Gwumpa Stories

Grandboy (casting a fishing line): Grandpa, I love fishing.

Me: Yep.

Grandboy (casting again): But I’m not catching anything.

Me: Then it wouldn’t be called “fishing”. It would be called “catching”.

Grandboy (Sitting on the floor next to a toy aisle): Hrmph.

Me: No.

Grandboy: But I want a RYAN toyyyyyyy

Me: This is not a discussion we’re having. C’mon, I’ve got the toys I’m getting. Let’s go.

Grandboy: I’m not leaving without a RYAN TOY

Me: Then you aren’t leaving. I am. I’ll be driving down the road heading home and you’ll be sitting on the floor here and eventually we’ll BOTH be in trouble. Is that how you want this day to go? (I walk)

Grandboy (thinking, weighing the options, and knowing I WILL leave him there): Ok.

Me (still walking): …

Grandboy: I hate my life

Me: Ah. Ok. (Puts toys on a shelf) Let’s go. (No anger, just a logical response to a bad scenario. I’m teaching him that discipline can be applied without anger.)

—

Later

Grandboy: Grandpa, you know when I said I hate my life?

Me: Yep.

Grandboy: I know I was just angry and I didn’t mean I hate my life. I was just angry.

Me: Then that’s ok to say. Perfectly ok to be angry. What you do with anger, now that makes the difference.

Grandboy: I should have done something different, huh?

Me: Yep. You’d probably have some stuff now instead of nothing. But you learned something, so that’s not time wasted.

Grandboy and I were playing the “Pretend Your Life Depends On It” game this weekend…

Grandboy (weakly stretching forward): Grandpa. I can’t reach that toy car. Can you get it for me?

Me: Nope, you get it. Pretend your life depends on it and you’re by yourself.

…

Grandboy (straining): Grandpa. This is too hard to open. Can you open it for me?

Me: Nope. You open it. Pretend your life depends on it.

…

Grandboy (looking up the stairs): Ugh, grandpa I don’t want to go up there to get my book. Can you go get it for me?

Me (the look)

Grandboy: AUGH I KNOW… “Pretend my life depends on it…” (stomp stomp stomp)

(Coming back down) But when will my life ever depend on me going upstairs to get a book? Or doing any of these things?

Me: You never know, boy. Figure it out now so you won’t be sad later. You figured out how to do that stuff on your own, didn’t you?

Grandboy: Yah.

Me: Learning how to learn is the best thing to learn.

Grandboy: Grandpa, sometimes you say things that are hard to understand. But that’s ok I still love you.

Grandboy: … and then the bad guy comes out of his lair and attacks the people.

Me: And the good guys?

Grandboy: They come out of THEIR place…

Me: Their lair?

Grandboy: YAH. The good guy lair.

Me: I’m not sure good guys have lairs.

Grandboy: OF COURSE THEY DO GRANDPA. That’s where they practice how to protect people and get strong (pumps muscles) and stuff

Grandboy (making a horrid noise while shouting about the outcome of a video game)

Me: Oi boy, what’s all that noise you’re making? Shut that down NOW.

Grandboy: AUGH THAT’S THE SOUND OF MY TEARS FALLING OUT OF ME

Grandboy: Ok that’s it. I’m not drinking anything for 1000 days

Me: O, you’re that angry with me, are you?

Grandboy: YES! ONE THOUSAND DAYS. And then I’ll be dead. How does that sound?

Me: Sounds like a sad way to make me sad.

Grandboy: And THEN what will you do?

Me: O me? Well, I’ll just go to TheGrandkidStore dot com and order me another grandson.

Grandboy: Huh?

Me: Not to worry, I’ll order a replacement just like you. You know, because I like you and all.

Grandboy: You can’t do that.

Me: Why not? Where do you think you came from?

Grandboy: O funny, grandpa. I know I came out of my momma’s belly.

Me: O THAT’S what she told ya, did she? Clever gal. Now I have to let her know I let the news slip out.

Grandboy: O.O

He eventually caught on and played along, saying he’d go to Grandpa dot com to see if there were any on sale this week

Grandboy (disembodied voice): HEY GRANDPA you can’t find me

Me (resisting the temptation to say, “because I’m not looking”): Are you under the table?

Grandboy (giggling): No

Me: Are you… (we go through a series of places where he’s not)

Grandboy: C’mon, grandpa, you have to actually GUESS.

Me: Are you inside Elvis (the dog)?

Grandboy: NO you wouldn’t hear me. His mouth is closed.

Me: But maybe you’re talking out of his EAR.

Grandboy: Ewwww that’s gross. But a pretty cool idea. (thinking) That’s actually pretty cool if it wasn’t so gross.

—–

He was under the couch, btw

Grandboy (after snack-eating all evening during his visit): Grandpa I’m STILL hungry. Can I have a spoon of honey please?

Me: Sure. But you have to run up and down the stairs 10 times. Up and back counts as one.

Grandboy: WHAT??!?

Me: How bad do you want the honey?

Grandboy (on his way down from #8): So if I do ANOTHER ten I can get a second spoonful of honey?

Me: Nah. You can eat two spoonfuls if you do another ten.

Grandboy: Yay!

Grandboy (huffing and puffing and enjoying his spoonful of honey): Ah maybe not. If I do another ten, even for TWO spoonfuls of honey, I’ll be too tired to enjoy it, so I’d rather just enjoy the taste of one for now. Maybe later.

Grandboy turned a sandbox into a giant Risk board.

I had to wait to fire my cruise missiles because I moved my plane one space to the right and used up my turn.

Grandboy (playing a game, and is frustrated): Grandpa, I can’t get this to work. The instructions say to press (x) but when I press (x) it doesn’t work!

Me: That’s why I don’t play that glitchy game (Roblox). The instructions the developers give don’t always work. And many times the system crashes.

Grandboy (giggling): Would YOU ever think of playing Roblox, Grandpa?

Me: I’d rather debug someone else’s Excel macros.

Grandboy: Whoa Grandpa, that’s intense

Grandboy: Grandpa, you’ll live a long time. 

Me: I hope so.

Grandboy: But when you DO die, it won’t hurt, will it?

Me: I don’t know.

Grandboy: WHAT?!? YOU DON’T KNOW IF IT’LL HURT???!!?

Me: Yep. Depends on how it happens. I might get in a car crash. Or just die nicely in my sleep when I’m very old.

Grandboy: Or get eaten by a dinosaur.

Me: Yep. That’s in the realm of possibility.

Grandboy: Or get eaten by a zombie.

Me: Yep. That too.

Grandboy (giggling): Or get eaten by BEES

Me: Ok, that’s enough of THAT bit.

Grandboy: I hope it won’t hurt when you die.

Me: Me too.

Grandboy: Because then you can’t enjoy it.

Me: That’s so true. I hope I enjoy it.

Grandboy (waving his hand in the air): I’M THE PRESIDENT. You must do what I SAY

Me: No, actually we voted you into office. So you have to do what we ask you to do.

Grandboy: Wait, what? The president doesn’t have all the power?

Me: All elected officials are here to represent us, not tell us how to live and what to do.

Grandboy (mind blown): Oh, well then YOU can be president and I’ll tell you what to do.

—–

How quickly the path of power flows. I love the sound of liberty waking up

Grandboy: Grandpa, we should all stop using trees. We need trees for OXYGEN

Me: Well, we need to use trees to build things. Stopping all use of trees isn’t practical.

Grandboy: Maybe scientists can come up with a way to make MORE TREES. Then we’d replace the ones we use.

Me (raising an eyebrow)

Grandboy: (thinking) oooooo that’s called PLANTING SEEDS, right, grandpa?

Me: Sometimes the simplest things are the best.

It was either a fuzzy cuddly bumblebee or a battle orc to get at the corner shop. 

I’ll give the grandboy credit, he honestly gave the decision some thought. In the end the orc won. 

Young master wanted the fight to be fair and didn’t think the bumblebee was ready for it yet.