Grandboy (laying on his back on the kitchen chair): Gwumpa you do this (kicks his legs in the air)
Me: No thank you.
Grandboy: You really should try it Gwumpa (kicks one leg up again)
Me: No thank you I don’t want to be laying on my back on the kitchen chair putting my feet in the air.
Grandboy: It’s relaaaaaxing… (smiles)
Me: I’ll think about it
Grandboy (triumphant): Yay!
Grandboy, standing at the recycle bin, mortified: GWUMPA!
Me: Yessir?
Grandboy: Why you, why you recycle these things? (Picks up mid-sized cardboard containers and plastic bottles, all rinsed or clean)
Me: So we can reuse them.
Grandboy: No I mean why recycle THESE? I can make SPACE SHIPS from these now! (Takes them from the bin and starts working on them with his kid scissors and tape)
— Oh, my child’s child. It’s good to know the old ways will not die out with us :’)
Grandboy: Gwumpa, what is that (on video game)?
Me (looking up): O i don’t know.
Grandboy (frustrated, moves the character about):
Grumpa, what is THAT? (points to the same thing)
Me: I don’t know.
Grandboy: Huh? What do you mean, “I don’t know”?
Me: Means I don’t know…
Grandboy: Why don’t you know, Gwumpa?
Me (not resisting the urge at all): I don’t know
Grandboy: AAAAAGHHHHH
Grandboy (fussing and walking in from the bathroom): Gwumpaaaaa
Me: Why are you fussing?
Grandboy: I spray momma’s perfume on my face and eye.
Me: Why did you spray perfume? You were supposed to be brushing your teeth.
Grandboy: I WAS brushing my teeth 🙁
Me: No you weren’t. You were spraying your face with perfume. That’s what happens when you aren’t doing what you should be doing.
Grandboy: So if I supposed to be spraying my face, I will really brush my teeth?
Me: Get back in there 🙂
Grandboy, carefully pulling apart his Lego masterpieces: Gwumpa it’s good to take things apart because then you can build them up again, stronger.
Spoken like a future drill sergeant
Grandboy: Ok Gwumpa make sure no one takes my food while I’m gone. Not the DOG, not MOMMA, not anyone. Not even YOU.
Me: Ok.
Grandboy: This is an IMPORTANT JOB Gwumpa you have to do it. O and not bees either. Make sure no BEES take my food. You know what they look like, they’re BLACK and YELLOW and they like my flowers. And my FOOD Gwumpa.
Me: Ok.
Grandboy: The bees, the bees don’t HURT you if you leave them alone. They live outside remember when you and I saw the bees outside and you said not to bother them and they didn’t hurt us? And we saw squirrels too but they were too fast for me but the bees didn’t hurt them either.
Me: Yep. I remember. Where was it you were going again?
Grandboy (slightly dancing still) O that’s right. I have to go potty. Can you watch my food while I’m gone?
Grandboy (throwing an empty plastic bowl up in the air): Look gwumpa, i catch it, loo.. (bowl hits the ground)
Me: Keep tryin’
Grandboy (repeating the exercise, and always *almost* catching it)
Me: That’s ok, try different ways. You’ll get it.
Grandboy: (finally) Look I got it!
Me: Ah but catching it on your face doesn’t count. But, actually you’re right. I told you to try different ways. Good job 😀
Grandboy: Gwumpa, how you get this truck?
Me: I got a job and got paid for doing work, then I paid for the truck.
Grandboy: Everyone needs things.
Me: Yep.
Grandboy: Everyone needs jobs.
Me: Yep if you can work, you should. It makes you stronger and you help people get stuff done. And you get paid to do it.
Grandboy: I need a job now?
Me: No, yes, well kind of. Your job right now is to go to school and do what your momma tells you. Your momma and I will take care of the rest.
Grandboy: Yah! And my other job is to sing songs to make the red light turn green, like this: “Go away, go away, red light go away” SEE IT TURNED GREEN I’M DOING A JOB SEE?!!?!
Good golly miss Molly, the grandboy has discovered exercise.
Gwumpa gwumpa how many sit-ups you can do? Come down here do them with me look I can do jumping jacks how many you can do? Twenty? Show me, come on good job gwumpa! Let’s do push-ups now!
Grandboy (eyeballing what’s left of my piece of his birthday cake): Gwumpa I really like that part (pointing at the frosting)… Really I like it a lot (points closer). I like that part of your cake. THAT PART (nearly touching the frosting now)
Me (gently knocking his hand up in the air): Oi boy, you have some of THAT PART on YOUR OWN cake, haha. This one’s mine.
Learning about boundary lines and property rights may save his life someday…
Grandboy: Why the Christmas lights outside shut off in the daytime?
Me: O that’s because of the photoelectric cells. They see the sun is up and flip the switch to cut off the flow of electricity to the lights.
Grandboy: Oooooh. And when it’s darktime the phonolen thing it turns on the lights.
Me: Yep.
Grandboy: But I can PRETEND they turn on and off with MAGIC, right?
Me: Sure! Nothing wrong with pretending about magic. Boom you’re a monkey.
Grandboy: Now I’m hungry Gwumpa. I can have banana now?
Ok I may be a gwumpa but no, whipped cream sandwiches are definitely NOT on the breakfast menu.
Even I have my limits.
Now whipped cream on OATMEAL, now there’s a meal I can sign off on. Eat up, boy.
(Walking) Me: Here, stay on the inside while we walk, ok? Part of my job is to keep you safe.
Grandboy: Well Gwumpa part of MY job is to keep you on the sidewalk. Hold my hand gwumpa.
We look out for each other like that.
How To Start Teaching Philosophy To The Littleuns
Grandboy (after receiving new information): “Gwumpa, you not LYING to me, are you?”
Me: “Well if I told you I was lying, would you believe me?”
Grandboy: “Yes. Um. No…. Um. Hm. I don’t know, why you say that? Now my head is all crazy.”
I have been given a “cease and desist” order by mamasan when I told the grandboy that I’d sic Goldilocks’s bears on Santa if I caught him sneaking around my house (it’s bad enough with the 24/7 surveillance routine).
The order was given with THAT LOOK and a comment that she and he would get in trouble at school…
Grandboy: When I was a little baby I used to say (in singsong voice) “Eenie meenie microphone…” but now I know it’s “Eenie meenie make a moat…”