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Take my hand, please

Lady on video game: If you’ll take my hand, your majesty, we’ll make our way there.

Me: But if he takes her hand, she’ll have only one left.

Grandboy (puzzled): Huh? (gets the dad joke) Ah grandpa that’s just something people say when they mean, “Come hold my hand”.

Me: Hm. Maybe people should say what they mean.

Grandboy: It’s just called ‘manners’ grandpa. That’s when you say the right thing even if it’s not what you mean.

Half way there, grandpa

Me: I like this song.

Grandboy: It’s a nice song.

Me: I first heard it when your momma was almost your age.

Grandboy: Really? She was 8 years old?

Me: No, she was like 12, I think.

Grandboy (frowning): GRANDPA. That’s not even CLOSE.

Me: Ah. Just give it a few decades.

Grandboy: What’s a ‘decade’?

Me: You’ll find out soon enough.

Grandboy: Grandpa.

Me: Ok. You’re almost a decade old. A decade is ten years. Some people are many decades old.

Grandboy (thinking): Yah like someone who’s 100 years old is ten decades old. That’s rare for someone to be ten decades old, huh, grandpa?

Me: Yep. I might live to be ten decades old maybe?

Grandboy: Yah you might live that long. You’re pretty old already, so you might make it.

don’t tell me what to do

Grandboy (rapping): …so don’t tell me what to do

don’t tell me what to do
if you tell me what to do
I’ll be so mad at you

if you tell me what to do
I’ll tell your momma too
I’ll tell your momma too
don’t tell me what to do

Me: What if it’s your momma telling you what to do?

Grandboy (hushed tone): shhh that’s just part of the song

Not cool, grandpa, it’s sick

Grandboy (playing Forza Horizon and looking at cars to play): Oooo grandpa that car looks SICK

Me: Ah I hope he feels better soon.

Grandboy: Ya.. huh?

Me: That car. I hope he gets better from the sickness.

Grandboy: O no that means they’re COOL. Not like (cough cough) sick.

Me: It’s not cool to be sick.

Grandboy: Yah, it’s not cool to be (penny drops) hey you know that’s just a SAYING, right? Not like really sick. Just like COOL.

Me: Because when you’re sick you’ve got a fever and that’s opposite of cool.

Grandboy: Grandpa.

Better quit while I’m ahead. Angering the boy isn’t sick.

To infinity minus one

Grandboy (breathing hard after performing a one-man show of the equivalent of WWF performed by ninjas on roller blades on my bed): …so now I’ve increased my fighting level to an UNBEATABLE LEVEL.

Me (reading a Terry Pratchett novel): An unbeatable level?

Grandboy: Yah! Like INFINITY OR EVEN MORE

Me: …

Grandboy: O no I can’t be INFINITY LEVEL that’s the strongest thing in the UNIVERSE. What is the next strongest level to infinity, grandpa?

Me: Infinity minus one.

Grandboy: A yes that’s the level I’m at now (tosses himself in the air on his back). Aaaaand ding ding ding now it’s time for the CHALLENGER

Kidding not kidding

Girl on TV: You practiced with HER, not ME.

Boy: I’m sorry, I didn’t think…

Girl (smiling and laughing ): That’s Ok, I was kidding!

Me: O no she wasn’t.

Grandboy: No, she WAS kidding, she SAID SO

Me: O No, that boy will learn soon enough. She ain’t kidding.

Grandboy: O.o

I really don’t hate my life

Grandboy (Sitting on the floor next to a toy aisle): Hrmph.

Me: No.

Grandboy: But I want a RYAN toyyyyyyy

Me: This is not a discussion we’re having. C’mon, I’ve got the toys I’m getting. Let’s go.

Grandboy: I’m not leaving without a RYAN TOY

Me: Then you aren’t leaving. I am. I’ll be driving down the road heading home and you’ll be sitting on the floor here and eventually we’ll BOTH be in trouble. Is that how you want this day to go? (I walk)

Grandboy (thinking, weighing the options, and knowing I WILL leave him there): Ok.

Me (still walking): …

Grandboy: I hate my life

Me: Ah. Ok. (Puts toys on a shelf) Let’s go. (No anger, just a logical response to a bad scenario. I’m teaching him that discipline can be applied without anger.)

Later

Grandboy: Grandpa, you know when I said I hate my life?

Me: Yep.

Grandboy: I know I was just angry and I didn’t mean I hate my life. I was just angry.

Me: Then that’s ok to say. Perfectly ok to be angry. What you do with anger, now that makes the difference.

Grandboy: I should have done something different, huh?

Me: Yep. You’d probably have some stuff now instead of nothing. But you learned something, so that’s not time wasted.