But the child also has wave properties as he or she disappears in the crowd and reappears at will.
8. The smaller the child is, the more uncertainty you encounter.  However at the macro level, uncertainty is never removed.

Photo credit: Some rights reserved by erix!

Grandboy, to mamasan: “Momma, after school tomorrow, when you pick me up, you can get me a baby brudder?”

“Gwumpa, you know why we have planets? So we can have a PLACE to put our STUFF.

Awwwe. I’d miss mommy if we didn’t have a PLANET.

And bathtubs.

O and the grass… and MOTORCYCLES!

We need a planet, gwumpa.”

Taught the grandboy some techniques on washing dishes by hand.

Used far too much soap and water but it’s an investment for future visits at gwumpa’s place…

The grandboy is excited. Mamasan is taking him to the beach where he can find SKI SHELLS and maybe some SNEE SNAILS

Just heard the saddest comment.

Some fella said something like, “if I leave early (from work) all I’ll be doing is pushing the kids on swings, grumble grumble grumble.”

I can’t even start to explain to him how precious a gift this is, especially considering the alternatives I’ve lived through, and many alternatives I’ve been blessed to be prevented from experiencing.

He’ll learn soon enough tho

GWUMPA. You hugging me too hard, you squishing me and I gonna pop.

You want me to POP, GWUMPA?

Grandboy, after stealing all my white pillows and arranging them on the white bed cover:

“Gwumpa, I make a EGGloo to live in. See my EGGloo? Know why it’s a EGGloo?

Because my penguins live in it and they lay EGGS.

EGGS, Gwumpa.EGGS.”

Grandboy: I sorry I drew on things. I can have my markers back now? I neeeeed to color my pictures.

Me: I don’t know where your markers went. That’s between you and your momma.

Mamasan: Use your crayons.

Grandboy: Gwumpa, I can have my legos now? I pick them up I promise.

Me: You tell your momma. You left them out and that’s why they’re put up. I’m not part of that 🙂

Mamasan: [looks at the boy]

Grandboy: I go color with my crayons now.

The balance of power has been established and maintained. All is well with the world.

Use the word “Alsoly” in a sentence.

“Gwumpa, i drawed a picture of a GARBAGE TWUCK and a RACE CAR and and and ALSOLY, a ninja turtle.

Here you go they are yours now. Keep them forever.”

Photo credit:

Some rights reserved by docoverachiever

The grandboy learned a fine lesson in irony this evening.

He was watching a video of Humpty Dumpy and while laughing at it he turned to show me what was so funny.

Sure enough he lost his balance and flipped off the chair.

I asked him if he was showing me how to do the Humpty Dance. He was not amused.

Photo credit:

Some rights reserved by WaveCult (luis.m.justino)

Gwumpa the guy I know, he’s he’s like a big person he’s (holds up two outstretched jazz hands) like SEVEN years old he’s almost a growed up

Photo credit:

Some rights reserved by blueiii

Gwumpa who who who is Jerry? You say you have Jerry duty. Why Jerry make you do things?

The grandboy learned one of the most dangerous phrases in his life: “Calm down, calm down, girl” (along with the hand gestures).

That ranks right up there with, “That spanking didn’t hurt, mom”

Whoever taught him that is the debbil

Photo credit

Some rights reserved by marinda.fowler | photography

As I was typing that last post, the grandboy managed to flip backwards off the couch. He lives in a self-imposed danger zone 24/7, it seems

Photo credit: Some rights reserved by CzechR

Grandboy, shouting imperiously, “GWUMPA!!”

Me, wondering what I’d done, “Yessir? What’s up?”

Grandboy, in the same tone, and running from one room, past me and then outside, “ILOVEYOU! GWUMPA I LOVE YOU!”

So far nothing has come chasing him from the other room, so I imagine that was just a bout of excitement that hit him

The best part about Gwumpa Stories is that they are everywhere, ready to be seen by anyone.

We just need to have eyes and ears and hearts ready to catch them 🙂

When it’s my time to tuck in the grandboy we start with prayers of thankfulness, then prayers for help.

That puts us in the right state of mind and reminds us that God has provided so much for us already.

Also this tells us that God comes first in our lives before anything we want or need.

That’s not my invention; that pattern was stolen straight from the Lord’s Prayer :p

The grandboy insists on having fish biscuits for lunch.

I have no idea what these would be nor where he got the idea… Maybe fish sticks?

The grandboy’s fav superhero is Cap’n ‘Merca because he Cap’n ‘Merca has a he has a shield to protect us from bad guys and we get to see Cap’n ‘Merca fireworks

Me: Are you eating nicely?

Grandboy: Yes.

Me: No, you’re eating pizza. Haha

Me: Your room is a mess.

Grandboy: Yes. Why my room is a mess?

Me: You brought stuff in here and left it laying about.

Grandboy: Not me! Maybe a (makes scared face) CREEEATURE sneaked in here and left stuff.

Me: O I know. It was Santa Claus. He’s always sneaking into people’s homes and leaving stuff around.

Grandboy:Yes! Santa Claus messed up my room!

Mamasan is going to have a talk with me soon I think 🙂

Grandboy: Gwumpa you the boss of mom?

Me: Yep.

Grandboy: And Gwumpa mom is the boss of me?

Me: Yep.

Grandboy: Well then who I the boss of?

Me: Your hands and your feet. Make sure they do good things.

If you listen carefully you can hear the sounds of children learning.

“Gwumpa I got my shoe stuck in the tree on accident”

That’s the sound of a kid learning where not to place his foot as he climbs a tree.

“Gwumpa these are so itchy. Why I kick that thing?”

That’s the sound of a kid learning what happens when you kick a fire ant bed and then stand nearby watching the excitement.

Science is cool. And sometimes itchy

When Screamo and pre-school meet:

(In a very gravelly, deep voice, almost chant-like, and fist-pumping on every other syllable, starting with the first one)

“NOW I KNOW MY A-BCs

NEXT TIME WON’T YOU SING, WITHME

TWINKLE TWINKLE LITTLE STAR

RAAAAUGH I WONDER WHAT TO EAT”

Inside voice, boy, inside voice… and I’m making pasta.

Me: Boy, your room’s a mess. When are you going to clean it up?

Grandboy: Ummm after next week. And then a day.

Grandboy: Ow I pinched myself with this thing.

Me: O no. It looks ok, no blood. Did you learn something from that?

Grandboy: I be careful.

Me: Yep, sometimes you learn stuff when you get hurt. That’s part of life.

Grandboy: What is ‘life’?

Me: ‘Life’ is everything you’re doing and everything around you. Like coloring, eating, hugging mama,

Grandboy: Getting pinched.

Me: Yep, getting pinched. That’s part of life too. Life is (open arms wide) everything.

Grandboy (breaks into the song): Everything is AWESOME…

Yep. Everything is awesome.

Grandboy (coming in from the other room): ..ma! Mama. Mom. Mama! MAMA

Mamasan: Yes?

Grandboy: Mom. Ma. Mama. MAAA

Mamasan: Yes, what?

Grandboy: MAMA

Mamasan: WHAT do you WANT?!?

Grandboy: I can have some water?

Mamasan: Ye..

Grandboy: Or some… chocolate milk? (Blink blink) (the blinky effect made more effective because one eye doesn’t close all the way, so he looks like a drunken mess)

— The boy’s got a career in sales, methinks.

The grandboy said it’s important to wear pajamas when we sleep because we may wake up and forget to change into school clothes and we’ll end up at school in just our underwear and everyone will point and laugh at us hahaha.

This line of thinking comes early on, apparently 🙂

Grandboy: I can have cookie? I’ll ask mom.

Me: No, you got in trouble. You don’t ask for special treats after you get in trouble.

Grandboy: Well, what I do then?

Me: You wait. And don’t go asking mom for a cookie. Please wait til your mom offers you one.

Grandboy: O no, I don’t think that’s a good plan, Gwumpa. (pout)

I’m teaching the grandboy life-savings skills today.

Grandboy (holding something upside-down over his head): Lookit me! Look Gwumpa hey look look at me!)

Me: AAAUGH quick put that down…! Don’t touch that. Don’t even look at it.

Grandboy: What? That’s momma’s purse.

Me: Yep if anything happens or anything is missing you don’t want to be part of that. Put it down to be safe.

Grandboy: No, it’s ok. I be careful (shaking the purse that’s still upside-down over his head)

Me: Boy, you gotta lotta learnin’ to do…

Grandboy: When I was a little baby I used to say (in singsong voice) “Eenie meenie microphone…” but now I know it’s “Eenie meenie make a moat…”

I have been given a “cease and desist” order by mamasan when I told the grandboy that I’d sic Goldilocks’s bears on Santa if I caught him sneaking around my house (it’s bad enough with the 24/7 surveillance routine).

The order was given with THAT LOOK and a comment that she and he would get in trouble at school…

How To Start Teaching Philosophy To The Littleuns

Grandboy (after receiving new information): “Gwumpa, you not LYING to me, are you?”

Me: “Well if I told you I was lying, would you believe me?”

Grandboy: “Yes. Um. No…. Um. Hm. I don’t know, why you say that? Now my head is all crazy.”

(Walking) Me: Here, stay on the inside while we walk, ok? Part of my job is to keep you safe.

Grandboy: Well Gwumpa part of MY job is to keep you on the sidewalk. Hold my hand gwumpa.

We look out for each other like that.

Ok I may be a gwumpa but no, whipped cream sandwiches are definitely NOT on the breakfast menu.

Even I have my limits.

Now whipped cream on OATMEAL, now there’s a meal I can sign off on.  Eat up, boy.

Grandboy: Why the Christmas lights outside shut off in the daytime?

Me: O that’s because of the photoelectric cells. They see the sun is up and flip the switch to cut off the flow of electricity to the lights.

Grandboy: Oooooh. And when it’s darktime the phonolen thing it turns on the lights.

Me: Yep.

Grandboy: But I can PRETEND they turn on and off with MAGIC, right?

Me: Sure! Nothing wrong with pretending about magic. Boom you’re a monkey.

Grandboy: Now I’m hungry Gwumpa. I can have banana now?

Grandboy (eyeballing what’s left of my piece of his birthday cake): Gwumpa I really like that part (pointing at the frosting)… Really I like it a lot (points closer). I like that part of your cake. THAT PART (nearly touching the frosting now)

Me (gently knocking his hand up in the air): Oi boy, you have some of THAT PART on YOUR OWN cake, haha. This one’s mine.

Learning about boundary lines and property rights may save his life someday…

Good golly miss Molly, the grandboy has discovered exercise.

Gwumpa gwumpa how many sit-ups you can do? Come down here do them with me look I can do jumping jacks how many you can do? Twenty? Show me, come on good job gwumpa! Let’s do push-ups now!

Grandboy: Gwumpa, how you get this truck?

Me: I got a job and got paid for doing work, then I paid for the truck.

Grandboy: Everyone needs things.

Me: Yep.

Grandboy: Everyone needs jobs.

Me: Yep if you can work, you should. It makes you stronger and you help people get stuff done. And you get paid to do it.

Grandboy: I need a job now?

Me: No, yes, well kind of. Your job right now is to go to school and do what your momma tells you. Your momma and I will take care of the rest.

Grandboy: Yah! And my other job is to sing songs to make the red light turn green, like this: “Go away, go away, red light go away” SEE IT TURNED GREEN I’M DOING A JOB SEE?!!?!

Grandboy (throwing an empty plastic bowl up in the air): Look gwumpa, i catch it, loo.. (bowl hits the ground)

Me: Keep tryin’

Grandboy (repeating the exercise, and always *almost* catching it)

Me: That’s ok, try different ways. You’ll get it.

Grandboy: (finally) Look I got it!

Me: Ah but catching it on your face doesn’t count. But, actually you’re right. I told you to try different ways. Good job 😀

Grandboy: Ok Gwumpa make sure no one takes my food while I’m gone. Not the DOG, not MOMMA, not anyone. Not even YOU.

Me: Ok.

Grandboy: This is an IMPORTANT JOB Gwumpa you have to do it. O and not bees either. Make sure no BEES take my food. You know what they look like, they’re BLACK and YELLOW and they like my flowers. And my FOOD Gwumpa.

Me: Ok.

Grandboy: The bees, the bees don’t HURT you if you leave them alone. They live outside remember when you and I saw the bees outside and you said not to bother them and they didn’t hurt us? And we saw squirrels too but they were too fast for me but the bees didn’t hurt them either.

Me: Yep. I remember. Where was it you were going again?

Grandboy (slightly dancing still) O that’s right. I have to go potty. Can you watch my food while I’m gone?

Grandboy, carefully pulling apart his Lego masterpieces:  Gwumpa it’s good to take things apart because then you can build them up again, stronger.

Spoken like a future drill sergeant

Grandboy (fussing and walking in from the bathroom): Gwumpaaaaa

Me: Why are you fussing?

Grandboy: I spray momma’s perfume on my face and eye.

Me: Why did you spray perfume? You were supposed to be brushing your teeth.

Grandboy: I WAS brushing my teeth 🙁

Me: No you weren’t. You were spraying your face with perfume. That’s what happens when you aren’t doing what you should be doing.

Grandboy: So if I supposed to be spraying my face, I will really brush my teeth?

Me: Get back in there 🙂

Grandboy: Gwumpa, what is that (on video game)?

Me (looking up): O i don’t know.

Grandboy (frustrated, moves the character about):

Grumpa, what is THAT? (points to the same thing)

Me: I don’t know.

Grandboy: Huh? What do you mean, “I don’t know”?

Me: Means I don’t know…

Grandboy: Why don’t you know, Gwumpa?

Me (not resisting the urge at all): I don’t know

Grandboy: AAAAAGHHHHH

Grandboy, standing at the recycle bin, mortified: GWUMPA!

Me: Yessir?

Grandboy: Why you, why you recycle these things? (Picks up mid-sized cardboard containers and plastic bottles, all rinsed or clean)

Me: So we can reuse them.

Grandboy: No I mean why recycle THESE? I can make SPACE SHIPS from these now! (Takes them from the bin and starts working on them with his kid scissors and tape)

— Oh, my child’s child. It’s good to know the old ways will not die out with us :’)

Grandboy (laying on his back on the kitchen chair): Gwumpa you do this (kicks his legs in the air)

Me: No thank you.

Grandboy: You really should try it Gwumpa (kicks one leg up again)

Me: No thank you I don’t want to be laying on my back on the kitchen chair putting my feet in the air.

Grandboy: It’s relaaaaaxing… (smiles)

Me: I’ll think about it

Grandboy (triumphant): Yay!

Grandboy (playing a game where double-jumping is vital to success): Uhhh Gwumpa help me

Me: You have to keep trying to learn how to get past this area. Jumping is as important as fighting.

Grandboy (falling again): AAAUGH hmmm

Me: Here, let me try

Grandboy: Yah! I can learn from you how to… (watches me fall, takes the controller) No thanks, I already know how to fall, Gwumpa.

Me: Hey don’t walk on the floor. It’s mopped and very slippery.

Grandboy: Look I can walk on the floor (hops) and I can dance on the floor, Gwumpa (spins)

Me: O now look, you can fall on the floor, too. Cool trick.

Grandboy (picking himself up): That’s NOT FUNNY Gwumpa

Me: Then why am I laughing?

Grandboy (playing a game): Oh [bleep]

Me: What? Grandboy: I said, ‘Oh [bleep]”

Me: That’s what I thought I heard. Don’t be saying that.

Grandboy: Oh that’s right Gwumpa. Little kids can’t say [bleep] only grown-ups can say [bleep].

Me: No one should be saying that. Please stop.

Grandboy: Ok I stop saying [bleep]. i won’t say [bleep] any more i promise.

Me: You just said it right now!

— Suddenly I had to turn away because I was reminded of a Monty Python skit that always made me laugh so much…

Grandboy (in his car seat, yawning): Gwumpa why you take me to school in the dark? Momma doesn’t take me to school in the dark.

Me: Ah I have to get to work before momma, so I have to leave earlier.

Grandboy: But why you work? Momma works.

Me: I need to make money and help my friends at work get stuff done.

Grandboy: But why you need money?

Me: I want to help people and take care of things like the house and car and food. Also I need to save money to take care of myself.

Grandboy (shocked, sad): Ohhh gwumpa you can’t take care of yourSELF. You need a helper to fight with you and watch for when bad guys come and protect your stuff.

— Ah the boy gets it. My job is done here.

My Gwumpa Stories will be fewer and farther between after this week… Mamasan and The Grandboy are heading off to different pastures soon.

It was inevitable – mine was just a temporary safehouse in a storm.

And, like all little birds, these are ready to start flying on their own.

But not without a little breath of Gwumpa prayer to accompany God’s wind beneath their wings.

Grandboy: GWUMPAAAA you hugging me too hard. You gonna pop meeee

Me: Ok I’ll hug more softly

Grandboy: And then you’ll have no kid any more

Me: Eeek that won’t be any good.

Grandboy: And then your mom, i mean my momma will be SOOO disappointed you kill me.

Me: Yes, she might even give me a time-out.

Grandboy: YAH. So hug me like THIS (gives me a hug).

Grandboy (waiting for corndogs in the microwave, and frustrated, arms crossed): Hmph. Gwumpa YOU eating cereal and I’M not eating.

Me: Yes, you said you wanted corndogs for breakfast. You have to wait for them to warm up.

Grandboy: But I have to wait. (Stomps foot) That’s not FAIR.

Me: Boy, LIFE ain’t fair. We chose two different things. Not every thing’s the same. Ain’t fair for me either. I don’t get to eat a corn dog.

Grandboy: Yah you don’t get a corndog.

Me: Unless I eat yours.

Grandboy: HEY THAT’S NOT FAIR

Me: Hey I’m cleaning the kitchen now, ok? Don’t get into the supplies please

Grandboy: …

— I think I miss him more than I thought I would :’)

Grandboy (shaking the bars of a gate): Hey Gwumpa let’s pretend we’re the bad guys and have to break our way out…

Me: How bout this? Let’s pretend we’re the good guys and the bad guys trapped us in a cage. They are making us dependent on their federal aid.

Grandboy: YAH Gwumpa we have to call our good guy friends to help us join a team and stop them.

— If the boy’s going to pretend, might as make it head in a practical direction

Took the grandboy to see the Donald Trump biography that’s out in cinemas now.

He thought he was watching The Angry Birds movie. If nothing else, the computer graphics were fantastic

Mamasan (on speakerphone): Dad, what do you think I used for this site’s user ID and password?

Me (chuckling): I don’t know what you would have used… maybe try [email address]?

Grandboy (piping up): GWUMPA wat you mean you don’t know? You know EVERYTHING.

Me (laughing) I don’t know EVERYTHING, [grandboy’s name]…

Grandboy (whispering to mamasan loudly): How he know it’s me talking…?!?!

Me: Cuz I know EVERYTHING, boy

Ah! My monkeys and my circus are back in town for a spell. Will be posting Gwumpa Stories again shortly :p

Grandboy (coming in to cuddle with me on my temporary cot bed**): Wow Gwumpa this sure is smaller than your real bed.

Me (snoozily): Yep.

Grandboy: But it’s very CUTE

Me: Yep. Here I scooted over for you.

Grandboy (climbing over every one of my body parts): There’s no room for momma to cuddle on here.

Me: Nope, just room for us two.

Grandboy: YAH if momma tries to cuddle on here she fall off and BREAK the GROUND

Me: Shhh not too loud boy

** I’ve boxes still on the”real” bed since drywall repair is still underway. Good thing I like camping, haha

Grandboy (to the abbreviated tune of “Footloose”): Fruit Loops, Fruit Loops, everybody want, everybody want, everybody want fruit loops…!

One of these days we’ll have movie night and then the dancing shall begin

Mamasan wishes me the best of luck today… Ice cream, sugary cereal and pudding breakfast for the grandboy.

She’s escaping to work shortly so she’ll miss the fun

Grandboy (shouting excitedly): Gwumpa hey momma’s taking us to the NEWSEUM now!!!

Me: Newseum?

Grandboy: Yah the NEWSEUM where they have dinosaur BONES and all the FOSSILS and all kinda old things

Me: Well then why is it called a NEWseum if it has old things? Shouldn’t it be called an OLDseum instead?

Grandboy (rolling his eyes): GWUMPA that’s just how it’s called, I dunno WHY it’s called like that

Ok, so it’s very important to brush your teeth before licking your loved ones’ faces…

It’s important to teach the grandboy some etiquette

Told the grandboy that if he didn’t behave well on our outing, we’d go eat at Cow-fil-a.

That’s where cows poke little boys with sticks and eat THEM, instead of the other way round. Seems to be working.

Sometimes medieval approaches work moderately well…

Grandboy (quietly giggling and whispering is his raspy voice): hey gwumpa you can’t find me

gwumpa over here can’t find me (giggle)

hey look for me

Me: I can’t find you ‘cuz I ain’t lookin’ for ya.

Grandboy (stands up): GWUMPA

Hehe gotta know how to flush them out of the bushes

Grandboy (looking over my shoulder as I am on my smartphone):Gwumpa wat game you playin?

Me: No game. Look.

Grandboy (nodding sagely): OOOH that’s because you’re OLK and OLK people don’t do fun things. Only little KIDS play games on phones.

Me (still reading): Yep, that’s how it works.

Grandboy: And when I get OLK I will do BORING things too but right now I’m just a kid and I can (starts dancing and spinning)

Me (watches him dance and bounce)

Grandboy (eventually stopping, then looks over at my phone): Gwumpa wat game you playin?

Shhhh… Short Attention Span Theatre in progress

Me: Hey where’s my hug? I didn’t get one

Grandboy (backing away): Gwumpa no you got weak soldiers in you I’ll be weak if they come over and I can’t fight when the bad guys come in the house.

Me: Yep you’re right, I’m still weak

Grandboy: Mama got strong soldiers she protect us when you get weak.

Castle Doctrine student in training here.

Me: Hey you know why this (points to a picture) is called a dinosaur?

Grandboy: Why Gwumpa?

Me: ‘Cuz they’re dead. See? DIEnosaur.

Grandboy: Yah! They DIEnosaurs

Me: And if they were still alive they’d be LIVEasaurs

Grandboy: NO STAAAP

Grandboy (shuffling in at daybreak): Gwumpa time to wake up

Me: Still dark, boy

Grandboy (lifting the blinds a little): I see sunlight out there

Me: No sunlight in here. Come cuddle

Grandboy (climbing all over me): When’s the sun waking up all the way Gwumpa?

Me: Tomorrow

Grandboy (shocked): No Gwumpa. Sun wakes up every day. So do you. Come on wake up

And so starts another day in Gwumpa Boot camp, haha

[I walk into the room, where mamasan is making dramatic, slow-motion sweeping movements as she walks towards the kitchen table]

Me (thinking): Sure, why not? [I start moving in slow motion with overly-exaggerated movements]

Grandboy: Gwumpa we’re SLOTHS! We all SLOTHS in HERE

Me (speaking in low, drawn-out speech): OOOOkayyyy O nooooo I’mmmm falllll [pretends to fall in slow motion]

Calvin and Hobbes never had it so good

Grandboy (shuffling into the dimly-lit room): Gwumpa it’s time to get up

Me: Still dark boy

Grandboy (sighs): Gwumpa are we gonna have a DISCUSSION about this?

Me: Yep let’s discuss this. Come cuddle while we discuss.

New Chapter starts in our Gwumpa Stories.

Featured are Moving Tape, Boxes, and Some Driving Hours

Also starring Some Tears and Many Hugs

Go young Mamasan. Give that boy a life deserving of his awesomeness.

Give him Big Dreams, but equally importantly, the Big Knowledge of how to make those dreams a reality.

This is an awesome article.

This is also why the Grandboy and Mamasan will never be named in my posts.

cwell.blogs.nytimes.com/2016/07/29/why-i-decided-to-stop-writing-about-my-children

Grandboy experienced his first taste of being bullied yesterday on the bus.

Mamasan’s first reactions as she wiped his tears when he got off the vehicle were 1) climb onto the bus and rattle the bully’s cage (literally) and 2) drive the grandboy to school and back until she lands her full-time day job.

Well, #1 didn’t happen only because the bus driver sagely took off before Angry Mama Tigress launched herself into the fray.

I don’t think #2 will happen because I gave her some experience (not advice) of my own. The boy needs to learn how to deal with bullies straight away. He may not want to face the older boy but he needs to do so, on his own two feet, eventually.

He’s ok altering his own behaviour – maybe sitting elsewhere and choosing a group of kids who are less troublesome – but he ultimately needs to learn not to blink or back down if he’s done nothing wrong.

Mostly he needs to learn, early on, that invoking the wrath of mamasan is a carefully-calculated event, almost a nuclear option actually.  I’ve seen her in action, first-hand, and I almost feel sorry for anyone who pulls that lever. The key word here being “almost”…

Hi Mom, Dad, guess what a certain grandboy told his mamasan about not wanting to go to school?

“But mom, I don’t NEED to go to school. I already know how to read words and how to count.”

Sound familiar? Hehe. She’s in for a fun ride 🙂

Grandboy (Exasperated, looking out the window): Gwumpa why is the sun not up?

Me: Dunno

Grandboy: It’s 6:02. 6:02 gwumpa. (Looks out the window again) Sun is STILL not up. You said I can climb up in the attic in the morning. It’s morning. And chocolate ice cream for breakfast. I’m hungry can I eat my ice cream in the attic now?

O boy mamasan’s gonna get me for this one

Mamasan and grandboy went to a public outing downtown to participate with the hundreds of other parents and children taking part in Halloween festivities.

Unfortunately, amongst the swarm of zombie, slasher and fake-blood-stained children’s outfits, his outfit was met with other children shouting at him and parents who questioned mamasan’s judgement.

Not everyone there was in “horror theme” mode but those were the ones who’d react negatively to his choice.

So what was this terrible outfit that would make even the most killer of clowns recoil?

He dressed up as a police officer.

Being five years old, he has no clue about social media videos and posts, the reports of controversy on both sides of the thin blue line. The idea of corruption in the police force is as weird to him as rocks that float on water.

All he knows is 1) people choose to do bad things to others and 2) some people stop those folks and warn them or take them away to stop them from harming others.

He admires that ability, and to him, these are real-life superheroes. After all, isn’t that the essence of a superhero? Stop the bad guy and save others?

Mamasan didn’t think about the potential for conflict either. She simply wanted to encourage his love for what is true and honest and helpful.

All went well in the end. Litteun had no clue that there was an undertone to the “stop don’t shoot! my hands are in the air” catcalls and simply played along with them. Mamasan focused on the boy’s joy, and not on the stinkeye stares and comments by other “offended” parents.

She was keenly aware, however, that her son was in the distinct minority in that there were no other support-role outfits to be seen. No soldiers, doctors, firefighters, police officers, etc. I told her to keep on fighting the good fight. We can’t save the world on our own, but we can change the life of those who interact with us. Perhaps if each of us works our little garden patch well, we’ll start seeing these support roles becoming en vogue again.

Me (singing, loudly): I LIKE TO SING. I LIKE TO SING AT SCHOOOOOL

Grandboy: Gwumpa. We DON’T sing at school

Me: WHAT? You should always sing at school

Grandboy: No gwumpa. No singing at school.

Me: Well that’s too bad. Singing at school is a good thing.

Grandboy (later, drawing on paper, and singing to himself): i like to sing… i like to sing at schoooool

Grandboy (playing Minecraft, with his character dressed as a fairy): I can make dreams come true!

Me: But what if they are BAD dreams?

—

I got THE LOOK. Why do I always get THE LOOK?

Grandboy has been creating LISTS of THINGS he does during the day. He asks me how to spell the words and then jots them down on his handy dandy NOTEBOOK…

—

Grandboy: Gwumpa ok then what do we do after making COFFEE in the morning?

Me: Take a NAP.

Grandboy: Gwumpa you already said that. You say “take NAPS” too much.

Me: Oh ok. What should we do then?

Grandboy: OH I know! We can go in the ATTIC! How you spell ‘attic’ grumpa?

Me: A..

Grandboy (light comes on over his head): WAIT i know! I wrote that down yesterday, look! (flips thru NOTEBOOK) Look here’s ATTIC you don’t have to tell me how to spell it 🙂

—

Learning is a good thing

Grandboy: My teacher looks like you

Mamasan: Really? Do you like her?

Grandboy: Yes, I like her better (than another teacher) because she teaches better.

—

Wise lad, picking up diplomacy tip #7 already: Establish a connection between two people and compliment one of them…

Grandboy (pretending to carry a briefcase): Bye mom, I’m going to work now.

Mamasan: Bye! Bring home the bacon.

Grandboy (confused): No mom, I’m not going to the STORE. I’m going to WORK.

Mamasan: O that’s what you say when someone goes to work. “Bring home the bacon”.

Grandboy: OOH I get it. I make money, buy the bacon and bring it home.

Mamasan: Yep.

Grandboy: And YOU cook it for me.

Mamasan: WHAT.

Mamasan (to me): Did YOU teach him that?

—

Hey I’m the one who taught him not to poke in a lady’s purse. I ain’t gonna be teaching him something as dangerous as THAT, knowing his momma…

Manasan (driving in rush-hour traffic): Boy, we’re lost. The phone’s dead. The car phone charger isn’t working. I don’t recognise this part of town. I have to pee.

Grandboy: Ok I’ll behave. (they drive, continue to get lost, and start talking about what it would be like to spend the night sleeping in the car)

Grandboy: O! have an idea.

Mamasan: What is it?

Grandboy: Let’s PRAY. We’ll pray for God to help us get home.

Mamasan: Ok

Grandboy: Dear GOD, help us. We just want to go home. Momma’s tired and she has to pee. I don’t want to sleep in the car tonight. Amen (they drive over a hill)

Mamasan: What.

Grandboy: What IS it momma?

Manasan I recognise this street. There. See? I KNOW THIS PLACE!

Grandboy: Yay! We can pee now!

Mamasan: Not yet, but we’re almost home.

—

It’s like that sometimes. We struggle, we get lost a little, we ask for help from a higher power. And sometimes, sometimes, the little miracles help us find our way back home.

Grandboy (with silent stealthy moves, deftly and powerfully leaps onto the sleeping form of his gwumpa in the morning): …

Me (with equally stealthy moves, deftly and powerfully flips the oncoming bundle of unknown off onto the floor): …

Grandboy stops pretending to be a ninja so he can pretend to be a police siren for a spell.

Grandboy: Gwumpa, you’re not going to die for a looooong time, right, gwumpa?

Me: I don’t know that.

Grandboy: What? You don’t know you’ll live a long time?

Me: Nope. I might live a looooong time, I might live a short time. I might die this afternoon. You never know when you’ll die.

Grandboy: Wow you don’t know when you’ll die.

Me: Nope. But I do know something.

Grandboy: What’s that gwumpa?

Me: I know I can hug you right now. I know I can do good things for people today. I know you love me.

Grandboy (hugs me): Yah I know that too

—

Disney doesn’t hold the market on tear-jerker moments.

Mamasan asked the grandboy What his superpowers would be… this is the answer

Me: …so what about Sharknados?

Grandboy: GWUMPA you making me think about stuff that’s NOT REAL!

Me: O like Santa Claus?

Grandboy: You ruining it for me Gwumpa. I know he’s not real but I pretend he’s real. Not like sharknados.

Me: Maybe Santa rides on sharknados

Grandboy: [the LOOK]

Grandboy says hurricanes live in the water and make swirlpools. He has no comment about sharknados

Me: …but what about apple?

Grandboy: No gwumpa, “apple” isn’t a color

Me: Why not?

Grandboy: Because you EAT apples

Me: But you can eat oranges and that’s a color too. So why can’t you eat apples and have a color “apple” too?

Grandboy: Because that’s for a REASON and I don’t know it yet

Me: Here, have a yellow (i hand him a banana)

Grandboy is officially taken off games committee. His games involve lava pits for the losers. The winners get to play more, even if they want to quit playing

Grandboy: Gwumpa hey I like your ‘vention. Does it shoot lasers? Like a BLUE laser or a RED laser?

Me: Nope, no lasers.

Grandboy: How ’bout bullets?

Me: Nope, it doesn’t shoot bullets.

Grandboy: Well then what DOES it shoot?

Me: Rabbits and squirrels and deer. Maybe bears if they come round. Bullets are too small and too fast to hit when they are moving.

Grandboy: Really, gwumpa, REALLY? You gonna tell me that?

Grandson: Hey look gwumpa I made an Ender Portal (jumps inside)

Me: …

Young mamasans, when you’re in the checkout lane at the store, your kid is fussing and you notice the old fella behind you softly smiling…

He’s not really hearing the godawful racket in front, he’s remembering the tiny shoes leaving dust in the past.

Grandboy (playing battle Minecraft): Augh I died

Me: Hey but you’re getting better!

Grandboy: Of course I am

—

Humility is his best trait

And me without any red or 2s. This kid is killin meh

Grandboy: Gwumpa look, it’s lightning there

Me: Yep. What about the darkning?

Grandboy: The darkning? What’s the darkning?

Me: The opposite of lightning. It takes light out of the sky and removes noise from the air.

Grandboy: What?! That’s only make believe.

Me: Yes. I’ve never seen darkning.

Grandboy: You know what ELSE I never seen? A WHIRLPOOL. A GIANT WHIRLPOOL.

Me: Well, then maybe it’s make believe.

Grandboy: No, no gwumpa that’s REAL. I saw it on Minecraft.

Me: Hey boy, come pick up these Legos.

Grandboy: UUUGH gwumpa I’m going to play with them LATERRRrrrrr…

Me: I almost stepped on one NOW. Please come pick them up.

Grandboy: Ok fine i pick them up. (starts cleaning) You know, you should be CAREFUL when you walk, or you gonna [exclaims] AAAAGH i STEPPED on a LEGO

Dog: …

Grandboy Stop laughing, Elvis. Not funny.

—-

It’s never to early to learn how to irony

Me: [cleaning]

Grandboy: Gwumpa i’m driving my car to your shop. You can fix it for me?

Me: I can’t sorry, I’m cleaning things right now.

Grandboy: it’s PRETEND

Me: [looking over at pretend car] Sorry, I can’t play pretend. i need to get this stuff cleaned up before the working man comes here.

Grandboy: No gwumpa, PRETEND you’re playing with me.

Me: Ummmm, ok. I’m PRETENDING to play with you while i clean up the house.

Grandboy: Yay! That’s good gwumpa, good job

Grandboy (having just lost an online game): Well, that’s not fair but life isn’t fair, right gwumpa?

Me: Yep. Keep practicing. You’re learning stuff.

Grandboy got in trouble when he and another boy were punching each other in the cafeteria. The story, as relayed by mamasan:

Other boy: Hey look, is that your mom over there?

Grandboy: [looks “over there”]

Other boy: [suckerpunch to the gut]

Grandboy: [retaliatory strike]

[punching continues for a bit, no one is hurt, but phone calls had to be made]

Actually I take responsibility for this. I’ve always told the grandboy to never be afraid of monsters, but to stand strong and take them down if needed. He’s definitively on my zombpacolypse team

Grandboy: Momma what does that man’s sign say?

Mamasan: It says he’s hungry and he’s looking for money for food 🙁

Grandboy: (silent)

Mamasan: (wondering what’s happening, looks back)

Grandboy: (window rolled down, shouting): Here! Here! You can have my sandwich!

Homeless man (looking down at the outstretched hand welding a soggy, mostly-eaten bit of breakfast): Why THANK you. Thank you so much.

Grandboy: Momma! Just like you said! The time was right to give something! He heard me and I had something… Thank you momma

That little morsel of bread wouldn’t sustain the man for long. But maybe the message is food for his soul.

You go mamasan, keep teaching the boy to be the change he wants to see in the world.

Grandboy (with his walking stick in hand, and the stick trailing behind him: Hmm hm hmm hmm hmmmmm

Mamasan: Hey you’d better get your stick off the ground

Grandboy: Mom it’s not a stick, it’s a DRAGON (Winks to me)

Mamasan: What? O. A dragging stick. It’s a-draggin. A dragon. So funny.

What can I say? He’s a good student.

Me: Hey come on in and see something cool

Grandboy: Is it a new GAME?

Me: Nope

Grandboy: Is it a new PUPPY?

Me: Nope

Grandboy: I know it’s a BASEBALL BAT!

Me: Nope

Grandboy (exasperated): Auuugh gwumpa what is it?!?

Me: It’s a new refrigerator

Grandboy: That’s not cool…

Me: Are you kidding? What’s cooler than a refrigerator?!?!? Get it a refrigerator is cool

Grandboy: Joke’s not cool, gwumpa

Grandboy: Hey gwumpa I see you changed your gamertag picture. Show me how to change mine please.

Me: Sure (shows him how)

Grandboy: Oh WOW! THESE ARE COOL PICTURES TO CHOOSE FROM

Me: Yep, pic any one you want

Grandboy: So, why you not choose a cool one for yours?

Me: …

— Schooled by a six year old. Wow that happened too soon

The grandboy surprised his mamasan and me, and gave us a breathtaking glimpse into his world today.

After school, he asked his momma to take him to a cemetery. He knows as much as any well-informed six year old does about death, having had pets and family members around him who have no problem discussing life, death, and everything beyond.

The two of them spent about two hours visiting tombstone after tombstone. He spent a bit of time and care straightening fallen flowers, flags, etc. He stopped at over 30 headstones, asking his momma to read the names of each person. Then he prayed for the people by name, thanking them for their time and life they led here on earth.

When asked why he was tidying up the fallen flowers, flags, and praying, he simply said, “this is why I’m here.” His usual curious, wiggly, energetic self was replaced by a focused, serious side that knew exactly what he was doing.

This was a message and teaching not given by us – and to our knowledge, not passed on by anyone from school, tv, sermons, etc. It was simply a level of pure communication between a timeless soul and a force greater than that soul.

I wasn’t there, but I could only imagine it was almost too powerful to gaze upon.

Grandboy​: Can I have pizza?

Me: A piece of? A piece of what?

Grandboy (waves his arms menacingly): A piece of ME

— Oy he’s going to be a punny little handful

I told the grandboy that large objects (like planets) like to grab small objects (like little boys) and keep them close. That’s known as “grabbity”.

I expect a stern talking-to by mamasan soon.

Grandboy is visiting, playing Minecraft and is creating a giant toilet with underground cast iron plumbing.

Why? Because, well I don’t know why, I just can’t come up with a good reason why not…

and then he made a lighthouse, with lights that turn on only at night

Grandboy, interrupting me during prayers: What? God’s YOUR dad? He makes stars and fish and stuff.

Me: Well I have a dad here on Earth and a dad who is in heaven​ – God. And you do too.

Grandboy (makes a face): My dad is bad. He breaks the law. I don’t like him.

Me (gently): Listen. Yes. He did do that. But God still loves him anyway. I pray your dad gets better and learns to do good things.

Grandboy: God loves him even if he’s bad?

Me: Yes. He might not like what he does, but he still loves him. Just like I may not always like what you do, but I always love you.

Grandboy (folds hands): God, please help my dad be good so he can do good things like me. Okay, God? You can do it. Amen.

— We could all use a prayer warrior like that in our corner 🙂

Here is the grandboy’s contribution to a school project.

From mamasan: “when asked what a dream of his is, he said “to be flexible with work” hahaha he said he “wants to be able to take days off of work” when he gets older”

I pray he achieves his dream. We work to support our families. If he can keep his focus on his family, then this is a dream achieved.

I can tell the grandboy has been studying his minecraftery using online videos…

Me: Hey you should put a lever (American pronunciation) on the block over there.

Grandboy: Gwumpa you mean LEVER (British pronunciation), don’t you?

— Next he’ll be asking for sweetcorn topping on his pizza

Mamasan asked the grandboy what he’d wish for if he had three wishes.  Knowing his imagination, she was prepared for almost anything.

She was rather surprised by his response, even after she said he had an infinite scope here.

He wanted:

1. Enough water to last his lifetime
2. Enough food to last his lifetime
3. A steady and reliable job to pay for his needs.

Sounds unimaginative, but in the real world, if you have this, you can do more than you think you can!

Kudos to the both of them

Mamasan (trying to hold a phone conversation)

Grandboy (won’t stop making noise)

Mamasan (frustrated): ENOUGH!

Grandboy: Hi, yes?

Mamasan (to the person on the phone): Hold on. (To grandboy): What is it?

Grandboy: I am Enough. Nice to meet you. I’m Enough. You said Enough, so here is Enough (puts clean pair of underwear on his head like a cap) reporting for duty!

Mamasan: I blame your grandfather

Mamasan phoned me, a little upset and disappointed.

She plans to take the grandboy to an interactive display where the visitors get a glimpse of true poverty.The experience is nowhere near as immersive as actually being in true poverty, but it is as close as a young American mamasan and her boy will get any time soon. At least I pray this is the case.

Her peers in the area haven’t heard of it, and their responses are what is upsetting to young mamasan.

They range from, “Are you sure this is appropriate for your son?” to, “Are you sure he’s going to have fun at this thing?”

Her response is heart-warming to me and give me hope for those of her generation: “H**l yes it’s ENTIRELY appropriate, and this is something he and I NEED to understand.”

Even as young parents, mamasan’s mother and I were pressured into the “but is it FUN?” mindset for kids’ events we chose to take the children to.

We parents aren’t in the business of making sure the kids have “FUN” all the time. Sometimes life’s most important lessons aren’t “FUN” but are needed, nonetheless.

Keep educating, young mamasan. Our kids’ kids should value others’ needs far above their own entertainment.

If you’re a parent with a child over the age of six, this is a good broadcast.

If you ARE a child over the age of six, this is an even better broadcast.

https://www.heartlightministries.org/2017/05/adult-child-still-immature

Grandboy (honking a bicycle horn repeatedly in the house): GWUMPA STOP (HONK) ME I CAN’T STOP (HONK) HONKING THIS (HONK) HORN!!!

Me: You can stop yourself.

Grandboy: NO I (HONK) CAN’T YOU HAVE (HONK) TO STOP ME

Me: Nope. You have to figure it out on your own. Someday I won’t be here to stop you from honking that horn and it’ll be too late for you to learn.

Grandboy: GWUMPA

Me: Figure it out. (Later)

Grandboy: I did it Gwumpa. I’m not honking the horn any more!

Me (takes the horn) (HONK)

Grandboy: GWUMPA

Grandboy: Mama, do you know why these (points) are called ‘stairs’?

Mamasan: No, why?

Grandboy: Because you STAIR at them

Mamasan: …

Grandboy: Haha

Mamasan: … Grandboy: 😀

Mamasan: WHERE do you get these from?

Grandboy: Gwumpa

Yay! My legacy shall live on

Grandboy has spiced up our Candy Land game by introducing Alligators.

Each has a unique number that indicates how many spaces back we go when we land on one and it bites us

Grandboy: Pointing is rude. Gwumpa, doing THIS (points his finger in my face) is bad.

Me: Yes, it is. How did you learn that?

Grandboy: At school. If you point like this (points to the wall, now that I’ve redirected his arm) and say, “Na na na na na” (wiggling his head) then you’ll be a BULLY. And that’s RUDE.

Me: Yep. (We nibble on our chocolate brownies)

Me: So what if the WHOLE CLASS was doing that to someone? Would you do it?

Grandboy: NO. That’s being a bully.

Me: And what if your best friend at school was doing it with them? Would you do it then?

Grandboy (exasperated): BAAAAH! NO GWUMPA. Still bad.

Me: You’d probably talk to your friend to tell him to stop.

Grandboy: Yep to tell him to STOP being BAD and to be a good friend.

(More chocolate brownies are nommed)

Me: So what if the whole class was doing that to a bully?

(pause and think)

Grandboy: Yah, that’s ok.

Me: Why? Then YOU’D be like the bully.

Grandboy: To make the bully STOP. So he knows how it FEELS.

Me: True. He needs to know it hurts to be teased. But maybe also you could TALK to the bully, like you would your friend. You never know, that may make a difference.

Grandboy: Yah. I like that, Gwumpa. I’ll talk to him.

As the twig is bent, so is the tree inclined

I sit next to my boss. I spend a lot of time with my grandson. Sometimes these worlds collide.

Grandboy: (Looking at a toy on a game he’s playing) Hey that’s a Pokemon.

Me: A POKEMON?!?! How do you know what a Pokemon is?

Grandboy: Gwumpa. I know what a Pokemon is. I’ve seen Pokemon Go.

Me: Oh. Where did they go?

Grandboy: (shrugs his shoulders) Everywhere. Like a disaster, gwumpa

This passes for modern conversations, haha

Grandboy: Gwumpa I have a loose tooth. LOOK

Me: I see. (looks)

Grandboy: The tooth fairy, she’s gonna come and take the tooth when it comes out and put it in the WALL of the TOOTH CASTLE she lives in.

Me: After it comes out and not before? Maybe she needs more material sooner than later.

Grandboy: NO GWUMPA, she’s not like that.

Me: O then maybe she’ll give you candy and stuff to make your teeth fall out faster.

Grandboy: NO GWUMPA, she only likes nice clean teeth. That’s why I brush, so she can have nice WALLS on her CASTLE.

Me: And so you don’t have crabby scrabbly mouth, too.

Grandboy: Yah like this (breathes in my face)

Me: Oi boy, enough of that dragon breath. You know, teeth are kind of like old and young men. The young ones get all excited and push the old ones out. But the old ones have to be there first to make way and set up the path for the next ones. (I’m using my hands to help explain tooth movement here)

Grandboy: O wow that’s cool.

Me: Hey think of all the things that tooth has done with you all these years.

Grandboy: O yah, like the time of the FLOOD in the house.

Me: Yep, he was there with you then.

Grandboy: And when we

(we spend about 20 mins reliving memories)

Grandboy: …but you know what Gwumpa? When my tooth goes to the castle, he won’t be lonely. He’ll have the other TWO TEETH that have already gone ahead.

Me: Won’t they be busy holding up the castle wall?

Grandboy: It’s ok, they can take a break. The tooth fairy said it’s ok because they can show him what to do.

Early morning pre-breakfast chats can be good

Grandboy: Good morning gwumpa, momma said I could go get kolaches in the morning.

Me: She DID? (yawn) Well get me some too while you’re there.

Grandboy: GWUMPA. No jokes in the morning. It’s too early. Maybe at 3 this afternoon. Or 3:30.

Watching the grandboy play online games is a fascinating anthropological treasure trove.

He plays two games online, Battle Minecraft and multiple variants of the “tycoon” games on Roblox.  Both have elements of battle and cooperation.

Since I don’t allow headsets or text chat when he plays, he is limited to character behaviour when interacting with others. So he’s learned that jumping up and down repeatedly means “I’m happy with you (or your decision)” and mimicking another’s action generally indicates a desire to form an alliance.

Deciding whether or not to sheath a weapon when approaching someone is very very important as he’s already learned. This is very important because in a given session, it’s vital to identify friend or foe in the first few minutes to avoid being mowed down in the ensuing fray.

In the “tycoon” games, he can play online as long as he wishes in a session, but when the session ends, he loses all items he’s gathered. Kind of like us in real life, hehe. When in a session, anyone can attack anyone else for just the joy of it. Or one can choose to create things and ignore the bullies who pick on newbies who haven’t yet built up defense. Or one can help defend a newbie’s fledgling castle by fighting off attackers, with the hope that the other will help defend one’s place later.

Also like in real life.

All this with only pantomime gestures and observed actions on the behalf of other players. Completely fascinating.

Naturally I encourage the grandboy to go for the “peace and defend” approach, but he does get frustrated by those who don’t “play fair”… and the temptation to treat other newbies equally unfairly is a beast that must be tamed.

Valuable lessons here.

He’s still grasping the concept that there are live people on the other side of the characters he’s interacting with. He’s going to be dealing with this concept for the rest of his life, so I’m thankful to be a guide in this wilderness!

Thought I’d share this one. It’s a fav around here.

• 1/2 cup oatmeal.  Don’t need the fancy stuff but if you have it, ok sure.
• 1/4 cup Grape Nuts. This won’t work without the actual stuff, so plan for it.
• 1 tablespoon brown sugar. No, the white sugar won’t work, so if you plan to shortcut this, you’ll be sad.
• 1/2 tablespoon vanilla extract. It does magic with the brown sugar. I don’t know how or why.
• Sprinkling of cinnamon. Don’t be silly and inhale it, it’s for the oatmeal.
• 1 cup boiled water.  Use a tea kettle for fastest results. They cost like 15 bucks at a general goods store, and are so useful for a number of things. Microwave will do, but a tea kettle is faster and you won’t burn your hand like you will trying to get that glass of boiling water from the microwave.
• Speaking of microwaves, please don’t put cold water in the oatmeal mix and stuff the bowl in the microwave. That breaks the magic. I don’t know why. I’ve tried it.
• Finely chopped apples are optional but advised. You’ll end up with oatmeal that tastes like warm apple pie.  Seriously.

Pour the boiling kettle water in the oatmeal mix, stir and wait.

Grandkids love this stuff. So do I.

Mamasan (at the store): Hey I’m picking out the game we’ll buy.  I don’t want you to be bored.

Grandboy (smirks): I gettttttt it.

Mamasan: Huh?

Grandboy: You don’t want me to be BORED of the BOARD game.  Ha!  Good one ma.

Mamasan: Hmph.  This is because of your grandpa, isn’t it?

Grandboy: Yep

Grandboy (at a koi fish pond slowly waving his arms): Come on, everybody! Gather round, gather round…
Mamasan (emulating him): Hey they aren’t coming to me.
Grandboy (stopping and backing away): That’s because they know I’m the Pokemon trainer. Try now.
Mamasan: Still no. They’re even hiding now.
Grandboy: You have to be PAAAATIENT mama. Put your arms out like you’re hugging them and gathering them up for a hug. Like this. (Moves foward, moves arms in scooping motion) GATHER ROUND PEOPLE Fish (swarm to the grandboy)
—
He may be useful as the hunter during our zompocalypse efforts

Grandboy: O man why my pizza keep falling off my plate?
Me: Because you keep dropping it.
Grandboy: That means I need a bigger plate.
Me: Nice try, boy. Just be more careful 🙂
Grandboy (making a face, sticks out his tongue): Uh there’s pizza in my hair.
Me: How’d you get pizza in your hair?
Grandboy: NO I MEAN HAIR IN MY PIZZA
Me: So you’re having a hard time aren’t you?
Grandboy: I shouldn’t eat things off the floor.
—-
And so lessons are learned

Grandboy (takes off shirt)
Me: Boy, put that shirt on.
Grandboy (hangs shirt on doorknob)
Me: What are you doing?
Grandboy: Gwumpa you said to put the shirt ON. You didn’t say WHAT to PUT IT ON.
—-
Can’t argue against that logic. But the shirt went back on his body eventually. Right side out and not backwards. Eventually.

Grandboy (making a sustained screeching sound)
Me: OI HEY OI STOP THAT
Grandboy: I can’t help it Gwumpa
Me: How ’bout, instead of screaming, you sing something. I’d like that better. So would everyone else.
Grandboy: Ok Gwumpa
(later)
Grandboy (singing, screechily) HELLO! IS IT ME YOU’RE LOOKING FOR…?
—-
Screamo Lionel Richie. Awesome.

Grandboy: I’m the king of this land Me: Ah I see. How do you treat your people?
Grandboy: I am STRONG. If they don’t do what I say I lock them UP. Maybe forever. And punish them.
Me: That sounds like a bad king. I’ll have to stop you if you start doing that.
Grandboy: How you going to stop me, gwumpa? I have a million armies, no, a BILLION armies and you have just…
Me (looks at him and raises an eyebrow)
Grandboy: Or I can just FIRE them. (points to an invisible peasant) You’re FIRED!
—-
The best battle is won before a shot takes place.

Grandboy: Too quiet in here. I can’t eat.
Me: Quiet is good. You can hear your enemies come when it’s quiet.
Grandboy: (through muffled bites of pancake): Who’s our enemy, gwumpa?
Me: Zombies. And people who would hurt us. (Opens the blinds) But looks like no zombies today.
Grandboy: Zombies aren’t real, are they gwumpa?
Me: Nah. Just pretend.
Grandboy (looks outside): I’ll be back. It’s nice outside.
Me: Ok. Listen for things. You might even hear birds out there.
Grandboy: Birds aren’t our enemy, are they gwumpa?
Me: Nah.
Grandboy: Ok gwumpa.
Me: Unless they are zombies.
Grandboy: GWUMPA

Grandboy: You’d never lie, would you, gwumpa?
Me: What if I told you I ALWAYS lied? Would you believe me then?
Grandboy: Of course I would!
Me: But then you’d have to believe I’m lying.
Grandboy: …yea… (wheels start moving)
Me: But if I always lied, you couldn’t believe what I said, which was actually the truth.
Grandboy: Just DON’T LIE GWUMPA, DON’T DO IT. IT HURTS MY BRAIN

Grandboy (spots something outside the back truck window): Hey gwumpa there’s a snail holding onto your window.
Me (looks back): Ayep, sure is.
Grandboy: He sure likes it back there.
Me (driving): Ayep.
Grandboy: Because you’re a safe driver. Huh, gwumpa? He feels SAFE with you driving us around.
Me: …
Grandboy: Sooo… what if your WHOLE BACK WINDOW was covered with SNAILS gwumpa?
Me (thinking, “ewwwww”): The whole back window?
Grandboy: Yah! That means his whole family wanted to ride and he said it’s ok because you’re a SAFE DRIVER.
—-
Just goes to show you that one man’s slimy vehicle is another creature’s safe haven :p

Me: O look. The leaves are falling because it’s FALL.
Grandboy: Autumn gwumpa. AUTUMN
Me: What are them Yankees learnin’ yew in thet thar school o’yers, youngun?

Grandboy (reading a name): Maaarrco. Is that a boy or girl name?
Me: That’s a boy’s name. Usually names that end in ‘o’ are boys’ names. Names that end with ‘a’ are usually for girls. Like ‘Maria’ and ‘Sophia’ and
Grandboy: …and ‘Noah’

Grandboy (playing a video game): Look, my guy is in a lighthouse.

Me: That’s pretty cool, having a house you can pick up.

Grandboy: Huh?

Me: Because your house is very light. It’s a LIGHT house.

Grandboy: O no grandpa, it’s a house that MAKES light. It’s too heavy to carry. Except for the Hulk, he can pick it up. He can pick up ANYthing.

Me: I bet he can’t pick up GRAVITY

Grandboy: O YES HE CAN. He can pick up THE UNIVERSE

Me: Well, if he’s picking up the universe, what’s he standing on? He has to stand on SOMETHING to pick up everything else.

Grandboy: He just CAN, alright, gwumpa?

Me: Ok fair nuff.

Me (waiting a few mins): So how heavy is light? Can the Hulk pick that up?

Grandboy: Yes he- o wait, no cuz it doesn’t WEIGH anything. You can’t carry it around.

Me (waiting a few mins more): So if light doesn’t weigh anything, how fast can it go? It has to travel because if you’re in a dark room and switch on the light, it moves from the light bulb to your eyes.

Grandboy: Hm maybe BILLIONS and BILLIONS. It’s the fastest thing in the WORLD. That’s why the Flash has LIGHTNING on his costume.

—

Ok that’s general relativity framed up, on to quantum mechanics… just have to make sure he’s learning real science and not comic book physics 😛

Grandboy: Gwumpa look I’m on the roof.

Me: Yes, I see. We both are.

Grandboy (walking towards the edge): I won’t DIE if I fall off, will I, Gwumpa?

Me: You might.

Grandboy: What?!? You LET me on the ROOF if I might DIE!!!

Me: Yep.

Grandboy: Now I’m scared.

Me: Don’t be scared. Be careful. Learn the difference and you’ll be ok.

(Later, on the way down the ladder)

Grandboy: Gwumpa sing an encouraging song so I can be careful coming down.

Me (in a deep baritone): DON’T fall DOWN. If you FALL you will DIE. DON’T slip your FOOT… you will TUMBLE DOWN and FALL

Grandboy: GWUMPA. That’s NOT ENCOURAGING.

Me: Yah it is. It’s encouraging you not to slip and fall off the ladder. See? You’re on the ground already.

Grandboy: AWESOME I’M GOING IN THE HOUSE TO CALL MOM AND TELL HER I WAS ON THE ROOF

Me: Good thing I got clearance ahead of time…

Grandboy: Ha hey gwumpa wasn’t it funny when I threw up out of my nose just now? (He’s been battling a cold for a while now)

Me: Um yep, that was funny (smile)

Grandboy: Sometimes you just have to laugh at yourself, huh Gwumpa?

Me: Yep sometimes that’s all you can do.

Grandboy: Well that’s done, now I’m going to mop floors for Extra Credit. I’ll get credit, right?

—-

I’ll take all the good attitude he can toss my way!

Grandboy: WAAAAAGHWAAAAAGHWAAAAAYWUUGUGHUA

Me: !

Grandboy: I BET YOU NEVER THOUGHT I COULD MAKE THAT NOISE DID YOU GWUMPA!?!!!?

Me (dons headphones without plugging them into anything): Ah somehow I suspected you were capable of it. Oi and stop practicing it. No, really.

Me: What does a milkman bring?

Grandboy: Milk

Me: What does a mailman bring?

Grandboy: Mail

Me: What does a fireman bring?

Grandboy: Um

Grandboy: Fire supplies!

Me: What kind of supplies?

Grandboy: Um. Hmm. Ah! Water!

Me: So we should call him a ‘waterman’.

Grandboy: Yes! We’ll call the waterman in case of fire, because the fireman will bring fire and burn down the house!

—-

I’ll save the discussion about ‘garbageman’ for another day

Grandboy (carefully arranges pizza slices and brownies on a plate)

Me: …

Grandboy (presents the plate to me, and speaks in his best Butler voice): Hullo, suh… Care for some pizza and a whiff of brandy, my good suh?

Me: Indubitably

Me (purposely singing loudly and off-key, and in odd registers)

Grandboy: WOW GWUMPA I love your singing!

Me (more bellowing)

Grandboy (holding up a toy person): But she HATES the singing. Not me though. I LOVE the singing!

(Watching nature show)

Grandboy: Gwumpa that wolf is going to kill that baby deer.

Me: Ayep

Grandboy: Go baby deer go

Me: O no now the cute baby wolf cub will die. It hasn’t eaten in weeks and needs food.

Grandboy: Oh

Me: No wait, the wolf is catching up! Go Wolfie go

Grandboy: Ah and now the baby wolf will have food now.

(Thinking)

Grandboy: That’s how it is, huh? Some things eat and some things get eaten.

Me: Yep. The important thing for them is to know which one is which pretty quickly.

—-

Nature shows mimic politics

Grandboy (holding toy that’s been in a box for years now): Gwumpa I’m old enough NOWWWW to play with this?

Me: Not yet. Let’s see how you behave for a while yet.

Grandboy: Awwww you ALWAYS say that Gwumpa. (Brilliance ensues) How ’bout when I’m 8 years old? Can I open it when I’m 8?

Me (counter brilliance ensues): How ’bout we wait til you’re 8, and then I can answer the question?

Grandboy: YESSSS! I GET AN ANSWER WHEN I’M 8

Grandboy (preparing to show me something on Roblox): Gwumpa stay here. Don’t leave the room. I’m going to take you on a tour.

Me: Is it a three hour tour?

Grandboy: It’s a… what?

Me: Is it a three hour tour?

Grandboy: No Gwumpa

Me: Will the weather get rough? On the three hour tour?

Grandboy: What? No Gwumpa it’s nice outside. And I SAID NOT THREE HOURS. Maybe 5 minutes.

Me: Will the Minnow get lost?

Grandboy (exasperated): Gwumpa I don’t know the things you say sometimes. Just look at my tour but don’t ask any more questions please.

Grandboy (eating ice cream in a cone): Yum.

Me: Why is it called, ‘Ice Cream’?

Grandboy: Cuz it’s cold. Like ice. And it’s got CREAM.

Me: So it should be called, ‘Creamy Ice’.

Grandboy: YAH Gwumpa I’ll call it ‘Creamy Ice’ from now on. (pretends to be ordering food) Hello please may I have some creamy ice?

—-

Wait til I tell him about flutterbys

Grandboy (ear pressed against the asphalt): HEY GUYS! Can you hear… I heard a KRKRRRDKDRK sound in the earth. What IS that?!?

Me: O that’s probably one of the Under Ground people. You may be listening in on a conversation here.

Mamasan: And maybe THAT’S why I’m a paranoid adult. Thanks, Dad

Me: O hey please stop touching the walls. I just had them painted.

Grandboy: Ok Gwumpa.

Me: Ok stop touching the walls. Your hands are greasy and I’m trying to keep the new paint clean.

Grandboy: Ok Gwumpa, sorry.

Me: No, really, STOP TOUCHING THE WALLS when you walk past them.

Grandboy: Ok Gwumpa.

Me: PLEASE STOP! TOUCHING! THE! WALLS NOW!!

Grandboy: AAAUGH GWUMPA WHY YOU GOTTA SHOUT?!? YOU’RE BEING RUDE! JUST ASK NICELY NEXT TIME OK?!?

Me: Ok, I’ve ordered the food. It’ll be here soon.

Grandboy: Awww I’m hungry NOW. Make me some Gwumpa Oatmeal…!

Me: No, food’s on the way. Just wait please.

Grandboy: HUNGRY NOW I want food. Oatmeal, pleeeeese gwumpa? Gwumpaaaa…..

(this goes on for a while)

Me (angrily calculating): Ok. Fine.

Grandboy: Huh?

Me (I make a quick batch of oatmeal, and speak while making it): You’ll get the oatmeal. It’s made the same way as always. Same ingredients. Same way. But you won’t like it.

Grandboy (puzzled): Why? You make it the same way but it won’t taste the same?

Me: No. Because I DON’T want to make it for a shouting, screaming little boy. But I’ll make it. And you’ll see what I mean. (I set steaming bowl of food down in front of him)

(I go back to cleaning, but stop after hearing a noise)

Me: What are you doing?

Grandboy (putting a mostly-uneaten bowl of oatmeal in the fridge): I’m thinking I maybe don’t deserve this Gwumpa. I’m saving this for later when I think I’ll deserve it. I think it’ll taste better then.

Me: Good thinking, boy (hug)

Grandboy: Gwumpa hold on. Please wait. I have something in my shoe.

Me: It’s probably your foot.

Grandboy: AAAAUUGH

(We watch an advert for a phone app that scans one’s surroundings to warn if one is going to trip over something)

Grandboy: Wow that’s a cool idea.

Me: I have an app that works even better than that. Want to see it?

Grandboy: SURE

Me (pull out my phone): Watch carefully. (Open the screen)

Grandboy (leans over): Let me see.

Me (push button to close the screen): It’s called the “Put yer phone in yer pocket when walking” app.

Grandboy: Ahhhhh I get it.

Me: And your phone doesn’t even have to be on when you use it. That’s what makes it better than the one we just saw. Nothing’s so important that you have to be moving while you’re reading your phone.

Grandboy: You should tell people.

Me: I might just do that, boy…

Grandboy (holding up an old watch he found in the truck’s center console bin): Hey Gwumpa does this watch still work?

Me (looking over at the watch, noticing the second hand isn’t moving): No, it’s stopped. I think it needs a new battery.

Grandboy: Oh! Can I have it?

Me (thinking, “Awwww he wants to be like his grandpa”): Sure, will you take care of it?

Grandboy: Well, I wanted to crush it to see what would happen.

—-

Ok so maybe he’s a little more like me than I thought he’d be.

Grandboy is unhappy that I call him by his alter ego’s name. That would be “Mister Attcheu”.

As in “Mad Attcheu”

As in “Gwumpa! I’m Mad Attcheu”

Usually said with a frowny face.

Grandboy (holding my rolling pin): Gwumpa what’s this thing?

Me: It’s a rolling pin. You can use that to make cookies.

Grandboy: Or smack bad guys (gives a noisy demonstration)

Me: Or do both.

Grandboy (stops, thinks): O yah I can MAKE cookies, then GIVE them to the bad guys so they’ll be too busy to be bad.

Me: There you go.

Grandboy: And THEN I smack them while they’re eating.

Me: Oi boy. You’re not getting my vote as police chief.

Grandboy (carefully flattening his cold piece of pizza with a rolling pin)

Me: Why are you smashing your pizza with a rolling pin? Don’t goof around. Eat your pizza.

Grandboy (licks the rolling pin): I AM GWUMPA. Look at me eating it. It’s yummy

Me: Who gave you this thing, anyway?

Grandboy: AAAUGH!!!

Me: What are you doing?!

Grandboy: This rolling pin landed on my back.

Me: Boy, I’ve never seen a rolling pin involved in so much activity in one weekend. I need to put that thing up.

Grandboy: It’s ok, it’s not the rolling pin’s fault. It was GRAVITY.

Me: Well you know what I’m not allowing here on your next visit. GRAVITY. That’s causing a lot of problems.

Grandboy: Gwumpa that’s cool. I wanna try.

Me: Ok, wait a minute.

Grandboy: Hey that’s like a giant robot. I wanna try, Gwumpa

Me: Watch what happens when I JUMP

Grandboy: AAAUGH that’s COOL GWUMPA I WANNA TRY PLEASE

—

Thanks Thinkgeek.com. Now he will get exercise for hours, and I know where he’s at at all times. I should have bought more Mega Stomp Panics!

Grandboy (ankle deep in mud, water hose spraying a rainbow into the air): BWAHAHAHAHA

Me: …

Grandboy (kicking a toy car out of the deep mudhole he created from the hose spray): AND THAT MY FRIEND IS THAT

Me:…

Grandboy (aiming the hose along the cement patio, splattering mud everywhere)

Me: What are you doing?

Grandboy: I’M THE KING OF THE OCEAN. I’M FLOODING THE TRI-STATE AREA

Me: Ok king, but don’t forget to get your cars out of that hole. Once the mud dries, you aren’t going to find them again.

Grandboy: YES THE KING HAS A GOOD ADVISOR. BWAHAHAHA (more rainbows fill the sky)

Me (thinking): What’s going on in his head?

Grandboy: (humming the tune of “In the Hall of the Mountain King”, by Edvard Grieg as he plays with a stuffed bunny. The bunny appears to be leaping into a crevasse, but I may have misinterpreted its battle cry)

https://youtu.be/PC7-29kM0SA

Grandboy: Hey Gwumpa whatcha doin’?

Me: Resting my head in the table.

Grandboy: Why?

Me: I’m just a little tired, that’s all

Grandboy (sounding like his mamasan): GWUMPA you need to REST. Your body needs REST. Go back to bed.

Me: …

Grandboy: Hey Gwumpa, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but it’s NIGHTTIME. The sun is down so let’s go to sleep. C’mon!

Me (looking up at the window): Boy, it’s bright outside and 7:30 in the morning.

Grandboy: Use YOUR IMAGINATION

This is one of the grandboy’s fav songs. Nice to know it’s still got power after 35 years 🙂

Grandboy (playing a video game): What is that FLIPPIN’ zombie doing?!?!

Me (in a dangerous rumbly voice): WHAT did you say, boy?

Grandboy (realising the gravity of the situation): Oh, no Gwumpa I mean it’s really flipping over and over like cartwheels but forward, look Gwumpa look at the screen…

Grandboy is teaching me music basics. When I sing a tune in what I think is in a minor or diminished key, he gets angry. Same tune, in a major key, gets kudos (yes, good JOB, Gwumpa) and he may even chime in to harmonise. Some folks pay money for that kind of tutoring, haha

Grandboy: I have a girlfriend, you know.

Me: O, really?

Grandboy: Yah. She’s at school. She’s squishy.

Me: Squishy?

Grandboy: Yah, I hugged her once and she’s squishy.

Me: Boy, you’re too young to be thinking about girlfriends. And when you ARE old enough, don’t go round calling them squishy or you’ll get in trouble with ’em.

Grandboy: Even if they ARE squishy?

Me: Especially then.

Grandboy has graduated to the next level: Making video games instead of playing them.

Nothing spectacular – at this stage he’s doing the equivalent of using sandcastle-making tools to throw sand in the air and bury the other tools. But that’s how kids learn, yep?

Roblox looks to be one of the best ways for kids to learn object-oriented programming.

His goal is to “publish games on the platform so he can use them on his own YouTube channel that he’ll host. The channel will feature the music he’ll create during his night job. Engineer by day, deejay by night.”

His words, not mine, haha

Grandboy: I’m Superman.

Me: You’re Soup and Ham?

Grandboy: No. I said I’m SUPERman

Me: You’re Snoopy Dad?

Grandboy: AAAUGH NOW I’M SUPER MAD

Me: I thought you said you were

Grandboy: GWUUUUMMMMPPPAAAAAAHHHHH

Grandboy (watching me fight a character on a game and lose): Gwumpa. You gotta use a STRONGER POWER. You’re fighting the Gubbament…

—-

Someone be learning dat boy right, I reckon

Grandboy is upset at prayer time. I was firm on the, “no, you can’t have a slice of pizza now” position:

Me: Ok, you don’t want to thank God for anything today. That’s ok. Is there anything you’d like to ask Him for help with?

Grandboy: Well, that mama stays safe and has good dreams, and the puppies stay safe and have good dreams, and me too. (Cracks a grin) But the next part, you may not like it…

Me: O really, what’s that?

Grandboy: Well I was going to say that you have bad dreams and the house gets destroyed, but that’s a bad prayer to ask for, so I pray you stay safe and have good dreams too.

Me (in my best “Princess Bride Grandpa” voice): Well, that does sound like a better one to pray for. I think you’ll sleep better too, knowing this house isn’t coming apart, huh?

Grandboy: Yes gwumpa but even if your house was destroyed I’d be ok, right? Cuz of my prayer?

Me: God works in mysterious ways, boy. I’d not push my luck.

Grandboy (stands up, cracks his head): OWWWW

Me: O hey that looked like it hurt.

Grandboy: WHY DO THEY MAKE THESE BEDS SO SHORT?!?

Me: Because they are bonk beds.

Grandboy (does THE LOOK)

Me (does the INNOCENT look) 

Grandboy: Oh I get it because they are bunk beds you call them bonk beds. Gwumpa, sometimes…

Grandboy: Can I have soda for breakfast?

Me: No.

Grandboy: Can I have soda for breakfast?

Me: No.

Grandboy: Can I have soda for breakfast?

Me: No – WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME REPEAT MYSELF?

Grandboy: I’m reversing TIME gwumpa. That’s my superpower now. Can I have soda for breakfast?

—

I see why Superman’s earth parents had white hair, haha

Grandboy plays in the dirt for a few hours)

Me: Hey you’re really dirty. Shower time.

Grandboy: OK GWUMPA

(Grandboy re-enacts every scene from Spinjitzu, including the ‘falling into the abyss’ and ‘rainforest battle spectacular’. It seems soapy feet add to the challenge. At least it sounds like it from the safety of my room…)

Grandboy: …and her dad, he got stung by a WHOLE LOTTA yellow jackets and died. I don’t know if she said he was allergic but it was A LOT.

Me: O no. I’m sorry he died.

Grandboy: Yah, and.. hey, wait. Do you REALLY MEAN that or are you like, (in a mocking, singsong voice) “Oh nooo, I’m SO SORRY…”

Me: No really, that’s a sad thing for her family to go through. Think about it.

Grandboy: I KNOW. That’s why I wanted to know you knew that.

—

Oi, he’s getting that defensive armor already. I’d forgotten how brutal second grade can be!

Grandboy (playing a video game): Gwumpa, can you get me some pizza?

Me: No, boy, you’re big enough. Take a break and go get your own piece of pizza 

Grandboy: Awwww PLEEEEASE

Me: Nope. Go get it.

…

Grandboy: Gwumpa can you get (looks at my raised eyebrow)… me a HUUUG?

(hug)

Grandboy (whispering): and some pizza?

Grandboy (scrolling through images of the USS Titanic sinking): Wow Gwumpa those are sad pictures. Whoever took them must have been brave.

Me: O no, these aren’t pictures. They are paintings. 

Grandboy: What? (scrolling) Where are the photos from people who were there?

Me: They didn’t have mobile phones then. The paintings are made from descriptions of what happened.

Grandboy (processing this new information): No cell phones. That’s a hard life, Gwumpa.

—

Yep, grandboy, it was. And your grandchildren will wonder how life was possible before spinal implant networking, back when people drove their own vehicles and even owned them as well.

Grandboy (playing a video game where he can ride a dinosaur): Grandpa, dinosaurs were a long time ago, right?

Me: Yep. Long time ago.

Grandboy: I feel like, if I would have been born in the 80s I might have seen dinosaurs then, right, grandpa?

Me: Ayep may have been. You could never tell in the 80s.

Boy on video: I won’t shut up, YOU shut up!

Grandboy (looks sideways to mamasan): Hey mom he said…

Mamasan: (THE LOOK)

—-

Some things are best left unsaid

Grandboy: AUUUUGH DON’T DO WHAT I DID

Me: What did you do?

Grandboy (wiping his face): I blew into this can of powdered candy. The powder comes out and all over EVERYTHING

Me: Heh I’ve done that before.

Grandboy: Really? You’ve done something dumb before?

Me: O yes I have. Don’t forget to wipe up that mess, boy.

(Walking the neighborhood)

Me: O hey there are other houses here with flagpoles. I guess I can get one for my house too and no one will mind.

Grandboy (adamant): GRANDPA. Even if no one else has a flagpole that shouldn’t stop you from getting one if it’s nice and you like it. Are you going to do what everyone else does, or what you need to do?!?

Me: Haha, you’re right. You’ve been talking to your momma again, huh, boy?

Grandboy: There’s something you need to know about me: NEVER question me.

Me: Hm… and why not?

Grandboy: Grannnnnddddppppaaaaa. You are QUESTIONING ME.

Me: Am I?

Grandboy: And do you know what happens to people who question me? We fight to the death.

Me: How ’bout a hug instead?

Grandboy: SURE (hug)

Me: Why do you like hugs?

Grandboy: NOT AGAIN

(music. music on truck speakers)

Grandboy: Grandpa who’s that singing?

Me: It’s a group called, “Journey”.

Grandboy: It sounds like evil clowns.

Me (laughing): Evil clowns?

Grandboy: Six thousand of them.

—

One of the most harshest of critiques I’ve heard to date

(music. music on truck speakers)

Grandboy: What’s that song, grandpa?

Me: O that’s “Bicycle” by Queen.

Grandboy: THE QUEEN sings songs?

Me (laughing): No, that’s the name of the group. It’s not the Queen singing.

Grandboy: Good. She’s too fancy for that kinda music.

(music. music on truck speakers)

Grandboy: Grandpa who’s that singing that song?

Me: It’s a group called “The Cars”.

Grandboy: Are the called “The Cars” because the sing in cars?

Me: No, that’s just a name they liked, so they are called “The Cars”.

Grandboy: That’s too bad. I like cars. Their song, it sounds like it’s too violent for me.

(The song was, “Let the Good Times Roll”)

(music. music on truck speakers)

Grandboy: Grandpa what’s that song called?

Me: It’s called, “Fat Bottomed Girls” by the group, “Queen”.

Grandboy (angry): What?!? Why are they making fun of girls? I don’t like it.

Me: The 80s was full of stranger things.

Grandboy just used the word “jiffy” to describe how quickly he plans to be somewhere. Next I’m waiting for him to tell me something is as cute as a button 😊

Grandboy: GRANDPA

Me: Yes sir. Why are you hollerin’?

Grandboy: There’s a MOSQUITO.

Me: Well, get it.

Grandboy: You don’t understand, it’s too FAAAAST

Me: Ah. You should have taken ninja training classes then.

Grandboy: I DIIID. I am a super ninja.

Me: Well then why aren’t you getting that mosquito?

Grandboy: Well if I used my super ninja tricks I’d (spins in a wide armed circle) destroy this tiny house and I’m thinking of you so (folds hands together) please can you get the mosquito please please please (blinky eyes)

—–

Ok so the kid doesn’t reveal his ninja skills but he unleashes the cute power pretty quickly, hehe

Grandboy: GRANDPA

Me: Hey why the shouting?

Grandboy: Get that fly, grandpa.

(The “mosquito” from earlier was actually a fly)

Me: He’s not hurting you, leave him be.

Grandboy: Nooooo he’s bothering me.

Me: Is he bugging you?

Grandboy (looks sideways at me)

Me: He’s BUGGING you. 

Grandboy (no change in expression)

Me: He’s BUGGING you because he’s a FLY.

Grandboy (no change in expression)

Me: And you should leave him BEE????

Grandboy: ALL RIGHT GRANDPA JUST GET HIM ALREADY OK?!?!?

Grandboy: Momma, even if I’m on Santa’s “Good List” I’d still like to get coal as a gift.

Mamasan: Why on Earth would you still want coal?

Grandboy: Well, coal is a really useful thing. You can make fire with it, turn it into a torch, use it to smelt stuff. It’s good to have.

—-
Ah, the sweet sound of a prepper growing up

Grandboy (feeling the back of my arm, near the elbow): What happened, grandpa? Your arm used to be so hard. Now it’s soft and kind of squishy.

Me: Ah that’s because of all the pizza.

Grandboy: Oh.

Me: So I guess that means no more pizza when you come visit, right?

Grandboy: Ummm maybe a little squishy is ok

Grandboy (selecting a game’s display language): What’s “English (UK)” and “English (US)” and why are they different?

Me: The UK version is the original English and the US version came afterwards.

Grandboy: So now everyone speaks US version, right?

Me: No, loads of people still speak the original English. That’s why you make me say “lever” instead of “lever” so I sound like your YouTube gamers.

Grandboy (adopting a posh attitude): “Oh, yessss, I’d looove a kish, lorvely”

Me: Yes, exactly, that’s how everyone sounds in England… (makes squinty eyes at the boy)

It was either a fuzzy cuddly bumblebee or a battle orc to get at the corner shop. 

I’ll give the grandboy credit, he honestly gave the decision some thought. In the end the orc won. 

Young master wanted the fight to be fair and didn’t think the bumblebee was ready for it yet.

Grandboy: Grandpa, we should all stop using trees. We need trees for OXYGEN

Me: Well, we need to use trees to build things. Stopping all use of trees isn’t practical.

Grandboy: Maybe scientists can come up with a way to make MORE TREES. Then we’d replace the ones we use.

Me (raising an eyebrow)

Grandboy: (thinking) oooooo that’s called PLANTING SEEDS, right, grandpa?

Me: Sometimes the simplest things are the best.

Grandboy (waving his hand in the air): I’M THE PRESIDENT. You must do what I SAY

Me: No, actually we voted you into office. So you have to do what we ask you to do.

Grandboy: Wait, what? The president doesn’t have all the power?

Me: All elected officials are here to represent us, not tell us how to live and what to do.

Grandboy (mind blown): Oh, well then YOU can be president and I’ll tell you what to do.

—–

How quickly the path of power flows. I love the sound of liberty waking up

Grandboy: Grandpa, you’ll live a long time. 

Me: I hope so.

Grandboy: But when you DO die, it won’t hurt, will it?

Me: I don’t know.

Grandboy: WHAT?!? YOU DON’T KNOW IF IT’LL HURT???!!?

Me: Yep. Depends on how it happens. I might get in a car crash. Or just die nicely in my sleep when I’m very old.

Grandboy: Or get eaten by a dinosaur.

Me: Yep. That’s in the realm of possibility.

Grandboy: Or get eaten by a zombie.

Me: Yep. That too.

Grandboy (giggling): Or get eaten by BEES

Me: Ok, that’s enough of THAT bit.

Grandboy: I hope it won’t hurt when you die.

Me: Me too.

Grandboy: Because then you can’t enjoy it.

Me: That’s so true. I hope I enjoy it.

Kids’ drawings are amazing in their simplicity and complexity. Here we see an attacker and a defender. A shark is involved. There is an element of shock and awe here; even the castle is surprised.

Update:

Ah the artist corrected me. Here’s the real story:

The fella on the left is on a raft with a flag because he’s visiting (not invading) from another country. He’s being attacked by sharks.

The fella on the right is trying to help his new-found friend so he’s shouting out directions. His flag (NOT A BUILDING, GRANDPA) is not surprised but is a flag of the sun.

No wine was involved, spilt or otherwise 🙂 But I did ask. I got the “GRANDPA” holler. Sometimes it’s fun to poke a bear.

Grandboy (playing a game, and is frustrated): Grandpa, I can’t get this to work. The instructions say to press (x) but when I press (x) it doesn’t work!

Me: That’s why I don’t play that glitchy game (Roblox). The instructions the developers give don’t always work. And many times the system crashes.

Grandboy (giggling): Would YOU ever think of playing Roblox, Grandpa?

Me: I’d rather debug someone else’s Excel macros.

Grandboy: Whoa Grandpa, that’s intense

Grandboy did it on his own…

Grandboy: Ok, grandpa, here I put lines in the sand. No one crosses the lines.

Me: Or what happens?

Grandboy: O YOU can cross the line. And me too. But NO ONE ELSE.

Me: Why can we cross the lines and no one else can?

Grandboy: Because we are the ones who built the place.

Me: Ah. So the planners and builders have special privileges.

Grandboy: Of course, that’s how things work

Grandboy turned a sandbox into a giant Risk board.

I had to wait to fire my cruise missiles because I moved my plane one space to the right and used up my turn.

Grandboy (after snack-eating all evening during his visit): Grandpa I’m STILL hungry. Can I have a spoon of honey please?

Me: Sure. But you have to run up and down the stairs 10 times. Up and back counts as one.

Grandboy: WHAT??!?

Me: How bad do you want the honey?

Grandboy (on his way down from #8): So if I do ANOTHER ten I can get a second spoonful of honey?

Me: Nah. You can eat two spoonfuls if you do another ten.

Grandboy: Yay!

Grandboy (huffing and puffing and enjoying his spoonful of honey): Ah maybe not. If I do another ten, even for TWO spoonfuls of honey, I’ll be too tired to enjoy it, so I’d rather just enjoy the taste of one for now. Maybe later.

Grandboy (disembodied voice): HEY GRANDPA you can’t find me

Me (resisting the temptation to say, “because I’m not looking”): Are you under the table?

Grandboy (giggling): No

Me: Are you… (we go through a series of places where he’s not)

Grandboy: C’mon, grandpa, you have to actually GUESS.

Me: Are you inside Elvis (the dog)?

Grandboy: NO you wouldn’t hear me. His mouth is closed.

Me: But maybe you’re talking out of his EAR.

Grandboy: Ewwww that’s gross. But a pretty cool idea. (thinking) That’s actually pretty cool if it wasn’t so gross.

—–

He was under the couch, btw

Grandboy: Ok that’s it. I’m not drinking anything for 1000 days

Me: O, you’re that angry with me, are you?

Grandboy: YES! ONE THOUSAND DAYS. And then I’ll be dead. How does that sound?

Me: Sounds like a sad way to make me sad.

Grandboy: And THEN what will you do?

Me: O me? Well, I’ll just go to TheGrandkidStore dot com and order me another grandson.

Grandboy: Huh?

Me: Not to worry, I’ll order a replacement just like you. You know, because I like you and all.

Grandboy: You can’t do that.

Me: Why not? Where do you think you came from?

Grandboy: O funny, grandpa. I know I came out of my momma’s belly.

Me: O THAT’S what she told ya, did she? Clever gal. Now I have to let her know I let the news slip out.

Grandboy: O.O

He eventually caught on and played along, saying he’d go to Grandpa dot com to see if there were any on sale this week

Grandboy (making a horrid noise while shouting about the outcome of a video game)

Me: Oi boy, what’s all that noise you’re making? Shut that down NOW.

Grandboy: AUGH THAT’S THE SOUND OF MY TEARS FALLING OUT OF ME

Grandboy: … and then the bad guy comes out of his lair and attacks the people.

Me: And the good guys?

Grandboy: They come out of THEIR place…

Me: Their lair?

Grandboy: YAH. The good guy lair.

Me: I’m not sure good guys have lairs.

Grandboy: OF COURSE THEY DO GRANDPA. That’s where they practice how to protect people and get strong (pumps muscles) and stuff

Grandboy and I were playing the “Pretend Your Life Depends On It” game this weekend…

Grandboy (weakly stretching forward): Grandpa. I can’t reach that toy car. Can you get it for me?

Me: Nope, you get it. Pretend your life depends on it and you’re by yourself.

…

Grandboy (straining): Grandpa. This is too hard to open. Can you open it for me?

Me: Nope. You open it. Pretend your life depends on it.

…

Grandboy (looking up the stairs): Ugh, grandpa I don’t want to go up there to get my book. Can you go get it for me?

Me (the look)

Grandboy: AUGH I KNOW… “Pretend my life depends on it…” (stomp stomp stomp)

(Coming back down) But when will my life ever depend on me going upstairs to get a book? Or doing any of these things?

Me: You never know, boy. Figure it out now so you won’t be sad later. You figured out how to do that stuff on your own, didn’t you?

Grandboy: Yah.

Me: Learning how to learn is the best thing to learn.

Grandboy: Grandpa, sometimes you say things that are hard to understand. But that’s ok I still love you.

Grandboy (Sitting on the floor next to a toy aisle): Hrmph.

Me: No.

Grandboy: But I want a RYAN toyyyyyyy

Me: This is not a discussion we’re having. C’mon, I’ve got the toys I’m getting. Let’s go.

Grandboy: I’m not leaving without a RYAN TOY

Me: Then you aren’t leaving. I am. I’ll be driving down the road heading home and you’ll be sitting on the floor here and eventually we’ll BOTH be in trouble. Is that how you want this day to go? (I walk)

Grandboy (thinking, weighing the options, and knowing I WILL leave him there): Ok.

Me (still walking): …

Grandboy: I hate my life

Me: Ah. Ok. (Puts toys on a shelf) Let’s go. (No anger, just a logical response to a bad scenario. I’m teaching him that discipline can be applied without anger.)

—

Later

Grandboy: Grandpa, you know when I said I hate my life?

Me: Yep.

Grandboy: I know I was just angry and I didn’t mean I hate my life. I was just angry.

Me: Then that’s ok to say. Perfectly ok to be angry. What you do with anger, now that makes the difference.

Grandboy: I should have done something different, huh?

Me: Yep. You’d probably have some stuff now instead of nothing. But you learned something, so that’s not time wasted.

Grandboy (casting a fishing line): Grandpa, I love fishing.

Me: Yep.

Grandboy (casting again): But I’m not catching anything.

Me: Then it wouldn’t be called “fishing”. It would be called “catching”.

Girl on TV: You practiced with HER, not ME.

Boy: I’m sorry, I didn’t think…

Girl (smiling and laughing ): That’s Ok, I was kidding!

Me: O no she wasn’t.

Grandboy: No, she WAS kidding, she SAID SO

Me: O No, that boy will learn soon enough. She ain’t kidding.

Grandboy: O.o

Grandboy (breathing hard after performing a one-man show of the equivalent of WWF performed by ninjas on roller blades on my bed): …so now I’ve increased my fighting level to an UNBEATABLE LEVEL.

Me (reading a Terry Pratchett novel): An unbeatable level?

Grandboy: Yah! Like INFINITY OR EVEN MORE

Me: …

Grandboy: O no I can’t be INFINITY LEVEL that’s the strongest thing in the UNIVERSE. What is the next strongest level to infinity, grandpa?

Me: Infinity minus one.

Grandboy: A yes that’s the level I’m at now (tosses himself in the air on his back). Aaaaand ding ding ding now it’s time for the CHALLENGER

Proud of the visiting grandboy. He realized he was having trouble with gun etiquette. Instead of taking his new 4-shooter, wooden semiautomatic home, he asked me to take good care of it til next time.

Now i know what to get the next time I’m at the store… will have this ready for the grandboy.

Me: Hey I got you an eyepad.

Grandboy: REALLY? I want to see it

hehehe

Grandboy (playing Forza Horizon and looking at cars to play): Oooo grandpa that car looks SICK

Me: Ah I hope he feels better soon.

Grandboy: Ya.. huh?

Me: That car. I hope he gets better from the sickness.

Grandboy: O no that means they’re COOL. Not like (cough cough) sick.

Me: It’s not cool to be sick.

Grandboy: Yah, it’s not cool to be (penny drops) hey you know that’s just a SAYING, right? Not like really sick. Just like COOL.

Me: Because when you’re sick you’ve got a fever and that’s opposite of cool.

Grandboy: Grandpa.

—

Better quit while I’m ahead. Angering the boy isn’t sick.

Grandboy (rapping): …so don’t tell me what to do

don’t tell me what to do
if you tell me what to do
I’ll be so mad at you

if you tell me what to do
I’ll tell your momma too
I’ll tell your momma too
don’t tell me what to do

Me: What if it’s your momma telling you what to do?

Grandboy (hushed tone): shhh that’s just part of the song

Me: I like this song.

Grandboy: It’s a nice song.

Me: I first heard it when your momma was almost your age.

Grandboy: Really? She was 8 years old?

Me: No, she was like 12, I think.

Grandboy (frowning): GRANDPA. That’s not even CLOSE.

Me: Ah. Just give it a few decades.

Grandboy: What’s a ‘decade’?

Me: You’ll find out soon enough.

Grandboy: Grandpa.

Me: Ok. You’re almost a decade old. A decade is ten years. Some people are many decades old.

Grandboy (thinking): Yah like someone who’s 100 years old is ten decades old. That’s rare for someone to be ten decades old, huh, grandpa?

Me: Yep. I might live to be ten decades old maybe?

Grandboy: Yah you might live that long. You’re pretty old already, so you might make it.

Lady on video game: If you’ll take my hand, your majesty, we’ll make our way there.

Me: But if he takes her hand, she’ll have only one left.

Grandboy (puzzled): Huh? (gets the dad joke) Ah grandpa that’s just something people say when they mean, “Come hold my hand”.

Me: Hm. Maybe people should say what they mean.

Grandboy: It’s just called ‘manners’ grandpa. That’s when you say the right thing even if it’s not what you mean.

Grandboy (playing Knights of Pen and Paper II): Yah, he leveled up fast because he’s a low level character. Low level guys move up fast then they level up more slowly as they get higher.

Me: Just like in real life.

Grandboy: Haha grandpa so you’re leveling up more slowly than me?

Me: Yep. But my upgrades are stronger than yours.

Grandboy (playing an old-school dungeon crawler video game): Ah! My character. He’s dead.

Me: Jim.

Grandboy: Huh? (distracted by the game, as his other guys are still in battle) O I got the monster. He’s dead.

Me: Jim.

Grandboy: Why do you keep saying, “Jim” when I say, “He’s dead”?

(I proceed to teach him about Bones McCoy, and now this phrase is in his lexicon. Apologies to mamasan)

Grandboy (about 20 mins into a 2 hour break from electronic entertainment): Has it been 2 hours yet?

Me: No.

Grandboy (digging up another weed): Yes?

Me: No.

Grandboy: How long has it been?

Me: About 20 minutes.

Grandboy: Two hours?

Me: No.

—–

He’s been studying debate at his grandmother’s house again, I see

Grandboy (frustrated with weeding and smacks the weeding tool on the ground): Aaagh

Me: Please don’t smack the tool on the ground. You’ll break the tool.

Grandboy: BUT YOU’RE BREAKING MY SPIRIT

Me: Ah I see.

Mamasan (to her son and boyfriend): Today we are learning about water in its three natural states.

Grandboy: Ok

Mamasan: All of us lock elbows together.

(They do)

Mamasan: Now we walk around, like this (they clumsily walk around, giggling while doing so). We are water in solid state at freezing temperature. We are ice.

(More clumsy walking)

Mamasan: Now the temperature rises and we loosen up. (They unlock elbows and hold hands)

Mamasan: We’re water in fluid form. Let’s dance!

(They dance around, holding hands and laughing)

Mamasan: Ok, final state. Temperature increases… Aaaaand nowwwww we’re STEAM

(They let go of each other’s hands and bounce around the room. If Mamasan owned dogs, they’d be running around barking. She has a cat who is likely watching from a relatively quiet and safe distance.)

—-

We think it’s the boy who is learning. Actually it’s Mamasan who is developing her Ms Frizzle skills, hehe.

Me: So, would you let a box of money in a truck drive away or help an old lady across the street?

Grandboy (scoffs): Grandpa. I’d help the old lady.

Me: Even if you knew you’d never get the money?

Grandboy: Was it my money in the box?

Me: Does that matter?

Grandboy: Well I’d need to know if I had to work harder to pay my bills.

…

Me: Well what if she was a mean old lady?

Grandboy: How do you mean? Like mean to me or mean to everyone?

Me: Everyone. She trips little kids and laughs at them.

Grandboy: Well… I’d get the money and use it to visit her and maybe help her in the hospital.

Grandboy: What if a car made doughnuts?

Me: Do you mean if you spun around in circles to do doughnuts in a car?

Grandboy: No, like if you spun the car around and all of a sudden a real- life giant doughnut was on the ground.

Me: Ha yep that would be pretty cool.

Grandboy: The color of the tires makes the kind of doughnut.

Me: O like black tires make chocolate doughnuts and red tires make strawberry doughnuts?

Grandboy: Exactly.

—–

Hehehe he’s asked a question I asked a long time ago 😁

—

Follow-up conversation while cuddling in the morning:

Grandboy: Grandpa, you remember the donut thing?

Me: Yep.

Grandboy: I’ll bet the doughnuts taste like dirt.

Me: And rubber.

Grandboy: But I’d still eat them.

Me: Mmmmm dooooughnuuuutsss

Grandboy (eating leftover Halloween candy): Hey grandpa this grape sucker tastes weird. Like Play-Doh!

Me: Like Plato? I never knew you tasted Plato the Philosopher.

Grandboy: Grandpa. I’m serious.

Me: Nice to meet you, Sirius the star.

Grandboy: Grandpa, sometimes…

—

I follow the “History by non sequitur” approach

Grandboy: Ooo he looks dangerous.

Me: Hm. I’d hide for a bit and get your strength back.

Grandboy: Good idea (he hides).

Me: O he’s a lot stronger than you. I’d head back to a safe place and do a quicksave.

Grandboy: That’s a good idea grandpa.

(He saves the game, then beats the challenge a few minutes later after some difficulty.)

Me: Wouldn’t it be nice to have a quicksave in real life?

Grandboy: YAH! That way you can do ANYTHING and come back if you make a mistake.

Me: Heh but in real life you can’t, so you’d better be good at being watchful and knowing how to handle mistakes 🙂

Grandboy: Grandpa, how did you get your golly stones?

Me: My what?

Grandboy: Your golly stones. You know, the ones that made you go to the hospital.

Me: O you mean my gall stone.

Grandboy: Yah your golly stones. How did you get them?

Me: I don’t know. I don’t think we know what causes them.

Grandboy: Did you touch something like at work or outside? That could have caused them.

Me: Nope. Nothing I touched caused it.

Grandboy: But how do you KNOW that? You said we don’t know what causes them.

—–

Doctor or lawyer. Or technical analyst. He’s on a path here 😁

Grandboy: Grandpa are you afraid of heights?

Me: No, I rather like high places.

Grandboy: Wow. You LIKE heights? It doesn’t bother you to look down?

Me: Nope.

Grandboy: So what DOES bother you?

Me: Drops. Falling bothers me. There’s a big difference between being up high and leaving the high place quickly.

Grandboy: “…boss baby.”

Me: Would you like to be a boss baby?

Grandboy: No.

Me: Why not?

Grandboy: Why do you always ask me things? AAUGH that’s like me asking me your deepest darkest secret.

Me: Ok.

Grandboy: So… What IS your deepest darkest secret?

Me: That I have a grandson who doesn’t want to tell me why he doesn’t like to be a boss baby.

Grandboy: AAAAUUUUGGGGHHHH

—

Later:

Grandboy: Are you writing this? Stop writing this.

Me: Why?

Grandboy: Because.

Me: It doesn’t matter, no one reads these anyway 🙂

Grandboy: O you’re the best grandpa ever.

Me: Yes.

Grandboy (looking over my shoulder): I DID NOT SAY THAT.

Me: Hee hee

Grandboy: Can I have some ice cream?

Me: Nope. Can’t have ice cream for breakfast.

Grandboy: Awwwww. Please?

Me: Nope.

Grandboy: But when?

Me: After lunch.

Grandboy (thinking)

Grandboy: Can we have some lunch now?

Me: The word, “fire” is an odd word.

Grandboy: Why is that, grandpa?

Me: Well, “fire” can burn something, and you can “fire” a weapon, and a boss can “fire” a person. Same word but they have different meanings.

Grandboy (thinking)

Grandboy: No, they come from the same thing. A “fire” can hurt you by burning you. And someone can “fire” a gun and can hurt you. And when a boss “fires” someone they usually kick the guy out of the door with a BIG BOOT. And that can hurt you.

Me: Huh.

Grandboy: So they kind of DO mean the same thing!

Me: You figured it out. Would you like some fire pizza?

Grandboy: Ah! No thank you

Grandboy (running from the gate to the house, with galloping dogs in tow): STAAAAMMMMPEEEEED

—–

Good to know truth in news reporting still exists 😊

Grandboy (waving his hands over one of my contact juggling balls): Grandpaaaaa I’m reeeadinnnng yourrrr fortuuuuuune…

Me: Oh that’s nice. Is it good fortune?

Grandboy (same voice): In fifteen years… you’ll meet the love of your life. And you’ll have babies. A boy and a girl.

Me: Huh. That would be interesting. That means your momma could have a baby sister.

Grandboy: Yah! A baby sister.

Me: And that means you’ll have a new aunt. Just like your uncles.

Grandboy (thinking)

Me: And you can help change your aunt’s diapers.

Grandboy (mind blown): Wait a minute. I’D BE CHANGING MY AUNT’S DIAPERS. She’s supposed to be older than me. BUT SHE’D BE A BABY

Me: So maybe I shouldn’t have any new babies. That would just confuse everyone, huh?

Grandboy: Yah Grandpa that would be confusing.

Grandboy: …and THIS guy, his name is Claws, he fights off the bad guys with his huge CLAWS. When he’s done there’s nothing left.

Me: Claus? Isn’t he the guy who gives presents to good kids?

Grandboy: O no grandpa, that’s SANTA Claus. He’s a different guy.

Me: Maybe he’s the same guy, and his Claws come out at night when the bad kids are acting up.

Grandboy: Yah that makes sense.

—

(Apologies to mamasan. I can’t help it sometimes)

Grandboy (explaining something he created on Minecraft): …and this guy, he’s a big one. That’s because he’s the LEADER of the team. And he’s STRONG. Don’t get me started on the leader…

Me: O really? And why not?

Grandboy: Well, it’s because he… (continues for about 15 mins talking about THE LEADER)

Me: …

Grandboy: … and then that’s all.

Me: Ah. So did I get you started on THE LEADER?

Grandboy: Nah. (Thinks a bit) Well, may be you DID get me started. But just a little bit.

Texas grandboy is over for a bit so of course it’s time to break out grandpa meal… I’ve ice cream and “The Greatest Cookies in the World”

But shhhh don’t tell mamasan

I may have done a very good or a very bad thing.

Grandboy was fantasizing about a combo washer & dryer invention. After he finished describing it I told him he needed to write down the idea on paper so other people would know he came up with the idea. The word “patent” was mentioned…

He immediately grasped the idea of monetizing intellectual property. He said he’d let the people who made the things keep 1 out of every 10 dollars because, “you know, it WAS my idea but it would be selfish of me to keep all the money”.

We kept driving for a bit and then another idea hit him.

Grandboy: Hey grandpa!

Me: Hm?

Grandboy: I can alsoly come up with an invention for the MILITARY and the government would have to give me money for my idea. They have a lot of money and that would last a long time, right grandpa?

Me: Well, we’ll see about that

— later, as we’re getting out of the truck

Grandboy: O grandpa I came up with the idea of opening the truck door for me so now you have to pay me FIFTEEN DOLLARS

Me: Well that’s not how it works, boy. First it has to be an idea for something someone can make. Then you gotta…

Grandboy: DOOR HANDLES

Me: …gotta WRITE IT DOWN BOY. And you have make sure someone else hasn’t already owned the patent. That’s why writing and reading is so important. You’ll get to ‘rithmetic once you’re counting all your money.

Me: … so you can choose to be happy. No one can make you happy.

Grandboy: Just like I can choose to be angry. Right? I can choose that too?

Me: Yep. And you can choose what to do with your anger. There’s a lot of energy that comes with anger.

Grandboy: Well, hmm (thinking out loud) ten percent, ten percent I’d use for physical training. Like running or punching bags. Then thirty percent I’d use to help people, like putting groceries in their cars or cleaning their yard. Then twenty more percent would be for learning things because I’d have a lot of energy still. That’s over half my anger gone. Then twenty more for teaching people how to do things when they are angry. That leaves twenty percent left for me to play games that let my anger out.

Me: That’s a really interesting plan.

Grandboy: So…(calculating) that’s 30% used for my own stuff and 70% used to help other people. I think that’s ok.

Me: I think that would work.

Grandboy: But I’m just a kid. When I’m a adult I might change my mind. I don’t know everything yet.

Me: Well it’s perfectly fine to adjust your plans as you get new information. Time for sleep now.

Grandboy: Yah and we can play Minecraft in the morning, right?

Me: Yep. New adventures tomorrow

Me: (cough)

Grandboy: WAAA grandpa what if you have cova?

Me: Well then you have it now I suppose 😊

Grandboy: HEY you’re like the worst grandpa ever in the world.

Me: Well at least you can’t say I’ve never given you anything 😁

Homeschooling rocks.

The grandboy saw this pic and laughed at the silliness of it.

Grandboy: A haha! Mona Lisa dabbing 😁

Me: How did you know that’s Mona Lisa?

Grandboy: What? You’ve never heard of Leonardo Da Vinci? He painted the picture.

Me: Ah I didn’t know he knew about dabbing back then.

Grandboy: GRANDPA

Grandboy: O wow that’s tricky.

Me: That’s ok, keep trying.

Grandboy: Ummm I don’t think it’s supposed to roll up like that (uses fingers to push it back down)

Me: Try pressing harder as you push the blade

Grandboy: It’s not sharp (rolls blade on his arm)

Me: That’s ok. It’s sharp enough.

Grandboy (now in the groove, cut, press pieces down with his fingers): Yah pushing down harder works. Cut cut push push.

Me: … (eye twitching)

Grandboy: O wow I’ll have to wash my HANDS after this.

Me: Yep. I hope you washed your hands before we started. Would you like a piece?

Grandboy: No thank you grandpa. I just wanted to see how to use the pizza cutter.

(We look at the organized carnage that used to be my gourmet pizza on the cutting board)

Me: Well it’s good to learn something new! Next time we’ll practice not separating the pieces with your fingers, yah?

“Grandpa help”

Haha the timestamps on the pics say it took from 4:47p to 5:02p to sort this one out. That’s a record

Grandboy (singing loudly)
Watermelon, sugar, EYE
Watermelon, sugar, EYE
Watermelon, sugar, EYE
Watermelon, sugar, EYE

Me (thinking): the lyrics actually are…

Me (thinking more deeply): at his age, I’d be embarrassed to death if I didn’t know the lyrics. He’d likely stop singing if I corrected him now

—

Who knows? Maybe he’ll paint that future famous surreal mural of a Watermelon Sugar Eye someday

Grandboy (as we’re cutting down trees on Minecraft): Grandpa, tell me a Dad Joke

Me: I WOOD if I knew any

Grandboy: Ha that’s a good one!

Me (waving my axe in the air): But first I have to AXE this tree a question

Grandboy: Aaugh grandpa

Me (collecting the lumber I’ve cut): I know what time it is. It’s TREEt-hurty in the afternoon

Grandboy: Now you’re hurting my soul, grandpa

Taught the grandboy how to operate the zero-turn riding mower today.

He thinks I’m being a fun grandpa.

I’m planning for my yard care replacement, haha

Me (showing a video of Homer Simpson saying “d’oh!”): And that’s Homer Simpson from an old tv show.

Grandboy: Huh. I’ve never seen that show. How old is it?

Me: Well it was made before you were born, boy.

Grandboy (in awe): Wow. So the Homer Simpson show was made THAT long ago?

Me: O yes, sir. Now let me tell you about a show called, “Bonanza”…

Me: Say the word “wristwatch”

Grandboy: Wristwatch.

Me: Ok, say it a couple of times again

Grandboy (repeats it)

Me: Ok. Now say the word, “Irish”

Grandboy: Irish.

Me: Ok, say it a couple of times again

Grandboy (repeats it)

Me: Good.

Grandboy: Why did you want me to say those words?

Me: They were easy to say, right?

Grandboy (scoffs): Yah, grandpa. Like a baby could say them.

Me: Ok now say, “Irish” and then “wristwatch” together.

Grandboy: Irish wishwah

Me (smiling)

Grandboy: Iwish wistwash

Me: Hehehe

Grandboy: I rish wist AAAUGH

Me: Not so easy, huh?

Grandboy (realizing his brain is broken): Grandpa I can’t say it

Me: Ok just say each word by themselves

Grandboy (succeeds)

Grandboy: BUT WHY CAN’T I SAY THEM TOGETHER?!!?

Me: It’s a mystery, boy it’s a mystery

Introduced the grandboy to the original Willy Wonka. We’re both singing to the musical parts

I don’t know if I ever told y’all the story of the black Zen cube I have. It was a gift from the grandboy.

When he was like 5 yrs old he wanted to try solving one of my cubes. I let him have a go and went off to do other things.

He came back later and asked me to help him. He’d chewed off a handful of the stickers. I don’t know where they all went but he handed me the cube and a couple of the stickers and asked for help.

I had a choice. I could get angry and try to find the missing stickers, then try to solve the cube without putting them back on, then put the missing stickers back on.

He looked at me with his big eyes and hopeful face and asked me again if I could fix it.

So I did. I removed all the stickers and handed him the cube. I told him I wasn’t happy that he chewed the others off, but maybe later he could use another one if he proved to me he wouldn’t chew my things up.

He had fun with the black cube for a while til he got bored and handed it back to me.

And now it’s a desktop remember that I can take an accidental mishap and turn it into a peaceful – and sometimes beautiful thing. When I’m feeling really frustrated I sometimes pick this up and fiddle with it, knowing it doesn’t matter if I “solve” it or not.

It’s always solved and always broken no matter what. Kind of like each of us are. That helps sometimes 😊

Grandboy (playing a game): Do you know what I’m looking for?

Me: Mmmm. A girl worth fighting for?

Grandboy (scoffs): No grandp… actually, yes. Yes a girl worth fighting for. But right now I’m looking for secret loot.

(We sing for a bit)

Nice! So I can call my ninth great grandmother, “Gigagran”

Grandboy (chopping tree brush with a hand axe): Whew

Me: Just be careful.

Grandboy: Yes grandpa

Me: Because if you get hurt, it’ll be an axeident

Grandboy: Uhhh

Me: Because you’re using an AXE

Grandboy: Uhhh

Me: And it will be an AXE…

Grandboy: If I laugh now, can we take an ice cream break?

It’s that time of year again where it’s my civic duty to explain to the grandkids the similarity between Santa Claus and 1984’s Big Brother

Grandboy: Sometimes I’m scared of things.

Me: Like what?

Grandboy: I don’t like to say their names, because, you know, I’ll start worrying about them.

Me: It’s ok. I’m scared of things too.

Grandboy: REALLY? Like what.. o you probably don’t want to say.

Me: It’s ok I can say it.

Grandboy: You CAN? You’re brave. What’s scares you?

Me: Reckless tax spending and a federal gov’t that’s out of control.

Grandboy: I meant like zombies.

Me: Yes it’s the same thing, boy.

Grandboy (putting a Lego kit together): You know, grandpa, federal gov’t that’s out of control is actually scary.

Me (chuckling): Why do you say that?

Grandboy: BECAUSE GRANDPA if one group has all the power they can take your house and things and stuff.

Me: Yep. But we have ways to stop that from happening.

Grandboy: We do? But that’s the government.

Me: The folks who made out government structure put rules in place to keep that from happening. They were smart folks.

Me (Staining a wood wall with toxic fume-y chemicals)

Grandboy: Grandpa I’m having a hard time breathing and it feels like the room is spinning.

Me (Alarmed): WHAT? Boy let’s go outside and get fresh air. Hurry.

Grandboy: It’s ok grandpa. I was just (spinning around in a circle) SPINNING FOR FUN and I’m out of breath now. But going outside is a good idea. This place stinks

Grandboy (playing Plants vs Zombies): Grandpa I learned that it’s sometimes not a good idea to go rushing into the area. I did that when I was younger and got killed. So now I look around before going in.

Me: Sounds like real life, boy.

Grandboy: What? O yah like if you run into an area filled with lava.

Me: Or go into a staff meeting unprepared

Grandboy: Grandpa I had a really bad nightmare last night

Me (preparing for a tale of zombies and monsters): O no. Would you like to talk about it?

Grandboy: Yah. I dreamt I logged onto my game and all the high level people I worked so hard for had vanished. It was horrible.

Me: Ah. I know the feeling.

Grandboy: You had a dream like that?

Me: Yep it’s called retirement planning, boy

Grandboy (interrupting himself as he’s singing the song, “Love is All You Need”): Grandpa, is love really all you need?

Me: Well, you probably need a warm bed and some food to eat at some point

Grandboy (laughing): Way to ruin a great song, grandpa. They should call you Song-Breaker 😀

Introduced the eldest grandson to a software package that allows him to create his own role-playing games. He’s using the ‘puter hooked to the tv and I’m next to him on my laptop.

It’s a wonderful experience as he’s learning the power of creating games instead of playing them. He can create the dialogue and environment himself and control the number and power of monsters that the team he creates will encounter.

I’m also reminded of why paired programming is not my fav style of development. I’ve installed a copy of the software on my laptop so I can delve deeper into areas of interest, and suddenly I’ve become the research guy on the two-person team 🙂

And I thought I was going to have an easy winter hols break from work, haha

The eldest grandboy wanted cookies. I introduced him to exercise and to some random algorithm in the process.

So far he’s on the 2nd iteration

Grandboy: BWAAAP BWAAAP BWAAAP BWAAAP

Me: What are you doing?

Grandboy: BWAAAP BWAAAP BWAAAP BWAAAP

Me (stares in Texan): …

Grandboy: I’m being an annoying parrot

Me: You’re doing a surprisingly good job.

Grandboy: You’re doing a surprisingly good job.

Me: Huh?

Grandboy: Huh?

Me (catching on): I said nothing.

Grandboy: I said nothing.

(we do this for about 5 iterations)

Me: Would you like a hug?

Grandboy: Would you like a hug?

Me (reaching out)

Grandboy (reaching out)

* Hug *

—- sometimes we need to get to the root of the behavior —–

Grandboy (preparing to take a bath): Grandpa tonight I’m just taking a quick bath. No playing or anything.

Me: Ok

Grandboy: You know how sometimes I play in the bath.

Me: Yep

Grandboy: Just a quick one.

Me: Yep

Grandboy: Not playing so I can get out quickly.

Me: Ok.

Grandboy (running the water and to the Minecraft guys): Ok guys no playing today

Minecraft guys (in unison): YES SIR

Grandboy (singing): No plaaaayinggg

Minecraft guys (singing): We arennnn’t plaaaayinggg

(Sounds of playing ensue)

I’ve learned the eldest grandboy fills quiet spaces with his homemade songs. As a result, I’ve subtly made an increase in quiet spaces effective immediately.

He seems to have absorbed Gene Kelly’s style, so that’s not a bad thing at all.

How did he pick up on Gene Kelly? Well it’s not all punk and EDM over here when I’m working from home!

Showing the eldest grandboy how to make swans/dragons of different sizes

Grandboy: Grandpa why are the “best rated” games on Xbox store so violent?

Me: Because…

https://www.windowscentral.com/heres-some-interesting-stats-about-xbox-one-owners-microsoft-shared-partners

Grandboy: A while ago a girl at school introduced me to her friend as “her boyfriend”

Me (raised eyebrow): Hmmm?

Grandboy (quickly): But I really wasn’t her boyfriend and said “hey I’m not your boyfriend” and she was like “yah, he’s a friend who is a boy”. Isn’t that weird how boy friend” and “boyfriend” sound so much alike?

Me: Maybe she really wanted you to be her boyfriend…

Grandboy (lightbulb moment): …ooo yahhh and she was testing me to see if I would say yes I AM her boyfriend!

Me: Girls can be tricky

Grandboy: …but can’t trick ME

Me: Well someday you MAY be someone’s boyfriend so you’d better be a good one.

Grandboy: But THAT day wasn’t the day! Whew I barely escaped with my LIFE

Grandboy (looking at his empty bowl): Grandpa, in another multiverse I got another bowl of ice cream…

Me: Hm. Well that version was visiting a grandpa in a different multiverse, too

Grandboy: …and THAT’S why making my wife happy is the most important thing.

Me: Well, what if making your wife happy hurts the entire family? I’m not sure you’d want that.

Grandboy (thinking): Oh yah, like if my wife says, “honey it would make me so happy if you robbed a bank” and I’d be like, “no my love because I’d end up in prison and the kids would have no dad and you’d have to earn all the money by yourself” so yah in that case I’d have to tell her “NO” and let her be unhappy.

—

I’ll save the question, ‘And what if robbing the bank was the only way to save your child’s life?” for a later day, hehe

We are enjoying the bonfire.  The grandboy comes walking over with a smoldering piece of wood.

Grandboy: Grandpa, we’re both lucky.

Me: Oh yah? Why is that?

Grandboy (with a look of suspicion on his face): Well, this is the SECOND time I’ve rescued my hammer and battle rifle from your fire.

Me (thinking quickly, as I didn’t realize it had made it into the burn pile): Well now it’s stronger for having survived the fire.

Grandboy: Twice.

Me: And that’s actually how ancient warriors used to harden their spears.

Grandboy (whacking the ground with his blackened weapon now that it’s in Hammer Mode): Yep look how strong this is!

The grandboy is reading the instructions on a trampoline.

Grandboy: Hey it says children should be using this with supervision. So I need an adult with me.

Me: You wouldn’t need one if you were Superboy.

Grandboy: Huh? Why is that?

Me: Because he already has super vision.

Grandboy: AAAAAHHHHH

Whatever he’s doing, it involves a baseball bat, a leaf blower, and being stripped down to his underwear.

Sometimes it’s best not to ask questions.

Grandboy (dancing around on one foot): Grandpa hey grandpa I’m a I’m a figment of your imagination.

Me: O yep?

Grandboy: Yes I have been this whole time.

Me: Well apparently I have a very active imagination.