Gwumpa Stories

Grandboy (playing battle Minecraft): Augh I died

Me: Hey but you’re getting better!

Grandboy: Of course I am

—

Humility is his best trait

Grandson: Hey look gwumpa I made an Ender Portal (jumps inside)

Me: …

Grandboy: Gwumpa hey I like your ‘vention. Does it shoot lasers? Like a BLUE laser or a RED laser?

Me: Nope, no lasers.

Grandboy: How ’bout bullets?

Me: Nope, it doesn’t shoot bullets.

Grandboy: Well then what DOES it shoot?

Me: Rabbits and squirrels and deer. Maybe bears if they come round. Bullets are too small and too fast to hit when they are moving.

Grandboy: Really, gwumpa, REALLY? You gonna tell me that?

Grandboy is officially taken off games committee. His games involve lava pits for the losers. The winners get to play more, even if they want to quit playing

Me: …but what about apple?

Grandboy: No gwumpa, “apple” isn’t a color

Me: Why not?

Grandboy: Because you EAT apples

Me: But you can eat oranges and that’s a color too. So why can’t you eat apples and have a color “apple” too?

Grandboy: Because that’s for a REASON and I don’t know it yet

Me: Here, have a yellow (i hand him a banana)

Grandboy says hurricanes live in the water and make swirlpools. He has no comment about sharknados

Me: …so what about Sharknados?

Grandboy: GWUMPA you making me think about stuff that’s NOT REAL!

Me: O like Santa Claus?

Grandboy: You ruining it for me Gwumpa. I know he’s not real but I pretend he’s real. Not like sharknados.

Me: Maybe Santa rides on sharknados

Grandboy: [the LOOK]

Grandboy: Gwumpa, you’re not going to die for a looooong time, right, gwumpa?

Me: I don’t know that.

Grandboy: What? You don’t know you’ll live a long time?

Me: Nope. I might live a looooong time, I might live a short time. I might die this afternoon. You never know when you’ll die.

Grandboy: Wow you don’t know when you’ll die.

Me: Nope. But I do know something.

Grandboy: What’s that gwumpa?

Me: I know I can hug you right now. I know I can do good things for people today. I know you love me.

Grandboy (hugs me): Yah I know that too

—

Disney doesn’t hold the market on tear-jerker moments.

Grandboy (with silent stealthy moves, deftly and powerfully leaps onto the sleeping form of his gwumpa in the morning): …

Me (with equally stealthy moves, deftly and powerfully flips the oncoming bundle of unknown off onto the floor): …

Grandboy stops pretending to be a ninja so he can pretend to be a police siren for a spell.

Manasan (driving in rush-hour traffic): Boy, we’re lost. The phone’s dead. The car phone charger isn’t working. I don’t recognise this part of town. I have to pee.

Grandboy: Ok I’ll behave. (they drive, continue to get lost, and start talking about what it would be like to spend the night sleeping in the car)

Grandboy: O! have an idea.

Mamasan: What is it?

Grandboy: Let’s PRAY. We’ll pray for God to help us get home.

Mamasan: Ok

Grandboy: Dear GOD, help us. We just want to go home. Momma’s tired and she has to pee. I don’t want to sleep in the car tonight. Amen (they drive over a hill)

Mamasan: What.

Grandboy: What IS it momma?

Manasan I recognise this street. There. See? I KNOW THIS PLACE!

Grandboy: Yay! We can pee now!

Mamasan: Not yet, but we’re almost home.

—

It’s like that sometimes. We struggle, we get lost a little, we ask for help from a higher power. And sometimes, sometimes, the little miracles help us find our way back home.

Grandboy (pretending to carry a briefcase): Bye mom, I’m going to work now.

Mamasan: Bye! Bring home the bacon.

Grandboy (confused): No mom, I’m not going to the STORE. I’m going to WORK.

Mamasan: O that’s what you say when someone goes to work. “Bring home the bacon”.

Grandboy: OOH I get it. I make money, buy the bacon and bring it home.

Mamasan: Yep.

Grandboy: And YOU cook it for me.

Mamasan: WHAT.

Mamasan (to me): Did YOU teach him that?

—

Hey I’m the one who taught him not to poke in a lady’s purse. I ain’t gonna be teaching him something as dangerous as THAT, knowing his momma…

Grandboy: My teacher looks like you

Mamasan: Really? Do you like her?

Grandboy: Yes, I like her better (than another teacher) because she teaches better.

—

Wise lad, picking up diplomacy tip #7 already: Establish a connection between two people and compliment one of them…

Grandboy has been creating LISTS of THINGS he does during the day. He asks me how to spell the words and then jots them down on his handy dandy NOTEBOOK…

—

Grandboy: Gwumpa ok then what do we do after making COFFEE in the morning?

Me: Take a NAP.

Grandboy: Gwumpa you already said that. You say “take NAPS” too much.

Me: Oh ok. What should we do then?

Grandboy: OH I know! We can go in the ATTIC! How you spell ‘attic’ grumpa?

Me: A..

Grandboy (light comes on over his head): WAIT i know! I wrote that down yesterday, look! (flips thru NOTEBOOK) Look here’s ATTIC you don’t have to tell me how to spell it 🙂

—

Learning is a good thing

Grandboy (playing Minecraft, with his character dressed as a fairy): I can make dreams come true!

Me: But what if they are BAD dreams?

—

I got THE LOOK. Why do I always get THE LOOK?