Grandboy (eating leftover Halloween candy): Hey grandpa this grape sucker tastes weird. Like Play-Doh!

Me: Like Plato? I never knew you tasted Plato the Philosopher.

Grandboy: Grandpa. I’m serious.

Me: Nice to meet you, Sirius the star.

Grandboy: Grandpa, sometimes…

—

I follow the “History by non sequitur” approach

Grandboy: What if a car made doughnuts?

Me: Do you mean if you spun around in circles to do doughnuts in a car?

Grandboy: No, like if you spun the car around and all of a sudden a real- life giant doughnut was on the ground.

Me: Ha yep that would be pretty cool.

Grandboy: The color of the tires makes the kind of doughnut.

Me: O like black tires make chocolate doughnuts and red tires make strawberry doughnuts?

Grandboy: Exactly.

—–

Hehehe he’s asked a question I asked a long time ago 😁

—

Follow-up conversation while cuddling in the morning:

Grandboy: Grandpa, you remember the donut thing?

Me: Yep.

Grandboy: I’ll bet the doughnuts taste like dirt.

Me: And rubber.

Grandboy: But I’d still eat them.

Me: Mmmmm dooooughnuuuutsss

Me: So, would you let a box of money in a truck drive away or help an old lady across the street?

Grandboy (scoffs): Grandpa. I’d help the old lady.

Me: Even if you knew you’d never get the money?

Grandboy: Was it my money in the box?

Me: Does that matter?

Grandboy: Well I’d need to know if I had to work harder to pay my bills.

…

Me: Well what if she was a mean old lady?

Grandboy: How do you mean? Like mean to me or mean to everyone?

Me: Everyone. She trips little kids and laughs at them.

Grandboy: Well… I’d get the money and use it to visit her and maybe help her in the hospital.

Mamasan (to her son and boyfriend): Today we are learning about water in its three natural states.

Grandboy: Ok

Mamasan: All of us lock elbows together.

(They do)

Mamasan: Now we walk around, like this (they clumsily walk around, giggling while doing so). We are water in solid state at freezing temperature. We are ice.

(More clumsy walking)

Mamasan: Now the temperature rises and we loosen up. (They unlock elbows and hold hands)

Mamasan: We’re water in fluid form. Let’s dance!

(They dance around, holding hands and laughing)

Mamasan: Ok, final state. Temperature increases… Aaaaand nowwwww we’re STEAM

(They let go of each other’s hands and bounce around the room. If Mamasan owned dogs, they’d be running around barking. She has a cat who is likely watching from a relatively quiet and safe distance.)

—-

We think it’s the boy who is learning. Actually it’s Mamasan who is developing her Ms Frizzle skills, hehe.

Grandboy (frustrated with weeding and smacks the weeding tool on the ground): Aaagh

Me: Please don’t smack the tool on the ground. You’ll break the tool.

Grandboy: BUT YOU’RE BREAKING MY SPIRIT

Me: Ah I see.

Grandboy (about 20 mins into a 2 hour break from electronic entertainment): Has it been 2 hours yet?

Me: No.

Grandboy (digging up another weed): Yes?

Me: No.

Grandboy: How long has it been?

Me: About 20 minutes.

Grandboy: Two hours?

Me: No.

—–

He’s been studying debate at his grandmother’s house again, I see

Grandboy (playing an old-school dungeon crawler video game): Ah! My character. He’s dead.

Me: Jim.

Grandboy: Huh? (distracted by the game, as his other guys are still in battle) O I got the monster. He’s dead.

Me: Jim.

Grandboy: Why do you keep saying, “Jim” when I say, “He’s dead”?

(I proceed to teach him about Bones McCoy, and now this phrase is in his lexicon. Apologies to mamasan)

Grandboy (playing Knights of Pen and Paper II): Yah, he leveled up fast because he’s a low level character. Low level guys move up fast then they level up more slowly as they get higher.

Me: Just like in real life.

Grandboy: Haha grandpa so you’re leveling up more slowly than me?

Me: Yep. But my upgrades are stronger than yours.

Lady on video game: If you’ll take my hand, your majesty, we’ll make our way there.

Me: But if he takes her hand, she’ll have only one left.

Grandboy (puzzled): Huh? (gets the dad joke) Ah grandpa that’s just something people say when they mean, “Come hold my hand”.

Me: Hm. Maybe people should say what they mean.

Grandboy: It’s just called ‘manners’ grandpa. That’s when you say the right thing even if it’s not what you mean.

Me: I like this song.

Grandboy: It’s a nice song.

Me: I first heard it when your momma was almost your age.

Grandboy: Really? She was 8 years old?

Me: No, she was like 12, I think.

Grandboy (frowning): GRANDPA. That’s not even CLOSE.

Me: Ah. Just give it a few decades.

Grandboy: What’s a ‘decade’?

Me: You’ll find out soon enough.

Grandboy: Grandpa.

Me: Ok. You’re almost a decade old. A decade is ten years. Some people are many decades old.

Grandboy (thinking): Yah like someone who’s 100 years old is ten decades old. That’s rare for someone to be ten decades old, huh, grandpa?

Me: Yep. I might live to be ten decades old maybe?

Grandboy: Yah you might live that long. You’re pretty old already, so you might make it.

Grandboy (rapping): …so don’t tell me what to do

don’t tell me what to do
if you tell me what to do
I’ll be so mad at you

if you tell me what to do
I’ll tell your momma too
I’ll tell your momma too
don’t tell me what to do

Me: What if it’s your momma telling you what to do?

Grandboy (hushed tone): shhh that’s just part of the song

Grandboy (playing Forza Horizon and looking at cars to play): Oooo grandpa that car looks SICK

Me: Ah I hope he feels better soon.

Grandboy: Ya.. huh?

Me: That car. I hope he gets better from the sickness.

Grandboy: O no that means they’re COOL. Not like (cough cough) sick.

Me: It’s not cool to be sick.

Grandboy: Yah, it’s not cool to be (penny drops) hey you know that’s just a SAYING, right? Not like really sick. Just like COOL.

Me: Because when you’re sick you’ve got a fever and that’s opposite of cool.

Grandboy: Grandpa.

—

Better quit while I’m ahead. Angering the boy isn’t sick.

Now i know what to get the next time I’m at the store… will have this ready for the grandboy.

Me: Hey I got you an eyepad.

Grandboy: REALLY? I want to see it

hehehe

Proud of the visiting grandboy. He realized he was having trouble with gun etiquette. Instead of taking his new 4-shooter, wooden semiautomatic home, he asked me to take good care of it til next time.

Grandboy (breathing hard after performing a one-man show of the equivalent of WWF performed by ninjas on roller blades on my bed): …so now I’ve increased my fighting level to an UNBEATABLE LEVEL.

Me (reading a Terry Pratchett novel): An unbeatable level?

Grandboy: Yah! Like INFINITY OR EVEN MORE

Me: …

Grandboy: O no I can’t be INFINITY LEVEL that’s the strongest thing in the UNIVERSE. What is the next strongest level to infinity, grandpa?

Me: Infinity minus one.

Grandboy: A yes that’s the level I’m at now (tosses himself in the air on his back). Aaaaand ding ding ding now it’s time for the CHALLENGER

Girl on TV: You practiced with HER, not ME.

Boy: I’m sorry, I didn’t think…

Girl (smiling and laughing ): That’s Ok, I was kidding!

Me: O no she wasn’t.

Grandboy: No, she WAS kidding, she SAID SO

Me: O No, that boy will learn soon enough. She ain’t kidding.

Grandboy: O.o